Enough Already!

Okay enough!! I am seriously at the end of my rope, and I cannot take much more. Just a few updates:

Loni's niece Cheyenne : she is doing well and is home now. All tests came back negative which is a great sign and she seems to be doing great! Kids are so strong in their own way.

Hockey: overall great season, I am sad to see it all end. It was hard not to win for the essay but on the other hand, you can't get anything in life if you don't try. My team took 3rd overall, not too bad for a group that never seemed to have more than 9 players (which is only 2 lines = very tired hockey players!!).

Job: okay to be honest, this is where all of my stress and frustrations come from. I am completely overworked, (I won't mention underpaid since I think we all feel that!) Everything at work seems to be internal combustion, I can't really explain it all. I don't know what is happening really, a lot of closed door meetings, hushed talking, upset managers. It has really not been good. It is like living in fear everyday, fear that I will say something wrong or make a mistake. They still have not interviewed me for the position that supposedly was mine anyway. I get a feeling they just don't want me in the role, although I just don't understand why. I just know I cannot remain in my current position or it will be the end of me. I am not the same person when I am there, I am quiet, afraid to laugh basically afraid to be me.

Hitting the gym: I am such a slacker. I really want to go, however, I am my own worst enemy. I blame it on the weather, on my schedule, on Loni, everyone but looking at me. I find that I am motivated while I am at work (could it be that I am trying to release emotion about that hell hole?!) on a funny kind of note, before our 2nd to last game we ironed on Chinese characters to spell our team name. 1 word was Mu the other Lan. So, ironically Rudy and I ran out of time before the game and I ended up with just Mu (like cow..moooo!)

Act 6: I am really pumped for the ride this year. I am not as scared as I was last year since I know what to expect. The only thing I am scared of, is now that I know people, I don't want to look like the idiot on a bike that I know I was last year. I am committing to myself to make it to training rides, to work towards doing a better ride this year. I am in charged of setting up the mentoring program this year which is going along well, lot's of people signing up already so I hope this helps me maintain my focus.

Me: I think I am depressed. I feel like I am disappearing, only to emerge every now and then. I am so unhappy with my job it is consuming me. I know I am sulking around more, I am upset more, I cry more. I am just not happy. This of course brings back a lot of old emotions and feelings which depress me more. Then when I look in the mirror and see what a slacker I have become I am even more upset. It is such a vicious cycle. The other part about this is that I am done such a great job of surrounding myself with people that I care about, however, it always feels like a one way street. Some days I just want a friend to call me up, say let's go for coffee and give me a hug. I know that sounds cheesy but that's how I feel. Some days I don't think my friends can see that I am really struggling right now. Of course being the stubborn person I am, I don't reach out to them either because I feel stupid.

Mum & Dad: They are doing well...will be returning from Florida in the next couple of weeks. My dad seems to be loosening up about things although it's over the phone. But my mum and I still struggle. In fact, I was on the phone with her yesterday and just couldn't think of what to say. I was looking for reasons why they couldn't come out here. Frankly, I am nervous for the next visit since promising Loni I would never again make her leave our home. This will force something to happen if they want to come over or like my dad said, help me on things around the house. I just cannot take this situation any longer either.

So, in a nutshell, I am trying real hard to hold it together. And by some accounts I have done well. On the other hand, internally I am a mess. I need something to happen, I need something to go my way. I just need something.

Perhaps if the damn snow would melt, the sun would shine and I could just walk around like I used to to that would help. Maybe not.


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