Creeping up on the big 4-0

Wow...almost 40 already?! Where does life fly away to when you are not paying attention?
I have had a lot floating through my mind as I spend the last 15 days of my 30's looking back on what has all happened in my life and I have made some decisions.

As an adoptee there are things that I didn't know I did or realize about myself until recently. The way that I tend to push others away always fearing they will leave me first. The way I put up barriers around myself so others cannot hurt me- not willing to trust too easily or not believing that a person is genuine. And, when someone does something that hurts me or pulls away from me I usually comment about how I expected as much.

I have spent too much time in my life wondering about, wishing for and hoping that my bio mother would come around. 20 years I have tried to have conversations or a connection that I so desperately thought I wanted or needed. Something clicked for me this week, I don't need her- and frankly, if you d…


Some days I feel like I am all alone. I find it hard to love myself because it feels like no one else loves me.. So how can you love yourself? Maybe I am not love able- after all I did get rejected by my biological and adoptive mothers. I just don't know anymore.

I don't understand

I just don’t understand what is happening anymore. Where did the days go of being there for your community? For helping a neighbor? The days where we looked at our police officers and thought they were swell. Where did the days go where you rode bikes until dark and came running home when you heard mom calling for dinner? Where did the tv shows that taught us a lesson become replaced by shows glorifying being young and pregnant or a never-ending stream of reality garbage?!When did it become okay to scream at someone you don’t know because you have judged them as different from you?How did it become acceptable to humiliate and denigrate another human being simply because they were themselves?How did we end up with someone that feels exclusion is better and demonizing a group of people is the right way to react- running for the highest office in the land?How is it that a national group of powerful, wealthy people can buy our congressman and senators votes to promote their agenda while p…

That one hurt

Today is my mothers birthday. This morning, as a good kid does, I texted my mother happy birthday. By 4pm I had not gotten a reply, which is not that unusual- she doesn't often respond to me. I was looking around on Facebook and thought it was strange that I didn't even see a notification that it was her birthday, strange. So I went to her page to discover I had been unfriended.

I also noticed that she changed her profile picture to one of her wedding day and in the comments noted that it was to show what traditional marriage looked like.

2 direct hits at once.

I have been sitting here for an hour trying to process that.

Trying to decide if I can be the bigger person and call her to wish her a happy birthday. Can I once again try to have a conversation with someone that clearly does not want anything to do with me?

It's only Facebook...but it is the principle of it. I will admit that this one really hurt.

I haven't felt so alone in a very long time..

Today is historic

For the first time I can go anywhere in this great nation and get married if I want to. I no longer have to look to see who would let me, or worry if it will be accepted by my state. No longer do I have to worry how many tax returns we would have to file. Because I can get married. I can get married.
I don't know yet when or if we will pull the trigger on that. We have been together 15 years this year and things are wonderful. But, this will afford us protections and legal recognition that we have never had. That really does mean something.

As I was looking through my feed on facebook I noted I have two very different views on today. There are a majority of my friends that are excited and happy, that support love no matter what. And then there are the family members and former high school classmates that I see writing "sad, disappointing, disgusting, what a horrific decision" and it makes me very upset.
There is no more gay marriage, or same-sex marriage. We now have mar…

I didn't fall off the face of the earth

I have been here all along, just busy living life and not so much time to write about life. In the forever since I last wrote I had to say goodbye to my Jersey (I don't feel ready to share that yet), got a promotion at work, changed 3 different karate schools, adopted a cute rescue dog & gained a new sidekick, and I think the biggest thing is that I met my brother (I think this one deserves a post all by itself).

My focus as of late has been only on earning my black belt, I have worked very hard for this and in 54 days I will finally be testing. A nice 5+ hour grueling test but I am ready (I think) after April 25th I will be taking a break from the karate world. I think there are bets going on to how long I will be gone. At this point the old joints need a little rest from the jumping/spinning techniques and I will focus on enjoying my gym membership. I am actually a little excited to take new classes, to get on the weights again and just do what I want to do.

I am looking for…

Oh how time flies...

Things have been crazy since I last posted. Let's see if I can catch up...
Had major surgery in Aug, took about 2 months off work, crossfit and martial arts to recover. Switched karate schools, almost lost my Jersey to heart failure, paid off our cruise, hired a pet sitter for our cruise, avoided getting the flu and turned down a job that would have been a perfect match but didn't pay me enough.
How about that? Dealing with Jersey's health issues has been draining, expensive, emotional and exhausting. He requires medication on a schedule, does not like to take his medicine so we have to be very creative with him. It is just so hard to watch them go through these difficult stages in life. We did get a nice backpack so we can start taking him with us hiking which will be nice for the family.

Other than that life is just moving at a fast pace as usual...just trying to keep up.