Unwanted

Every now and again I have to fight these intense feelings of being unwanted. According to my shrink when I was a kid this has something to do with being adopted. But other times I feel like it is so much more than that. Unwanted at work, unwanted at home, unwanted by my folks, unwanted at karate the list could go on.

Tonight it is crushing me.
Unwanted.
Cast aside.
Whatever.

I tell myself to ignore it, to bury it deep. Don't want to rock the boat. Don't want to say something that will just upset everything all over again. Bury it very, very deep. Don't say what is really right there.
Don't say that sometimes I do feel like nothing, like I do not exist. I am here, sure, but for what?! why?

Tomorrow we are supposed to go to a friends to have my birthday celebration. I want to cancel. I want to call it off. Why the hell are we celebrating me? Nothing to celebrate anyway. I will go of course because it's the right thing to do, and I will smile, and I will laugh. Because it's what you do.

Old demons I thought I fought long ago come back to haunt me, maybe all I did was bury them deep too.
I am just losing the ability to fight.

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