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Showing posts from 2013

Oh how time flies...

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Things have been crazy since I last posted. Let's see if I can catch up...
Had major surgery in Aug, took about 2 months off work, crossfit and martial arts to recover. Switched karate schools, almost lost my Jersey to heart failure, paid off our cruise, hired a pet sitter for our cruise, avoided getting the flu and turned down a job that would have been a perfect match but didn't pay me enough.
How about that? Dealing with Jersey's health issues has been draining, expensive, emotional and exhausting. He requires medication on a schedule, does not like to take his medicine so we have to be very creative with him. It is just so hard to watch them go through these difficult stages in life. We did get a nice backpack so we can start taking him with us hiking which will be nice for the family.

Other than that life is just moving at a fast pace as usual...just trying to keep up.

Surgery is in 17 days. Time is going pretty quick but it should could move along faster. I am constantly scared that I will have another episode of pain and end up in the hospital again. I have certainly had a few bad days since the decision for surgery was made. Lucky for me I drew the 1st surgery slot on a Monday morning, and I will only have to stay overnight for 1 night.

I will be honest, I am a little nervous. I have never really been nervous about a surgery before so I am not sure why this is causing me more distress. I will be off work, karate & crossfit for 6 weeks. Not sure what people do with that much time at home. From what I understand being tired will be the bigger challenge for me, but we will see how it goes.

My parents will also be coming to town the week of my surgery and will be babysitting, er, hanging out with me Wed - Friday so we will see how that goes.


It's been a long road

I have been struggling with endometriosis for many, many years now. It has certainly not been a walk in the park. I have had numerous surgeries, pills, shots and treatments. Today it was decided that hysterectomy is my only remaining option to get relief from the pain I have had.
So next month I will meet with the doctor and choose a date. Time to take my life back.

Karens Funeral- Amazing ceremony

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So proud to be a part of this day - what a wonderful tribute to our friend.

Just Commit

I have had a lot of time to think since last week. Spending a lot of time thinking about regrets, and my age, and my health. What are things that I can do to improve those things, what stands in my way. Funny enough it keeps coming back to me. I stand in my own way. What a revelation, or epiphany I suppose. I get in my own damn way.
So, we did some talking about where our future should go, what are we happy doing, what should we be doing. After being a part of that funeral I know that my place should be there, with the officers in blue. That is where I am supposed to be. I think I have always known this, I just don’t understand why I get in my own way. Why would I sabotage myself?! The last test I was sailing through the PT..until the run. Funny, it was the only part I was actually nervous about. I think deep down something in me feels that it is either not the right time, or I wasn’t ready yet. I am not happy with who I am right now.
So, with all of that we have a commitment. We have …

May she rest in peace

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I am reminded of a part in the movie Fried Green Tomatoes where Ruth is dying...Miss Ruth was a lady, and a lady always knows when it's time to leave.
Karen knew it was time to leave. I am thankful that I was up there on Friday night- I knew then it was going to be soon. She left us at 10:10am today. She has no more pain, she fought so well.
I will miss you my friend, whenever one of our softball teammates calls me double N I will think of you and smile. And although I hated playing euchre the boobie prize I won will sit proudly on my desk as a reminder of the laughs that happened during those parties. 
Be at peace & hurt no more. 

Me and Karen at one of our softball games

Karen at work during the big protests in Madison

Karen after a hockey game

It is has been a very tough week

This week has been hard, I have gone to visit Karen at hospice a few times and watched her get a lot of awards and slowly start to leave us.
Wonderful write up this week in the paper for her Story of Karen she is so loved.

This is the hardest thing that I have done since walking through this with Coach House. Of ourse I am much older, and I have a different relationship with Karen. I am not close with her like I was House, but she is my friend. I feel helpless which is why I show up there and sit with her, knowing she knows I am there and that I care. It's all I can do.

I don't think it will be long now. I am afraid to go, I am afraid not to go.

Rest peacefully Karen, we are all there for you. You have fought well and we all love you. Just close your eyes.

She's on her way

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Now this is how you escort a police Sargent to hospice!

Transition

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My friend is moving to hospice tomorrow. Doctors say maybe a week or two. That's it, all the time we have. I don't know how to say good bye, but I will have to find those words.


This is how I will remember her. As a healthy, fantastic lady that I enjoyed playing hockey and softball with. The one that could always make me laugh. Stay Strong.

Heartbreak

Doesn't look like my friend has much longer. She was doing so well, but apparently this week they found 4 more new tumors on her spine and she started having issues moving her legs. She went back to the hospital and I heard last night is now on palliative care heading to hospice soon. Selfishly I am so upset that we are to this point already, but I know she has fought hard. The most selfish thing for me to do would be to stay home and not see her through the rest of her journey, but I will not be able to live with that.

It's not fair that a woman this young is debilitated and will ultimately lose her life to cancer. I am upset, I am mad, I am so sad for all the things she will never get to do.

I am thankful that for her last hockey game ever I was there. I was on the ice skating with her, defending my goal as she was trying to score her last one. She would never have let me live it down had I just "let" her skate past me.

She was the one that started calling me Doubl…

Unwanted

Every now and again I have to fight these intense feelings of being unwanted. According to my shrink when I was a kid this has something to do with being adopted. But other times I feel like it is so much more than that. Unwanted at work, unwanted at home, unwanted by my folks, unwanted at karate the list could go on.

Tonight it is crushing me.
Unwanted.
Cast aside.
Whatever.

I tell myself to ignore it, to bury it deep. Don't want to rock the boat. Don't want to say something that will just upset everything all over again. Bury it very, very deep. Don't say what is really right there.
Don't say that sometimes I do feel like nothing, like I do not exist. I am here, sure, but for what?! why?

Tomorrow we are supposed to go to a friends to have my birthday celebration. I want to cancel. I want to call it off. Why the hell are we celebrating me? Nothing to celebrate anyway. I will go of course because it's the right thing to do, and I will smile, and I will laugh. Becau…

CrossFit journey

So I am signed up for my first into to CrossFit class Saturday. What in the world have I done :)  I will be journaling my journey and experiences in my other blog. Can't wait to begin this new experience.

Depression

Work is horrible, well not work but my job. It impacts how I sleep, how I eat, how I just want to curl up in a hole and cry. Every day I am physically ill from walking into this place, the atmosphere is toxic.

I need to get out of here soon before I completely disappear.

You took the words right out of my mouth

Well I wish I could take back a few words. Things I said that were more about trying to hurt than what I was meaning to say. Things are a mess for me right now with work being my daily living nightmare and it is just consuming my life. I am absolutely miserable.
I love martial arts, I do, but I am certainly not the best in my class. L is amazing at karate and excels so easily. I am used to doing things because I am so good at them. I admit I am jealous.
I am so jealous that L is so good, and is testing for Black Belt in July. I think it upset me when she first tasked someone else in class to hold the pads for her & partner with her during the test and not me. Deep,down I understand its so I can take pictures & watch the test but it would have been nice to be asked. I did finally say something but that really hurt.
Sometimes I would just like a pat on my back too. I feel there has been so much focus recently on L and how she isn't challenged enough & needs something m…

How do you say goodbye?

A good friend was brought back into the hospital this week...seems her cancer is spreading like wildfire. They found it in her brain this week.
How do we say goodbye to her?
We have not stepped foot in that hospital since my MIL died.
She is much too young to go through this...

Last year her doctor told her to see the things she wanted to see or go the places she wanted to see..and she didn't even have that chance. She has been too sick since the diagnosis to even travel.

I just cannot say goodbye.

Love this!

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Here is my new favorite song...new favorite voice etc. Sara Ramirez is just amazing and this song is so perfect for her voice. I won't mention that it is a cover song that just blows away the original.

Enjoy :)

A Good Man in a Storm

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I am a little late to watching the show Grey's Anatomy but I have fallen head-over-heals for this show. I remember loving some of the other medical drama shows, but none like this is so long. I am especially drawn to the story of Dr. Callie Torez and Dr. Arizona Robbins. Maybe that is like stating the obvious but really I can feel their relationship the strongest. Maybe I expected the usually perfect hollywood gay couple storyline, and in some ways I am not surprised by some of it. Even the L Word tried pulling off "normal" relationships. Of course they failed terribly but I figured it would be similar.

Episode 5 of Season 6 was especially touching for me and it has been playing in my mind a lot. Callie essentially introduces the love of her life to her father and he brings in the priest. Great line where she throws up her hands and says "You can't pray away the gay" it was completely how the interactions with my parents are. Including the quoting the bible…