Showing posts from 2006

A fall of change

So I have been doing a lot of thinking latley..not about anything specific just general things. Am I happy, am I doing what I love, am I where I am supposed to be in life...overall I am just sort of blah these days, not feelin the love if you know what I mean. I just overall feel somewhat unwanted or needed. Maybe it's the school thing, with being busy with that and not having our priorities straight so to speak. I just don't feel loved anymore, like I just exsist but not as a part of us anymore...I don't know, maybe I am just sleep deprived or low on oxygen or something, that is just how I feel these days.

Please don't rain on my parade

So yesterday it rained, so I couldn't jump on the bike...well today it rained too. And I am not talking small dribble I am talking white-out, painful pelting of rain that NO ONE would want to ride in.
I must admit, after my ride the other night my butt was oh so thankful for that rain! Today I looked at a web page that had pictures from the ride though, talk about motivation. I am amazed that every picture has someone smiling! The entire ride!! They actualy look like they are enjoying themselves.
I am getting excited to start my fundraising..won't be long and I can register and have my rider # begins

Well today it all begins..the long but well worthwhile adventure of blood,sweat and I am sure some tears. My goal, taking part in the Act 5 ride for Aids. I have just under 1 year to prepare for this event that will "be long, it will be hard. It will be fun. And, it may very well be the best days of your life."
I suppose I should also some up with some crafty words of why I am choosing to do this, or what propells me on my mission but frankly, I just want to. I just want to be a part of something bigger than myself.
So, here is where I will put it all down, here is where I will journal my feelings, my fears (wow there are so many!)
Things I know right now...I am scared to death about how this will work...300-350 miles??!! in 4 days??!! And how in the world will I come up with the minnimum amount of money I am supposed to raise? I suppose here is where I must have faith, trust, and hope in people. People that can give to someone else for a worthy cause...
So, here w…

My Boo

I cannot imagine my world without my boo, my bubba, my partner in life
strange thoughts sometimes grip me late at night
what if something happened?
what if this beautiful soul was ripped away from me?
working in the hustle and bustle of a busy hospital has taught me to take nothing for granted
take every sunrise in like it is the last
every day i see someone new that 'beat it'
or that is going to find out some horrible diagnosis
I am the first one to know
I am the one that helps the doctor find out
I am the one that wonders
who is this person on the other side of this number
this diagnosis
I think about the young mothers
or the ones that havent had a chance for that yet
I think about the grandfathers
and all the daddy's
I cry for the children
I always wonder about their families
Are they strong enough?
Can they wrap their arms around their loved one and hang on tight
Some days I come home to my boo and just need to cuddle up tight
I sigh into that spot on her chest
the one that is reserved for o…


scraped knees
sack lunches
creek walkin in old shoes and socks
catchin crawfish
playin with frogs
beat the sun up and stay out till you hear your moms voice callin
through the woods
up to the fort it took you days to build
tree climbing
imagination working overtime
carving your name into the tree with daddy's pocketknife
running wild through corn fields
scared out of your mind because you just saw children of the corn
daring someone to touch the electric fence
all the summers at the campground where bugs were cool
the best of friends on the planet
sitting with mark in the field at night watching the stars shine and chewing a weed
waiting for the hayride at night on that old tractor with the old man driving
sometimes he would let us steer it
it was so simple back then
not having to worry
being able to trust anyone
didn't have to play just in the front yard or in sight of a parent
we were free to run and play
be kids
i wanted to be gi joe
or wonder woman
or a secret spy
sleeping in tents


only happens once a year mine
friday will be 29 years
10,585 days ago i was born
a brave terrified woman
all alone
she gave it all she could
she tried to keep me
she couldn't
she had courage
the kind of courage that makes you drive to another town
with your baby girl in your arms
and hand her over
to a complete stranger
i imagine her resolve
with tears streaming
down her cheeks
saying i don't know how
to do this anymore
i want the best for her
my baby girl
but the best in not me
no now
so she gave me up
in the greatest act of courage
a mother can make
then she drove away
but a silent resolve that
she did the right thing
29 years later
does she think of me
doe she hear someone laugh
see a smile
wonder if it's me
if i saw you today
courageous woman
i would say
thank you
thank you for giving me love
all you could
thank you for
so friday might be my birthday
but i will think of
i hope you know
how special you are
courageous woman


Happy Easter
worked all night
so tired i could drop
going to rest and relax
think about the kids with their
baskets full of goodies


Religion was such an important of my life growing up...
sunday school
christian school
bible camp
profession of faith.
I have been told I will go to hell
I am not going to be allowed into heaven
I am not welcome
I am not accepted into the church that I have belonged to my entire life!!
I haven't been able to go to church or think about church in 6 years because I have felt that they were right...they MUST be right.
But then I realized...
I am here for a reason
I am here for a purpose
I am somebody too
I love
I feel
I believe
Finally someone else does too....
visit them
support them..they see the light for what it is
We are all human beings, created for a purpose, created for a reason...
what is your purpose~have you lived the life you were meant to live..or the one you thought they wanted you too...
I made a decision
I will make a stand
I will be me.
What an amazing gift P!nk has given us powerful is her talent
and the courage to use it!!
My Favorite song?! Dear Mr President...
"What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away?
And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay?"
WOW...thank you for saying it...
I must admit a tear did come to my eyes when I heard that...
I thought of a lot of friends, myself, many people to whom those words
are our life story, we have lived that!

What is happening here? Where is this country going?
The country I served, was willing to give my life for, now in the hands of someone
that would rather see me shamed, no rights and treated like less than 3rd rate citizens.
Did we go through this before? Didn't we have the civil rights movement already?
But did we ever really move anything? Or do we just want to appear that way?

Changing your life

Driving to work today I saw a little girl,
you know the one, yellow dress..knee high white socks,
skipping down the sidewalk with mom close behind.
I couldn't help think it but I wonder what the world will be like for you?
I wonder if you will have the same luxaries I have now...will it be more difficult?
What can I do to help, how can I make sure that you know all the oppertunities
that are out there for you as a woman in training?!
Have I done enough?
Did I pave a way for you?
Or did I quietly go on my way each day..thinking to myself..
well someone else might do it?!


How can a person say I love you or you are always welcome here...yet because there are two of you the emphasis is on YOU. Meaning that person, that special person in your life is not welcome.
Here is to 5 years of trying to be the good daughter,
trying to be the good partner
being torn in two every time my two worlds come together.
Everyone says give them time, how much longer do they need??
My dad had a quad bypass 2 months ago, i thought that would have
"shook him up" maybe he would see me,
not the just the pieces that he wants to see.
I am welcome home anytime, I am loved, what about my partner? what about the love in my life?
She has her own family they say, that is if they refer to her at all...
how sad, how wrong,
to never really know your child, never understand the person that makes them laugh,
or be there when they have something important happening in their life because you made your choice.
It's a 'lifestyle' they don't agree with,
a choice i made,
it w…

Lets give this a whirl!

Why am I always the last one to figure out what other people already know?! Why can I help multiple people with their life issues yet my own world is a complete whirlwind!
I have a lovely night job so I have a TON of time to sit and think...and that then impacts you folks that are reading. So I will attempt to sort out my own world, keep my relationship with my partner a priority and figure our lives out together. I am sure I will mention parents from time to time...parents that were anything but supportive and how you mend that road if you can.

I saw her for a little while this morning as she got up for work
and now we live such separate lives
trying to set priorities, while just getting by
hopefully we can figure this out before we die!