Pardon me while I vent

I don't usually like to vent away but I am irritated, exhausted and just all-around grr this morning so I am going to vent.

I was up until about 3am today, why you might ask? Oh because Loni was out with her sister until just after 2am. I guess for the most part I don't care, that's not the point. Initally it was Loni leaving at 830 to go out for a drink or two where Jess had dinner, so I thought hour or two tops she would be home. So imagine my surprise when 2 hours later I find out that they are going to an additional location, a strip club no less, all I asked was not to be out too late since I need to be up at 630 and don't drink too much and drive. Since the dogs don't like it when we are not both home they start to bark at every sound they hear thinking the other person is home. So they had been doing this for a few hours making it impossible for me to get any sleep. At 1am I finally messaged asking if it was going to be much longer since I was not getting any sleep and needed to get up in a few hours and the responce I get back is "sorry bub (our friend is coming to meet us) it's only one night." Then at 2am she finally gets home.
When she got home she said "oh I will just sleep on the couch so I don't keep you up" when I said that I have been up the whole time the answer I received was "well now you know how I feel when your parents come to visit." Woah, where the hell did that come from? Really, where the hell did that come from? When my folks are in town it is trying on us all I think, I usually hang out at their hotel until around 11pm - we watch a movie or something usually. But that is not when anyone has to work the next morning, and I am not coming home at 2am, and I was not hanging out at a strip club!

I think my main issue is not even where they went, or how long they were out, I think it comes from not at least calling me to say hey, I need to hang out with Jess, would you mind if we went to x place, we're going to be out late. I wasn't invited, I wasn't asked and I certinaly wasn't shown any consideration last night.

So after crying myself to sleep, I woke up at 630, exhausted, eyes puffy and bloodshot and she is still sleeping on the couch. She will probaly be there for a few hours, perhaps until I am done at 1pm. And I know when I get home I will have to try and just suck it all up and move on, but right now I am just hurt and disappointed.

Things have been so stressful around here recently with Loni losing her job and then the accident, and now not being able to find a job. So I get the wanting to go out and have a good time, I do, but to be so uncaring and just rude. And to not try to make it right when getting home. I don't like the person that Loni has become in her unemployment. I know she is upset, I know she is feeling like a loser, I get that, I have been there. But it's also not easy being the one to try and keep lifing her up, to try and keep things positive and fun. I am doing all I can, I am terrified every day that we will end up losing the house or something, but I am trying to stay positive.

I am just wanting to get a way for a while, from my own life. But we can't afford to go anywhere, or do anything like that. ugh, I guess this is the valley that we all need to cross at some point, I just think it's been long enough.

Sometimes remembering the dead is more important than tending to the needs of the living

Well that's how it was the last couple of nights. We were looking at pictures of you the last few nights, some made us laugh, many made us cry. Mostly we still remembered that we really miss you. And with the impending visit this weekend we know that a part of you will be coming home to stay with us. When I went into the basement yesterday I noticed that your coat, jeans, shirt & shoes are still in the bag from the hospital, we don't know what to do with them. It's like you will be coming back in a little bit to pick them up. I wonder if you know how much we think about you, or talk about you or wonder if you are watching us.

So, this weekend we will take a lot of pictures, I am sure we will have some laughs, but for each of us, we will notice you are not here. We will miss your laughter, in that way that was so distinctive. I will shoot a lot of pictures because now I realize just how important that is. And when I go home in 2 weeks I will take some more of my family, because that's how I want to remember them too...

Give me strength

Image by dhammza via Flickr

The shit just seems to continue to rain down on us. It has not stopped since March, and every time I think we are starting to have a turnaround here comes something else. I haven't posted anything in a while not because I don't have anything to say but because I just don't know how to put my feelings out there. I feel like I am having to hold it all together for us, to keep us both looking forward, to keep trying to motivated. But I am tired. I am worn down. We just need things to start going good for us, not against us.
I just need to find the strength to keep my head up, to know it's not me that she is upset with, it's what is going on and I happen to be close by. In just a few weeks I will jump back on the bike for the Act ride, I haven't trained at all. There has just been too much going on. 4 days to be out there again...away for a while...each mile alone...sometimes that's a great thing. Even when you are riding 300 miles.

Feels like yesterday

I can't believe it's been almost 3 months since Loni's mom died. To be honest it still doesn't seem real. I keep waiting for her to call, and sometimes when we do something ridiculous I can still hear her laugh - that smoky chuckle that she had.

Yesterday a friend of hers had to take her mom into the hospital, we call her mom La. Anyway, La ended up in ICU, intubated, mild heart attack and pneumonia. Reading Nancy's posts yesterday made everything that we went through with mom seem like it was yesterday...just too similar. The big difference is that she got to talk to her La and it looks like she might get out in the next day or so. This is awesome news..and it also makes me sad. Why didn't we get that chance? Why couldn't we talk to her?

This is how life is supposed to be, the ups and downs, sorrow and joy. It's just hard, and it feels like yesterday.

Bad things always come in three's

So today Loni lost her job, "due to the economy" in a budget cut sweep they say. Great. Fabulous. Wonderful.
Of course the first things that go through my mind are

1. How will we pay the mortgage
2. No more health insurance (damn my job for not having domestic partner benefits)
3. How will we pay the mortgage
4. Will we have to give up hockey?
5. Damn her work for doing this
6. Damn, Damn, Damn
7. Shit, Shit, Shit
8. What do we do?

So, now that we have all that out, we are taking it in stride. She has 1 months worth of pay, some really good legal connections and there is always unemployment.
So they say bad things come in threes...
1. Grandpa died in Sept.
2. Mom died in March
3. Loni loses job in June.

Okay universe, we have taken the 3 hits, can we please, please, get something to start going in our favor? I know things happen for a reason, I know this means something, I know I should see the sign.
I'm looking!

Signs

Do you believe in signs? Messages or directions sent to you buy “someone” that lead you in the direction you are supposed to go?

Funny litany of events has happened over the past couple of days that has me thinking someone is trying to tell me something. Friday I hit my threshold of what I could tolerate at the moment and was feeling really down about my life, well my job rather. I spent the majority of my day relaying this information to 2 people that I trust, one that seems to “get” me and really does understand how I “tick” and the other that has known me over 25 years. Just seeking some advice, some counsel, something to say yes you can, or you’re an idiot…something.

What kind of sparked this was a feeling that I am just unsatisfied with what I do for a living, still questioning my desire to be a police officer. It’s been a nagging thing in the pit of my stomach for months; well if I am honest it’s been years. I play softball with almost an entire team of cops as well, which has had my brain working overtime as well, the “that could be you” mentality. It’s been eating at me for a while. So on Friday I get an email from Loni asking how serious I was about doing the cop thing. When I asked her why she said that one of her friends (who is on my softball team & whose partner is also a cop) said that they would help you get ready and I was surrounded by cops to help me. I will be honest, this made me cry, sitting here at work in my little cubicle I broke down. Signs.

Then, yesterday, while on the way home from an air show I got a phone call from an old friend of mine. We were very close while in high school & have been playing phone & email tag for years. She said that on Friday she was thinking about me and wanted to call me and catch up. Signs.

So, what to do next, do I follow the signs, put the sweat and blood & tears behind it and do it? It almost seems ironic to me that next year marks 10 years since I started Army basic training. I did that a little older, a little wiser than the young kids going through it at the time. Do I trust my “gut” and go for it, knowing that I don’t have that many more chances to go for it, age is taking care of that too quickly. Can I stick with it?? I am my own worst enemy on these types of things. I don’t’ want to live with regret in my life, but I am terrified to fail.

I don’t want to be a person that had all the opportunity, and didn’t listen to the signs.

blah blah blah

So I am on my lunch right now and although I would prefer to be reading I have too many thoughts to get out of my head. First and probably the most ridiculous is my elbow. It’s been so bad recently (meaning the last 6 months or so) and I finally broke down and set up an appointment with my dr. to take a look at it. What that means I have no clue, but I can’t stand it, it consumes my every waking moment, I just can’t tolerate it anymore – I give up!

Work is frustrating – I know, I know, what else is new with me. I just get so bored & I don’t like repetition all that much. Not to mention the evaluation of what I do, don’t get me wrong, I think evaluation is important and necessary. But when it’s not done in a constructive and supportive way it’s worthless to me.

Some of this might also stem from the fact that we have been hanging out with a couple recently that we really enjoy. Both are upbeat & active & just as crazy as we are and it’s such an easy friendship without stupid drama. The hard part for me is that 1 of them is a cop, which is awesome. This brings a lot of feelings and issues right in my face each time like “that could have been me” and only I stop myself from making that happen. She has also completed the Ironman & various triathlons’ which makes me feel like I am a slop and of course the competitive side of me wonders if I could ever do anything like that. I have always wanted to compete in the Ironman. I was considering a marathon but it falls during the Act ride. Perhaps some year I will take off the Act ride and do something crazy like that.

Speaking of the Act ride, I am lucky enough to have a sponsor for this year’s ride which is cool, but today I found out that they want to interview me on the radio – eek!! No one said that was in the deal! Ugh, we’ll have to see what happens, not sure if I can squeeze out time from work yet to do that but we’ll see.

I have no willpower, or motivation or whatever. In my mind I have all these things that I would love to do, who I would like to be yet when push comes to shove, I don’t do anything, I just continue to wish and hope. I need myself to kick my own ass, I just don’t know how to do it. I am so sick of who I have become yet I don’t know how to change!!! Ugh!

We are finally getting the house looking like a home, with a nice little garden, some shrubs & mom’s tree that we planted last weekend. It was exhausting but now that it’s done it really does look good. Now if we can get some things finished on the inside it might not be all bad after all. Still, lots of work and it can’t all happen overnight. Supposedly we have a couple renting the house across the street from us – they like kayaking & triathlons – hmm do I sense a pattern?


Blah blah blah…that’s how it is today…blah blah blah!