You took the words right out of my mouth

Well I wish I could take back a few words. Things I said that were more about trying to hurt than what I was meaning to say. Things are a mess for me right now with work being my daily living nightmare and it is just consuming my life. I am absolutely miserable.
I love martial arts, I do, but I am certainly not the best in my class. L is amazing at karate and excels so easily. I am used to doing things because I am so good at them. I admit I am jealous.
I am so jealous that L is so good, and is testing for Black Belt in July. I think it upset me when she first tasked someone else in class to hold the pads for her & partner with her during the test and not me. Deep,down I understand its so I can take pictures & watch the test but it would have been nice to be asked. I did finally say something but that really hurt.
Sometimes I would just like a pat on my back too. I feel there has been so much focus recently on L and how she isn't challenged enough & needs something more, I just feel like I am getting left behind.
So, tonight I said some things that had some partial truth but overall just didn't need to be said because I am an ass.
Thankfully I recognized it and did apologies but you can't un-ring that bell. It was mean & hurtful.
My only excuse is that I just can't think straight these days, everything just unravels around me. Next week is my trip,home & that always makes me stressed out.
Ugh...muzzle over here please.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Creeping up on the big 4-0

Image
Wow...almost 40 already?! Where does life fly away to when you are not paying attention? I have had a lot floating through my mind as I spend the last 15 days of my 30's looking back on what has all happened in my life and I have made some decisions. As an adoptee there are things that I didn't know I did or realize about myself until recently. The way that I tend to push others away always fearing they will leave me first. The way I put up barriers around myself so others cannot hurt me- not willing to trust too easily or not believing that a person is genuine. And, when someone does something that hurts me or pulls away from me I usually comment about how I expected as much. I have spent too much time in my life wondering about, wishing for and hoping that my bio mother would come around. 20 years I have tried to have conversations or a connection that I so desperately thought I wanted or needed. Something clicked for me this week, I don't need her- and frankly, if y
Read more

Alone

Image
Some days I feel like I am all alone. I find it hard to love myself because it feels like no one else loves me.. So how can you love yourself? Maybe I am not love able- after all I did get rejected by my biological and adoptive mothers. I just don't know anymore. 
Read more

My Memory

This time of year one hears a lot about national coming out day  which happens to fall this week. So I decided that it would be a good time to share my story as well. I spent the day yesterday retracing my first few months in Madison down on State Street. When I first moved here I really did not have anywhere to go and I certainly didn't know anyone, so I would spend hours walking down the street and watching people. Many times I would sit and write or read, I find that this was one of the most creative periods of my life. Anyway, it amazed me then, and I felt it yesterday, that even around so many people a person can feel so alone. I knew long ago that I was gay, I would say early teens. Unfortunately, where I grew up and in my family, being gay was one of the biggest taboos that one could be. Growing up in such a religious family and area, diversity was not high on the list of things encouraged. When I finally accepted myself I was resigned to the fact that I would never, ever,
Read more