Half-Pint

Yet I find myself, sitting in the dark, writing. I have been out of sync, kind of off pace for the last couple of days. This time of year is always awkward for me...birthdays make me think of the wonderful gift that a scared 17 year old girl gave me 30 years ago. She decided that after almost 1 year of trying hard to care for me she just couldn't do it anymore. She drove into the city, and gave me away with the hopes that someone would love me and care for me like she wanted to do. It takes courage to do that, it requires the ability to look out for someone other than yourself. This week marks 10 years since I met Kathy aka birth mom. 10 years since I sat across from her, and told her thank you for having the courage to ask for help. I am who I am, because of the opportunities I have had in my life, a life that would have been remarkably different had she kept me. Thank you Kathy, you did the best you could do.

This weekend I wrote a letter. It was a frank, honest letter, stained with the tears I cried as I wrote it on Saturday night. I had a choice to make, it was time to stand up and declare what I felt was no longer acceptable. The 3 page letter to my parents told them that I loved them very much, and I did not want to lose them in my life. But I can no longer live 2 lives, I cannot exclude my life partner in important events or even our own home because they come to town. That unconditional love means there are no conditions to love. I told them that I have always tried to make them proud, and for the most part I think they are, yet they are ashamed to have a gay daughter. Many times I have felt that they would rather have a dead daughter than a gay one. And that I was created by God just as I am, for a reason and they need to begin to accept that. Although it may seem somewhat harsh to tell them they must begin the acceptance process, it was the only way I can fully be me. I want to be...

It is true..or at least I think so. Work has been my own personal hell for a while now and every time I think it cannot get worse, there is a new twist. I really wouldn't know where to start to explain everything that is happening there, all I can say its just not right. I am sick of being degraded where I work and treated like a piece of shit every single day. For a bit of good news in my gloomy world, I had a ride along last week with the police department that went really well. I really enjoyed myself and found that I was right at home! I have 12 months to prepare and hope I get in on my first try. Here we go!

Let's see how long I can use song titles for my blog post titles?? Well the true irony is about my last post "I'm not dead" because only a couple of hours after I wrote that I nearly was. Monday night I was on call, per my usual call night at the eye bank. Just after crawling into bed, closing the eyes and preparing for dreamland, my pager goes off. I was being sent to Viroqua (for those of you unfamiliar with Wisconsin geography, that would be 128 miles away from my house... 1 way) So, I walk in to tell Loni I had to leave and I that I would not be home until 230pm Tuesday since it would take that long to drive up and back and do the recovery. The drive up there I am sure was beautiful, wouldn't really know since I took some back road that was pitch black out and felt like I was driving through mountains with cliffs looming off to the side of my car. Anyway, the case was all wrong...everything went bad but I finished up around 3am and began the trek back to Madis...

I often wondered if I could use a Pink song as the title for my blog. Well I am still alive, I have been down since last week Sunday with Influenza A & B..lucky me. I was able to burn through all of my remaining benefit time for the year so now I have nothing until July. Again lucky me! Seriously I was the sickest I have been in a really long time. Moving from the couch to the kitchen was my marathon. So, updates... I am as we speak finishing up my Madison Police Department application. It has been quite a work of passion, thought, slight procrastination and of course doubt. I have been wondering lately if being a cop is just what I am destined to do. It seems that I am either not qualified or just not a fit for everything else that I have tried...yet for law enforcement, I have my degree, experience and the Military experience. So who's bone brained idea was it to wait an additional 8 years to come full circle back to where I was. But anyway, I am hoping to turn in my app in ...

So tonight I sit..watching a deep and serious movie about love, the choices we make, and what happens after those choices have been made. Anyway, it's called Love & Suicide. Okay yeah I admit the act is slightly off, but it is an independent film so cut them a little slack. It reminds me of the teenage angst I suffered from once upon a time. Remember those first romances?   Anyway, my new "darkened" perspective on life lately has me back into a writing and more "artistic" mood. I have been doing some writing again which has been nice.

Okay enough!! I am seriously at the end of my rope, and I cannot take much more. Just a few updates: Loni's niece Cheyenne : she is doing well and is home now. All tests came back negative which is a great sign and she seems to be doing great! Kids are so strong in their own way. Hockey: overall great season, I am sad to see it all end. It was hard not to win for the essay but on the other hand, you can't get anything in life if you don't try. My team took 3rd overall, not too bad for a group that never seemed to have more than 9 players (which is only 2 lines = very tired hockey players!!). Job: okay to be honest, this is where all of my stress and frustrations come from. I am completely overworked, (I won't mention underpaid since I think we all feel that!) Everything at work seems to be internal combustion, I can't really explain it all. I don't know what is happening really, a lot of closed door meetings, hushed talking, upset managers. It has really not ...

Hockey is done, over... and it was a blast! Last night was the championship games and people came to support, to cheer, to have a wonderful time. My team took 3rd overall playing a super fun and exciting game. We announced winners of the essay contest (not me) and spirit award. Overall super night..although I am slightly tired this morning. So, I think the words of Carole King say it better than me: Now and Forever You were a part of me And the memory cuts like a knife Didn't we find the ecstasy Didn't we share the daylight When you walked into my life Now and forever I will remember All the promises still unbroken And think about all the words between us The never needed to be spoken We had a moment Just one moment That will last beyong a dream, beyond a lifetime We are the lucky ones Some people never get to do All we got to do Now and forever I will always think of you Didn't we come together Didn't we live together Didn't we cry together Didn't we play toget...

I only have a moment of time.. yesterday Loni's neice arrived into the world after a complicated and difficult delivery. The baby girl (who does not have a name yet) is all alone at Children's Hospital of Milwaukee where she was flown a few hours after birth with a head injury and major laceration due to the use of forceps by her doctor. At this point, we do not know how she is, her mom and dad will be going this afternoon (hopefully us tonight as well) to see her for the first time. Send a good thought, a prayer, a wish, whatever moves you, that this baby can fight and survive. If the weather holds out, I will be bringing my camera and getting some pictures. Hang in there little one!

Okay, I am up super early, by my calculations, I have 19 min before I need to be getting ready for work. Thanks to the fact that yesterday I had to plan for lots of weather, and I forgot to reset the alarm, here I am. Perhaps I should do this more often if it get's me to blog first thing in the morning?! So yesterday at work we found out that my technical director is resigning his position and is moving back to Colorado (WHAT?!) Now, I am not all that sad since I know this will make him super happy and I don't think he ever felt like a real part of WI (have I mentioned that I would leave if I was managing some of us?!) Anyway, I am very concerned for those internal candidates that may surface over the next few weeks. Especially the one that sleeps through his shift most of the time. I have a feeling if he truly did get the position it would be based on the fact that he has been there a while but has no managerial experience whatsoever! I hope, that they select someone outside o...

So I realized today that I just don't have enough time in the day! Seriously! I just don't know how I am going to get everything done, it seems like things are piling up and hopefully I will be able to stay afloat! Hockey is going awesome! We finished regular season right before I had to go to Florida, and playoffs started last week. We have 3 weeks of playoffs then our championship game on March 2. I will also find out that night if I get to go to NY to play in June at the hockey tournament. Well I have some more jobs to apply for and some dinner to finish... it's been a very long week!

So I am sitting in the airport in Tampa Florida right now, getting ready to leave the nice 80+ weather and heading to where it is currently -24 wind chill and should get to a nice -40 by time I get home...can you believe it? I would love to stay :O) Well I ended up having a great time down here, even though the other girl from my work bailed out on me before the trip I met 2 wonderful girls down here that I think will be in my life for quite some time. So I guess I can share now what my iron in the fire is for a job. Being down here I have had a chance to chat with some people about their employers and I have decided that my work really does not care about me! They are not employee focused that is for sure! Anyway, a few months ago I decided that I would begin to go back down the path of law enforcement. I am going to be applying to Madison Police Department in March. Which means I have to get myself back in that mind set, but I think this is partly what I should be doing. Its really...

That is how I feel today...blah about things. I don't really have a reason, well it could be sleep deprivation. I feel like I have trash talked my employer on here enough, although I have not even started when you get down to it. Anyway, as I am sitting here this morning, debating life over a hot cup of coffee, wondering where my happiness has gone. I feel like I have slipped into this funky depression, the only things that really make me happy right now is hockey (which is rapidly coming to an end) and doing projects around the house. Work, where I spend about 95% of my time these days, is just sucking all the life out of me. I am so unhappy that today the words, graduate school came out of my mouth. Are things that bad that I feel I have to go to school?? ahh! I need an intervention on that! Seriously, you know those days that you just feel like you really need a hug? I think today is one of those days...

Nothing that much going on right now to update. I scored my 2nd goal on Sunday night with another assist from Vivian which was sweet! Seems like we do very well playing together and I have learned so much from her. She is like a mini hockey wiki for me! Oh I went to the UW Women's hockey game Saturday as well which was awesome! They are so good, and quick! DAMN! Anyway, we had so much fun! It ended up being my friend Mel, Loni and Vivian but that was just enough to make it enjoyable! What else..my new schedule is going good, I just love being done at 230 in the afternoon. It worked to my advantage today with the weather since work wasn't letting anyone leave, pathetic really...they don't really care that much for our safety. The job hunt is still on but I am working on something, of course it requires a few essays which are taking me a while to write but I have until March. Next week I head to Tampa for work..don't really want to go though. I leave Wednesday morning ...

Okay I am so irritated and downright pissed with Citibank. I will hereby and forever more encourage people NEVER to use them. They have the shittiest customer service of any company I have worked with. Seriously, let's share a story: St. Patrick's Day 2007, I go to Ashley furniture and purchase a couch. A lovely micro-fiber thing, biggest purchase to date (before the house of course) and get approved for 12 months no interest, no payments. Happily I stroll out the door. Fast forward to Nov 2007, just after the house purchase, I get a charge for NSF. Since I have not had one of those, and I am sure my bank would have sent a nasty gram, I call customer service because they must have added this in error. After getting the run-around from Citibank, and them telling me that my check was returned by my bank, I hung up the phone quite ticked off. I checked my online account with the bank..funny that my check was cashed with no problem! So I get someone on the phone that confirms this...

First of all I totally feel like Sally Field right now…you read it, you really read it! Anyway, enough of that! Nothing much to report lately other than my days just seem to be flying by! I am happy to report that today my boss realized that my current sucky schedule of 10-630 was just not a worthwhile one, and had decided to move me to the 6-230 one. This is a huge win for me on work happiness, although slightly early, I am going to focus on going to the gym after work. I am excited in the summer I will be able to get out and snap some pictures as well…good times! I got my new issue of Rangefinder Magazine (it’s a professional photography mag) and it is all in black and white and the pictures are just fabulous! I have not had the camera out since new years now…damn I think it’s time to change that! I am thinking with the $$ I made doing Angela’s wedding this summer that I will look into getting 2 things for the camera. I need a backpack that can hold all my gear and my tripod, they ar...

So it's early, 445am actually..and I have been awake for 45min already. Hard to believe after my day yesterday. I had to coordinate Thurs night so I was up for over 24 hours since work won't let you count that as working time. I think that will someday be the downfall of work, someone will get so exhausted and try driving a long distance either back home or to a case and get in an accident. Since I was wide awake I took the dogs out and DAMN it's cold! Like your breath freezes in your chest cold (-7 with -15 wind chill currently for those that want to know) Since I am sitting here I am watching ER from last week and they played hockey...it was rather amusing! Speaking of hockey, they have an essay contest about what gay hockey means to us (they pay for us to go to a tournament in NY if we are selected) so I have been working on that since New Year's Eve. The interesting thing, is that as I was writing I realized that hockey is more than a sport I play once a week. It ...

So I have decided that no one really reads my blog. Not that I mind, it gives me a place out in cyberspace that I can share my thoughts and observations or whatever. Actually, I think I just have blog envy. I look at some of friends or family and they have TONS of people that comment. Oh well..that's how it flows. On the exciting front, I have an interview tomorrow morning. Yippie! But I don't want to get too excited, this is just the beginning. I need to be very selective and really decide what it is that I want. What will make me happy. I will gladly shovel hay if that will make me smile and alleviate some of my stress. So how is this for irony jumping into you email box in the morning. I subscribe to a daily email thing that said this "Everybody in our life – one way or another - comes to help us in our correction process.  Even the people who may hate us: ex-husbands, disgruntled employees, downstairs neighbors, former friends.  Every person in our life is here to a...

So with a new year comes another chance to change one's perspective on things in life. The most obvious thing for me lately is just how much I need to remove myself from the job that I have. It is effecting my health, my soul, my personality. Everyone that knows me knows that I am a very happy-go-lucky, love to laugh type of person. But when I pull up to work I get a wave of depression that just overwhelm's me. My energy is sucked away and I just am not me. I won't say I am desperate to find a new job right now because desperation will make a person do crazy things but I am on the prowl. I will find that something that I will be able to let me come shining through again. Things have been busy, lots of meetings for steering committee. It's hard to believe that we are busy planning the Act 6 ride and before we know it the day will be here! I am trying to gather up a list of mentors for the ride, to make the 1st year riders more prepared, more supported and more involved....

This year I did some things differently, tried some new things and gave up on others. Here is a short reflection of my 2007: Said I was going to do the Act ride..and actually did it!! Earned my Bachelors of Science AND graduated with honors Joined hockey Stopped eating meat Purchased our first home Scored my first goal in hockey Made some outstanding friends Started Punky Productions Selected for the Act 6 steering committee as a co-chair for participant support So, I don't really believe in new years resolutions, since people tend not to stick with them anyway..however, here are some hopes and wishes for 2008 To remain healthy To find a job that I truly enjoy, that challenges me Train properly for Act 6 Learn how to do the hockey stop both directions..and actually use it in the game Go to the gym at least 3 days a week Laugh more Let people know how much they mean to me Get my snow blower to work Be proud of myself Create my family of choice