I have had a lot of time to think since last week. Spending a lot of time thinking about regrets, and my age, and my health. What are things that I can do to improve those things, what stands in my way. Funny enough it keeps coming back to me. I stand in my own way. What a revelation, or epiphany I suppose. I get in my own damn way.
So, we did some talking about where our future should go, what are we happy doing, what should we be doing. After being a part of that funeral I know that my place should be there, with the officers in blue. That is where I am supposed to be. I think I have always known this, I just don’t understand why I get in my own way. Why would I sabotage myself?! The last test I was sailing through the PT..until the run. Funny, it was the only part I was actually nervous about. I think deep down something in me feels that it is either not the right time, or I wasn’t ready yet. I am not happy with who I am right now.
So, with all of that we have a commitment. We have decided that next year at this time we will apply. We will give it a whirl. We are young enough yet, hopefully will be in great shape and will be just where we are supposed to be.
I will be committing to Crossfit like crazy, going to kick myself into gear and get back into real shape. I have never worked out like I have while doing Crossfit. If this doesn’t do it then just put me in a hole and bury me.
I can’t wait to see how this turns out, but part of me is still a little scared. I think of disappointment. Last time it crushed me, it was so embarrassing to fall apart like that. I don’t want to look like a fool again. But I feel like I need to do this again.