Creeping up on the big 4-0
Wow...almost 40 already?! Where does life fly away to when you are not paying attention?
I have had a lot floating through my mind as I spend the last 15 days of my 30's looking back on what has all happened in my life and I have made some decisions.
As an adoptee there are things that I didn't know I did or realize about myself until recently. The way that I tend to push others away always fearing they will leave me first. The way I put up barriers around myself so others cannot hurt me- not willing to trust too easily or not believing that a person is genuine. And, when someone does something that hurts me or pulls away from me I usually comment about how I expected as much.
I have spent too much time in my life wondering about, wishing for and hoping that my bio mother would come around. 20 years I have tried to have conversations or a connection that I so desperately thought I wanted or needed. Something clicked for me this week, I don't need her- and frankly, if you don't care about me then why the hell should I spend so much energy caring about you!? I have had a lot of fun with Ancestry and doing my DNA testing- told me so much more about myself than she ever did. So I am done. I am no longer giving her the power over me like that. So done.
As I have explored some Ancestry and DNA this year it has hit me, somewhat unexpectedly, that I have a deep grief and anger over adoption. I am trying to work through those feelings and emotions but it is much more difficult than I realized. I get jealous, insanely jealous for others that have a good reunion and outcome. Those that have family that have welcomed them with open arms. I hear some of these reunion stories and I am angry that I did not get that as well. That no only was I rejected as an infant, I am rejected by those that were supposed to love me as their own. So I feel like an orphan without being one. I still struggle with this. I imagine I will for some time. I have a brother that I chat with on occasion but it feels like a 1 way street with him. I am stepping back. I haven't let go yet- but I will not continue to invest if it is not reciprocated back to me.
The same goes for others in my life. I am so sick of only being good enough when someone wants something from me. It might be a much lonelier road than I thought I would get to travel, but I am the only one I can depend on. I am sick of making attempts to connect with someone just to not hear from them again- it's not worth it to me or my heart. I thought there were some friends that I had here...but again, I was proved wrong.
I realize that this is not the most uplifting post. I don't know that it was meant to be that. It is just what it is. Just some cold hard truths that I am learning to accept.
I have had a lot floating through my mind as I spend the last 15 days of my 30's looking back on what has all happened in my life and I have made some decisions.
As an adoptee there are things that I didn't know I did or realize about myself until recently. The way that I tend to push others away always fearing they will leave me first. The way I put up barriers around myself so others cannot hurt me- not willing to trust too easily or not believing that a person is genuine. And, when someone does something that hurts me or pulls away from me I usually comment about how I expected as much.
I have spent too much time in my life wondering about, wishing for and hoping that my bio mother would come around. 20 years I have tried to have conversations or a connection that I so desperately thought I wanted or needed. Something clicked for me this week, I don't need her- and frankly, if you don't care about me then why the hell should I spend so much energy caring about you!? I have had a lot of fun with Ancestry and doing my DNA testing- told me so much more about myself than she ever did. So I am done. I am no longer giving her the power over me like that. So done.
As I have explored some Ancestry and DNA this year it has hit me, somewhat unexpectedly, that I have a deep grief and anger over adoption. I am trying to work through those feelings and emotions but it is much more difficult than I realized. I get jealous, insanely jealous for others that have a good reunion and outcome. Those that have family that have welcomed them with open arms. I hear some of these reunion stories and I am angry that I did not get that as well. That no only was I rejected as an infant, I am rejected by those that were supposed to love me as their own. So I feel like an orphan without being one. I still struggle with this. I imagine I will for some time. I have a brother that I chat with on occasion but it feels like a 1 way street with him. I am stepping back. I haven't let go yet- but I will not continue to invest if it is not reciprocated back to me.
The same goes for others in my life. I am so sick of only being good enough when someone wants something from me. It might be a much lonelier road than I thought I would get to travel, but I am the only one I can depend on. I am sick of making attempts to connect with someone just to not hear from them again- it's not worth it to me or my heart. I thought there were some friends that I had here...but again, I was proved wrong.
I realize that this is not the most uplifting post. I don't know that it was meant to be that. It is just what it is. Just some cold hard truths that I am learning to accept.
So many truths in those...only starting to realize just how much this is true. I am looking to the next 40 as I focus on me and learning how to be the best I can be.
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