Showing posts from 2010

I still miss you

So a new book by my favorite author just came out at the end of Nov, which is awesome of course. Had Loni's mom still been here I would have known about the book long ago. It's those little things that I still miss. It's those little things that I fear missing in my own parents some day.

I still miss you Deb. Although now we can remember you with smiles more than tears - you will always be forever young in our eyes.

Why do holidays suck

I wish we could just skip from Oct to January and miss all those holidays in-between. Growing up my favorite holiday of all was Thanksgiving. It was so much fun to head out to Grandma's house for the day and then roller skating at night.
But over the last few years the holidays have gotten much more difficult. I have not been home for a Thanksgiving since my Grandmother passed away- that was the sweetest memory I have of her, being able to see her and share her favorite holiday as well.

For the last few years Loni and I have spent holidays with her family but last year was the first one without her mother. We had an invitation to our friends house for the day, we told them we would be there, but at the last moment Loni just couldn't go..she was very upset and having a hard day. It was the first major holiday without her mom and I understand..we sat at home, by ourselves just doing nothing.

So this year a friend of ours has invited us to have Thanksgiving with her and some fr…

Time Flies

Time does fly when your having fun. Hockey is in full swing and that has really taken priority of the schedule these days. My team had our first game last weekend which we won 1-0, fantastic game. It was kinda cool to see the plays unfold like they are supposed to, the speed was much faster and the skill was much better than what I have played in the past. Any amount of reservation that I might have had were completely erased that weekend. Just sad that some of my former teammates cannot even have the decency to ask how it is going on the new team. We even went to their first game to support them but got a lot of cold shoulders from them after the game. Oh well - life goes on. No regrets here and I am super excited for the experience to play on another level with a fantastic coach.

Things are going well other than that - work is going well. Have been sticking with the running each day, Berbee Derby is right around the corner and I also still want to do the triathlons next summer. I …


Okay I admit I am somewhat a chicken, afraid of confrontation? Big nod to yes. While on the phone with my dad this morning he had said that they had a big day on Sunday (that’s dad speak for did you remember our anniversary on Sunday?) He even felt it necessary to share that it was 10-10-10, fantastic. Oh yeah, I said? Then like the little devil I am I wrangled the conversation to there was a child born on 10-10-10 at 10:10 and moved onto something different.

In my head I was screaming, very loudly too, about why should I celebrate your anniversary when you won’t acknowledge mine? What makes you so special? I wanted to scream that yes I think 41 years is awesome, and I hope to be able to say that some day myself, but I just did and said nothing.

They are coming for a visit in 1 month, for the first time I don’t know that I really want them here. Correction, I don’t want her here. But I don’t get to hang out with my father without her. I don’t know how much longer I can keep up this ac…

Rise above?

So I have yet to address my mothers email... not sure what I am waiting for really. The words have not yet come for what I am truly feeling towards my mother right now.

Today is their anniversary, 41 years.

Do I call and wish them a happy anniversary? Do I say nothing at all? Do I rise above their actions and be the better person?

I think I will split the difference and send a text.

Could have been me part 2

I just can't seem to get the rest of my thoughts out..Here I am unable to let my mind shut off, feeling quite alone in my world tonight.

I did sign up for a few running events today, partially because if I don't I will never keep up training. And partially because I feel the need to make some changes in my life. This winter I really want to focus on train for some Triathlons next summer & also for hockey. As much as I hate is actually the one time that I feel like I can climb within myself and forget about what is going on in the world. Just lose myself in the music.

It could have been me

I have a secret… I have carried with me in silence for a long time.

In hearing the rash of teenage suicides recently I have been thinking about how it could have been me, I was so close – it could have been me!

So…almost 20 years ago I attempted to take my own life. I knew what I was wasn’t an accidental type of thing. I actually planned it for quite a while. I remember after a 6am swim practice I swallowed a lot of pills that I had stolen from my grandfathers “stash” (he died 6 months previously so no one noticed) and then I went to school. From what I am told, I was acting strange and even walked up to someone and placed my hand on her shoulder and just said “help me” before collapsing. I don’t remember much from that day at all...I remember being in the hospital where they kept asking me if I took anything, which I apparently denied for quite a while. They ended up doing a spinal tap to test what was in my system, trying to counteract what I had taken with a bunch of oth…

In Tears

I am seriously upset & furious right now..on what should be a wonderful end of a wonderful day. Today is me & Loni's 10 year anniversary- pretty big day for anyone. Fun times at work when both Loni & I ended up sending each other a dozen roses thinking we got one up on the other! Then it was opening night of the Badgers Women's Hockey..we got a fantastic win and a fun game.

Then I get to come home to email.from my mother:
Feeling very uncomfortable with your picture, etc. on Facebook. A lot
of my friends and family do not know, well probably should say,
didn't know!! Now, I don't know.Should I mention that it is just a picture of my partner & I..and my status today was "Cannot believe it's been 10 years. Thank you Loni for all the laughs, for truly being my soul mate & the one I can always count on to be there. Can't wait for the next 10!!" what point do you stop being such a hateful person? At what point do yo…

Now THAT is a hockey practice

Wow..I finally found what I have been looking for! I got to meet my new team, new coach and practice together for the first time tonight and it was amazing! Our coach has coached women's hockey before and he said that he is all about getting the basics down and conditioning the hell out of us.

For the last 5 years I have played..I have never had coaching like this. I think I am in for an amazing year. Not to mention that we did team drills like I have never had. Oh where was all this when I started!!

I need a vacation

I find it funny, or at least interesting that celebrities check themselves into a hospital for exhaustion or stress. They only work when they take a job and that job might go 8-12 weeks. How about 40hrs each week where "the man" tells you how much time off you get?!

I would love to check myself in some place for a few days..just get away from it all. Not possible for us "regular joe's" that need to go in each day. I actually look forward to the holiday season, not for the holidays, but for the day off to relax. There are just not enough hours in the day to get everything done!

Been in kind of a rut the last few days..not sure if it's the change of weather that has me in this little funk or what.

Some words

I am sitting here in a self imposed isolation..thinking about the last week. I will say it was one of the more stressful ones I have had in a while.

My parents will visit 1 more time before heading down to Fl. for the winter. Always a bittersweet time of year for me. I don't think they relax and enjoy retirement enough during the summer but they are so far away during the winter. Each year I wonder if I am going to get another phone call like I did just a few short years ago. My dad mentioned quite a few times this weekend about getting up to 75.

Today some friends let us down..again. I hate 1 way friendships - I find them obviously lopsided and disheartening. I am a pretty forgiving person..sometimes to my own detriment, but after so many years of letting people trample on me enough is enough. I am at a point that if you are unwilling to invest some time back at me then I will not continue to seek out time with you. I don't believe that you should trust someone fully until …

Just can't find the words

I really need to find time to get on here more- my posts tend to be inspired or driven by my emotions & what is going on around me.

I did start writing some poetry again, it's been quite a relief to get the creative juices flowing again..

So much going much I need to get out. Lot's of emotions rolling around..

Ugh, I just can't find the words right now..

It's just life man

Wow time really does fly. Here I am trying to fit a quit blog time into my day. Work all day, quick run when I got home and some dinner- and that's nights that I don't have hockey or rugby. Whew, I need a vacation!

Listening to that small voice

I have been trying to take time to listen to that small voice inside of me to guide me on my way. It's kind of strange why things and circumstances come into your path in life...
So a few months ago I was putting some pictures on facebook and ran into some of my old rugby ones - I decided to see if I could get in contact with some more of my teammates. I have not played on this team in 9ish/10 years. Anyway, when I first came to Madison not knowing anyone or having anywhere to go I found this rugby team that helped me transition to the city and became a part of my family.
So this week week happens to be the Rugby World Cup which my former teammate is playing in. So I have been thinking a lot about rugby and how much fun I used to have playing so after a little chat with Loni she said I should play again. So this morning I sent some email and got some information..hopefully I will get to start pre-season training with the team this winter and play next summer. Hockey in the winter …

Seasons Change

So today we made a very tough decision in that we are not returning to our hockey team. This has been quite a year for us as our team struggled with just issue after issue. It never felt like a home to me and for an organized sport it was very frustrating. Sadly the list of issues came to a head last Tuesday where my tolerance to the issues just broke.

Fortunately for me I was able to spend time on Sat with a friend that I was able to chat about some of these hockey issues with and a have a good sounding board to what I have been trying to decide for a while.
And today we made the final decision to seek a happier environment for us. And as we started making the phone calls to let people know so they can fill out spots it was like a weight lifted off us.

The hard part are the very few friendships that we have made on this team - some are very strong and for others apparently this is a test that might be too much to handle. Especially when I get an email that tells me that they need so…

When you are trapped on the couch

So I have been trapped on the couch since Monday morning with what I believe is the flu. Sucks, sucks, sucks! Not only that I am feeling utterly miserable (honestly I don't know that I have EVER been this sick) I was to officially begin my training at work this week, nice! So I had to call into my job the last 2 days, nice thing is that we are fully paid for all sick time so that was never my concern but missing 2 valuable days of training was not the plan. So tomorrow I will trudge in there again, hopefully to get right back on track.

I am feeling a little better, I think I was only away about 30 min on Monday so today when I have been awake since noon and actually got some food in me I think I am on the mend.

Good side to all of this? I lost 3 pounds in 2 days :O) I don't mind that part..just could do without being that sick! But I believe my dogs and the cat have been super good during this time cuddling up to me and knowing when I just needed some snuggle time - gotta love…

Sometimes I wonder

Sometimes I wonder what purpose my life serves...if I really wasn't some kind of mistake. Would I even be missed? Do I matter?
A lot of times I just don't feel that I do...I just wonder


Where DOES time go? Seems that since I have started my new job things are going so well but I have been so busy that I don't get a chance to post on here too much.
After 8 weeks I am actually starting my training this week :O)
Feeling a little left out from some friends recently, seems like one of us have pulled away but I am not sure what side of the coin that was. But that is how life goes...sometimes you have that I suppose.
Getting ready for another hometown visit next month since it seems my folks cannot fit a trip out this way into their schedule. Hard to believe people that are retired can't find a weekend to visit their daughter but I think only 1 of them really want to make the trip.

We have been doing a lot around the house and it's coming together really nice, got the fence put up with the help of some friends, we painted this weekend and I installed some curtains. All in all, it was a great weekend!

Where does time go?

It's been a while since I have posted on here..not for lack of things to say, actually so much has been going on that I just haven't had time to update the blog.
Let see...started a new job, had a visit from my folks, had a visit from my SIL & her kids, planning the first two vacations we have taken in 10 years, had to deal with a major home appliance replacement that wasn't planned for (not planed but fortunately we have been smart with $$ and saving)

There is just not enough time in the day..

I am trying really hard...

I am sitting here right now trying not to be insulted or hurt. Today is my last day at the "old"'s bittersweet because endings are usually hard- but I am still excited about the new adventure too.

But 2 days ago my manager sends out an email saying we should have a food day for my last day (which we usually do for people leaving) and rather than send around a sign up list or something she just said bring whatever. Well, I am sure you wouldn't be shocked to learn that only 2 things were brought in. Go figure. It's insulting and rather hurtful.

I think I will leave early and close this chapter.

To quote one of my favorite movies:
"Beginnings are scary,
endings are usually sad,
But it's the middle that counts the most.
You need to remember that when you find yourself at a beginning.
Just give hope a chance to float up, and it will too."


So the visit has come and gone...overall it was actually a good visit. We had a lot of work to do which could have attributed to that, although Loni was a little upset that she couldn't be a part of working on things around the house. This is the constant struggle, while my parents are here she is left on the sidelines. I know that especially when it comes to doing things around the house she just wants to help, to be a part of it. That makes me sad.
This week also begins a new chapter in my life as well, I am finishing up work at one job and get ready to start my new job on the 11th. As usual I am a little nervous about the new environment, the new dress code will take a little getting used to for me but I will figure it out. I am looking forward to growing some roots at a company that will let me grow with them...not a fan of the dead end positions I have had recently.

Also last week I saw one of my friends get a position with a police department. I am very happy for her, but I …

Another Day

It’s amazing how lives intertwine, touching us for a moment sometimes, and if we are lucky it is longer.

Tonight the folks come in for a visit, initially I was a little put out by the length of time that they wanted to stay but these days I am grateful that my 74 year old father is healthy enough to be making trips to and from Florida and Wisconsin, I can’t complain for the days we spend together. I know I will not always have this opportunity – and I am so thankful for it.

I am also thankful today for Kathy Cole – aka my birthmother. I am thankful to Kathy today because she gave me life and in what I am sure was the most difficult decision of her life, chose to give me an opportunity to have a good life with another family. Birthday’s are always quite emotional and difficult for me – not sure if this is because it is the 1 time of year I am reminded that I didn’t come from just 1 family, that I wonder what my life would have been like if I was living in that small Michigan town. I m…

Ho Hum

So of course I am ready for the new job to start, it's getting hard to focus right now - so many issues at the office (otherwise I wouldn't be leaving I suppose) especially with the lights. They are very bright, in fact they are so bright that I have to wear my sunglasses...while at my desk...for the entire day. This place gives me a headache in more ways than one.

We have been really good about going to the gym, pretty much daily- I was quite surprised and very happy about that actually. It's been a fun way to work out and doing it together just makes it more enjoyable.

Life has been pretty good, on a break from hockey at the moment until summer scrimmage starts, softball will start next month, folks will be here next week for my birthday...just the usual.

It's that time of year to enjoy the farmers market, working out in the yard & hanging out with friends.

I did it!

Yesterday I got the phone call that I have been waiting quite a while ago, I was offered a new job!! Few bonuses here, I get to leave a highly stressful job, I will get paid much more than I anticipated or expected, I have the opportunity to advance in the position.

All in all, this is a huge thing for me. I start on May 11th...wahoo!

Rest in peace sweet La

This morning my dear friend Nancy's mom La died. A beautiful, funny and energetic woman has left us. La had been sick a lot recently and had been fighting as hard as her body would let her fight...I know how much Nancy will miss her and I will too. I will miss La nagging us to come down so she could cook some of the best Mexican food I have ever eatin in my life and how she would tell us to come around more. I am grateful for every invitation.

Rest in peace great lady, you will be missed.

A weekend memory

So this weekend is That Dam Tourney for our hockey team, it also marks the 1 year anniversary from the last time that we saw Loni’s mom. It was the first time that she was able to make a game of ours and the first time that she got to see Loni play. She sat in the stands and commented on how cute the boy was with the mohwak (we all love goalie Joe) and listened while Vivian explained how hockey works…and of course she had her camera along with her. I will never forget how she was beaming with pride. I will never forget how 1 week later we were at her side in a hospital wondering what was happening.

Last night I got a little choked up when we walked into the rink – I know it’s not always going to be like that, each time we reach a milestone. We can talk about her now without having the tears…but sometimes they flow anyway. We still really miss her – but I am glad that the last time I talked with her she was smiling and happy, that is how I will always remember her.


I am very thankful for my true friends. Not just those that will on occasion text me and say hello..or the ones that I might see from week to week but the ones that have taken time to really get to know the real me. 
You know who you are...I am very thankful for you.


Yesterday we were able to get some closure on what happened after we donated my mother-in-laws tissue when she died. Timing couldn’t be more perfect with the 1 year anniversary right around the corner; it gave us something to be happy about, that she would be proud to have helped so many people.

In a very nice letter they informed us that over 10 recipients have already had a transplant and they range in ages from 12-61 and live in Michigan, New York and Nebraska. 4 people have had their ACL repaired, 2 have had TKA (Total Knee Arthroplasty) and 3 have had cervical and spinal fusion surgery.
We also donated her eyes and before the funeral we found out that 2 people already had received her corneas in a transplant. Interesting thing about her corneas, she couldn’t see from here to there without her glasses…but under a microscope she had the most beautiful and perfect corneas – and the surgeon that did the transplant is one of the pickiest surgeons in WI and that made me feel good knowing…


Life has been crazy as usual lots of work and hockey. Our team made playoffs, which is happening this weekend in Milwaukee, by the skin of our teeth. Our season was so up and down, playing really strong and together one game and then just falling apart and playing awful the next. There has been a lot of drama from the coaching issues and whether or not our team is getting what it needs. I struggle with this a lot, as a relatively novice hockey player I am soaking up hockey like a sponge every opportunity that I get, and I am playing with women that are treating this more like a social “bar” league. I am not all that interested in drinking, or hearing about who went out drinking, or what they plan on drinking later…perhaps that is actually more of an age thing. I have already been there, done that. I struggle with my ability to really fit in with this group of players, perhaps this isn’t the best team for me, maybe we want different things...I am, after all, an extremely competitive pe…

Being an adult sucks!

So we didn't get the truck tonight. It was one of those awful adult/grown up decisions that just didn't feel right in the gut and we walked out. 
Loni is crushed... 


Springtime is coming

I love spring, probably my second favorite season of the year. Spring is a good time to re-evaluate things in life, clean out the personal cobwebs of your life and also the house. It’s a great time to open up the windows and hear the birds, letting in that fresh air after 5 or 6 months of being locked up during the winter.

Lots of things happening in our lives right now, we finally purchased a new truck last night – after 8 months of 1 vehicle and trying to coordinate everything it was time to take the plunge. So, this evening we will head over to the car lot and pick it up. I am quite excited because of how happy this makes Loni; she is over the moon right now actually. This will be the first new vehicle she has ever had (only 160 miles!!) and this is HER truck. Even though it will be the primary vehicle when we go on trips or anything like that, it is hers. Just seeing how excited she is makes me happy too!

We are approaching the end of regular season for hockey. …

It's Time

I have been an Olympic fan my whole life...I used to want to BE an Olympian. So of course you can imagine that when the Olympics are on I am glued to the TV, I will also admit that I shed a few tears when I see people win their event or if something happens and they are unable to continue. The Olympians always seemed like someone that I admired, followed their careers and just watched from afar- but this year it’s a little different. 7 players on the current US Women’s Hockey team are players that I have watched in the college career, players I have seen develop and struggle and ultimately grow as a player and reach the highest level of play that women’s hockey players can get to.

Maybe that’s why this Olympic year seems to mean more to me, I feel like I am watching friends play. Speaking of...I finally posted some of the pictures I took of UW Women's Hockey vs Team USA - you can see them here.

I can speak at nauseam about the players, the game and the statistics around this team. W…


Still a lot going on...wanting to bang my head into the wall some days.

I hate my job, I hate my job, I hate my job. I notice as the feeling of misery increases I get sick more often. I have a very good track record, or at least I am consistent with never using my sick time. Well, this year I have been sick a few times - got knocked down a week or so ago with ear & sinus infection (speaking of I need to pop that horse pill they gave me...ugh giant sucker) anyway..after that took me out for 2 days I was informed that if I call in again I will be written up.
Mind you this is after I have applied and interviewed for a different position at work and was then told if I got it I would take a pay cut. Really? A pay cut? I have worked many jobs in my life, and in all the moving around within those companies I have never been told that I would actually lose money. They have warned that I will not earn more, but cut?? WTF?
So, apparently if I get sick again, I should just report to my cubicl…
In some exciting news looks like we are planning a vacation to Vegas!! Wahoo...Plan is to go in January during the "off" time, nice thing is that since we are frugal people we already have excellent deals on one of the casino hotels (50$ a night!!) so you know we will have this whole trip at low cost. I am super excited and even the planning is a lot of fun! ya been?

It's been a while. Not for lack of things happening and going on, I think it's more I have had so much happening I don't know where to start.
Short list?
*Went on vacation...real vacation - cruise to Mexico with mom & dad
*Was among the 1st to know that some friends are having a baby...and I am trying to pretend to be happy about that.
*Giving up 1 hockey team & my responsibilities on their board - learning to let go and be okay with it
*Trying to wrap my head around possibly pursuing a new career
*Watching some friends make one bad decision after another & trying to offer advice since we have been there but knowing they need to hit the bottom on their much as I want them not to experience that
*Trying to offer a little leadership to my hockey team that is desperately reaching out for leadership and coaching
*Hammering out our own plan for the year, and being really excited about it
*Planning our first vacation together in what will be over 10 years, a cruise to…

Olympians are coming to town

So tonight Team USA Women's Ice Hockey Team comes to Madison to play the UW Women's Hockey Team..let's just say I am over the moon about this. My excitment is twofold actually, one I have always been a huge Olympic fan - what kid doesn't dream about some day going to the Olympics and second I am a huge women's hockey fan.

It comes without saying that my camera will be attached to my side tonight. Hopefully I will have some great pictures to post tomorrow!

My 2009 in review

So this year didn’t shape up to be the perfect year, but it had important lessons throughout.
New Year started out pretty strong, both of us in good stable jobs ready to tackle the world.
January- President Obama took office this month…I remember a country so full of hope
February – My father celebrated his 73rd birthday, I am very thankful for that.
March- We unexpectedly lost Loni’s mom, I think that this was the most difficult month of all.
April – I played hockey in Canada for the first time, and first trip to Toronto. This also marked the first trip back to Canada without one of my dear friends Marianne.
May – Not much happened in May…
June – June brought about another crisis for us, Loni lost her job at the law firm. And then was in a nasty car accident totaling the car.
July- Nothing memorable happened that I can recall
Aug- Took a trip home, reconnected with an old friend, priceless memories, also another Act ride
Sept – Watched my first Ironman, Saw Pink in concert amazing month