ugh

Okay I admit I am somewhat a chicken, afraid of confrontation? Big nod to yes. While on the phone with my dad this morning he had said that they had a big day on Sunday (that’s dad speak for did you remember our anniversary on Sunday?) He even felt it necessary to share that it was 10-10-10, fantastic. Oh yeah, I said? Then like the little devil I am I wrangled the conversation to there was a child born on 10-10-10 at 10:10 and moved onto something different.

In my head I was screaming, very loudly too, about why should I celebrate your anniversary when you won’t acknowledge mine? What makes you so special? I wanted to scream that yes I think 41 years is awesome, and I hope to be able to say that some day myself, but I just did and said nothing.

They are coming for a visit in 1 month, for the first time I don’t know that I really want them here. Correction, I don’t want her here. But I don’t get to hang out with my father without her. I don’t know how much longer I can keep up this act, the pretending that I can be civil, that I can look at her without the same disgust and contempt that she has shown me?!

Ugh, I am so sick of this consuming my life. I am sick of the exhaustion, the emotion, the anger, the hurt.

Interestingly enough, I was chatting with a friend today and got on the subject of my mother. Anyway, she had asked me if I ever had a certain conversation with her and I realized that we do not talk, my mother and I. Ever. We do not speak on the phone, we do not email, we do not text unless its to get info from my dad to me or vice versa, we do not speak. That can’t be good.

While I am on the topic of speaking...I just finished a book called Speak by Laurie Malse Anderson. It’s written from a high school girls perspective and it’s very good. I cheated and saw the movie first, that’s actually what lead me to the book. Without giving away anything, incident happens at a part – girl arrives at HS very alone and it’s not that she is mute, she just can’t find the ability to speak because of what happened at that party. The ending actually gave me goose bumps. Very good, I recommend it.

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