Half-Pint

So I am on my lunch right now and although I would prefer to be reading I have too many thoughts to get out of my head. First and probably the most ridiculous is my elbow. It’s been so bad recently (meaning the last 6 months or so) and I finally broke down and set up an appointment with my dr. to take a look at it. What that means I have no clue, but I can’t stand it, it consumes my every waking moment, I just can’t tolerate it anymore – I give up! Work is frustrating – I know, I know, what else is new with me. I just get so bored & I don’t like repetition all that much. Not to mention the evaluation of what I do, don’t get me wrong, I think evaluation is important and necessary. But when it’s not done in a constructive and supportive way it’s worthless to me. Some of this might also stem from the fact that we have been hanging out with a couple recently that we really enjoy. Both are upbeat & active & just as crazy as we are and it’s such an easy friendship without stupid...

I just don’t know what I need to say anymore to help you understand. How every time you berate me on this topic it really hurts me, simply because it does mean a lot to me. Every comment, every snide remark just makes the cut a little deeper. I try to make sure that I do not spend too much time away that I am not involved in too much. I try to make sure that you understand my priority is with you. But I believe in certain thing, I believe in what I am doing. Can’t you understand that? Don’t you see that even though it takes me away from you I feel better for it? You tell me you want me to be able to have “my time” yet it seems like that is only when it is convenient for you. When it doesn’t interfere with something you want. As long as you are working, or as long as you have other plans then it is okay. Sadly, when I try to tell you that it is more than just a “meeting” you just dismiss that and tell me it’s stupid. It hurts. Makes me feel like what I am doing, how hard I am working to...

Restless Bored Listless Frustrated Irritated Ugh, that is how I sum everything up these days. I am losing my interest in many things, well mainly where I work right now. I just get bored to easily, it’s sad really. I have a good job, but I am growing bored with it, with the monotonous functions. Granted, I get to talk to people for a living and not many people get to say that. I just get bored when I do the same thing over and over. That’s why I like working for companies that offer me the ability to learn new things, or move around a little more. I don’t know, just irritating. Sick of people not keeping their commitments, sick of people that are disrespectful to others. I am sick of people referring to others like they are a possession. Perhaps I just need a break from certain people in my life, a chance to re-evaluate why certain people are in my life. Be a little bit more picky to who I allow around me to surround me with their baggage and issues. We all carry around our own “stuff”...

So it’s been a while since I have posted on here. Not that I don’t have anything to share, but I think that my thoughts are having a mind of their own these days. The last month has been difficult, it has been emotional, it has been trying, it has brought me closer to those that I care about, it has changed my perspectives. Last week Thursday I loaded up the truck, packed in 2 teammates and drove out to Toronto Canada. We played 4 games from Friday night to Sunday morning and then made the trip back to Madison. We had a great time, we played a lot of hockey which always equals a great time in my book. Toronto was a wonderful city, there was always something to look at and watch. Even going out to dinner was a wonderful experience. This weekend was much needed in my book, after the month I have had I just needed to get away, to be in a new environment and see something new. The only thing that was really missing was Loni. Granted we didn’t know in January when I was getting my passport...

I will never forget the faces of those that were with us over the last week. I might not remember names a few years from now, but I might. I will never forget Keri staying past her shift day after day just to make sure everything was okay. And when she came into the room to let us know we could see her, how she broke down saying "I'm so sorry we couldn't save her" I knew she did try her best. I knew we were more than just any family, she did everything she could. And her Dr. how she would be honest and frank with us, even when it was hard to hear, she told us what we needed to hear - not wanted to hear. When she walked out and told us "I'm sorry, we lost her. She is gone" my heart shattered. It felt like all of the oxygen was sucked out of the room at that moment. They say when you experience crisis like this and are in the medical profession it makes you better. When Doctors are patients they understand the value of bedside manner, when they are the fam...

I don't know if I can cry anymore right now. I don't know what words to say. I always expected to be the one losing one of my parents first, especially after my dad's open heart surgery. I never thought at her age we would be dealing with this. I have known her for 8.5 years, and she has always treated me like one of her kids. She has been more of a mom to me than my own mother. I don't know how I am supposed to feel, I was introduced as a daughter-in-law, that's just what I am. Reminds me of how much can change in an instant. Some people do not get second chances, they can't save everyone like they do in ER. Dr. House was not walking around ready to solve the problem. Sometimes people do not recover, they don't come back to us. I am thankful for my friends, especially the come up to the hospital and just be there kind, or the drop some soup on your front porch while your not home kind. Just reminds me not to take my life for granted, not to take those I...

In a second life can change. drastically. in a second,the phone can ring and everything you know is now unknown. life is so precious, treat it that way. hug more, love more, fight less, hold tight to those you care about. Take a long, hard look at how you live your life, make those hard choices. Standing by again, watching life being held in the balance between okay, and detriment. Watching a family struggle, cope, fall apart, try to keep it together. Watching a mother, wife, daughter, sister struggle with her life. Its the balance. Too far one way or the other can be major, in a second, life can change. When i saw her fly over us on Med Flight I knew we were in trouble. When I had friends from the organ teams call me to say they knew, and they were watching, I knew we were in trouble. They don't know, the family that is, what the doctors are really saying. They hear "it was a quite night" must mean it's good, they hear "if she makes it out of this" must mea...

Now that I am a UW Women's Hockey superfan I can't help but remember my good old days of college. I went to a Division II school that had a lot of Division I sports teams, (including hockey..why the heck wasn't i watching it then huh??) but anyway, I was on the track team for my university. I remember the fridays that we would have to wear our uniforms to class because we were leaving by noon to drive the rest of the day and sometimes into the night to make our meets. We would be gone saturday, some of Sunday before we got home. Because our team was pretty decent, we would be focouse all year, including summer breaks. I remember the binders worth of workouts that we had to do each day of break...do not show up to camp before school not ready. Your scholarship depended on that. I remember my freshman year making it to the NCAA II indoor championships at University of Michigan. I remember the pride I had in being a college athleat at that moment. Student athleats give up so m...

I saw something this morning that stopped me in my tracks. I was driving into work and I could see 4 cop cars with their lights on, a limo and a hearse. Instantly I remembered reading about a local soldier, Sgt. Daniel Thompson, that had died in Afghanistan, I also remembered that his funeral was tomorrow…they were coming to the airport to pick him up. I looked at the airport and saw that flag flying high, the soldiers already there to help a hero go home. Without realizing it I noticed I had tears streaming down my face, and for that moment he was my hero too. I thought back to when I was told I was being activated after September 11th, I think about all my buddies that have gone over, some coming home, some did not return. I wonder what it would have been like if I went over there. Would I have returned home? Would I have been a hero too? When I was discharged, although honorably, my single guilt was that I didn’t serve overseas with my brothers and sisters in arms. My one regret in ...

I really don’t know how to make it work anymore. I don’t know how I can be what you want me to be, and you can be what I need you to be. I used to think we had it all, we had it better. I know you are upset, I know I am upset. What do we do? Where do we go? How do we get around this? Somewhere we fell into this little routine, even though neither one of us likes it. How do we fix that? What do we do? Do you notice when I cry? I know when you are upset, you stop talking to me, you are distant. Like you are now It’s silly really, the reason that we fight. Do we spend too much time together? Is it because we just want spring and summer here so badly we are hardly surviving the winter? Will we survive each other? Can we? So what is the next step, what do we do from here? Would it matter to you if I wasn’t here anymore? Would you rather I am just gone? Do I intentionally upset you just to get something out of you? Some type of acknowledgement from you? Some kind of emotion? I miss a lot of ...

I really don’t know how to make it work anymore. I don’t know how I can be what you want me to be, and you can be what I need you to be. I used to think we had it all, we had it better. I know you are upset, I know I am upset. What do we do? Where do we go? How do we get around this? Somewhere we fell into this little routine, even though neither one of us likes it. How do we fix that? What do we do? Do you notice when I cry? I know when you are upset, you stop talking to me, you are distant. Like you are now It’s silly really, the reason that we fight. Do we spend too much time together? Is it because we just want spring and summer here so badly we are hardly surviving the winter? Will we survive each other? Can we? So what is the next step, what do we do from here? Would it matter to you if I wasn’t here anymore? Would you rather I am just gone? Do I intentionally upset you just to get something out of you? Some type of acknowledgement from you? Some kind of emotion? I miss a lot of ...

Ever since I was a kid I was always doing things for attention and to be someone that would stand out. I found a lot of that through my sports and the successes I had there would always fulfill that part of me. But the other thing that I so desperately wanted was friends, real friends. Well I always wanted that “best friend” that everyone else had. So often I was drawn by the popular girls, the ones that wouldn’t spit on me if I was on fire type. I would allow them to use me and treat me very poorly yet I kept coming back. I was never as pretty, never really interested in the guys (oh would I would give to have known a few things back then) and my parents would not buy me all the “cool” clothes that their parents did. I was tormented by why they would not like me, why I was not good enough and what I needed to do to be one of them. I figured as an adult I would outgrow those feelings and not have the same anxieties about friends as I grew up. Last night it dawned on me that I have the ...

I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. Not sure how to put a finger on it anymore. In a funk or something. Not sure how to get over it.

So I decided 2 posts in 1 day is not too much. I have a lot to say at the moment. Excuses, ugh, I am so sick of excuses. I am sick of my own excuses, don't get me wrong, I might hate everyone else's but I need to point the finger right back at myself as well. I just cannot surround myself with people that take the short way around things because they are simply lazy people. Believe me, it takes one to know one. I can be quite a lazy person, in fact why am I writing this instead of working out? First thing that comes to my mind? An excuse. So, get off your ass, stop being lazy and JUST DO SOMETHING!

So it’s been a while since I have posted anything on here. Not that I don’t have anything to share but again I don’t have the time/energy to relay things. I am still trying to find the rhythm lately to get things together, too many meetings, commitments other stuff just takes priority. I am actually at a point for the Act ride that I am debating if I want to stay on the steering committee. I love helping plan the ride and getting mentors all set up for people, but between the MGHA, my EMS stuff and general life I just don’t have the time anymore. But how crappy is it to drop in Feb when the ride is in Aug? I don’t know, I just can’t hang it up but I know I need to let something go. We will be starting Eskrima soon as well which is awesome but again 2 nights a week, then there is more hockey coming this summer. The MGHA has been super stressful recently, we have had some board members leave and new ones join but for some reason I feel like we are spinning out of control. I am trying to...

Today we saw the 44th President of the United States. I have seen a few presidents sworn in during my life but today was different, today I feel like he is MY president. This was the guy I really believed in, this is the one that stands for rights deserved by all Americans. I felt the Goosebumps, the lump in my throat, the pride on my face. There is a change, there is hope, and it’s on the horizon. I hope this brings hope and justice to all, not just a select group anymore. Hope in is the air…can you feel it?

Do you ever think people from your past might remember you enough to say that you impacted their life in some way? Some days, kind of like today, when it's rough, it's nice to hear that you made a difference in someone's life.   Who's has touched your life? Have you told them?

As I look back on 2008 I have mixed feelings as I think we all do at this time every year. I saw the loss of 2 wonderful people in my life. One to senseless violence and the other while serving his country. I have been asked to serve on the board of directors for my hockey team which is a fabulous group of people that I enjoy very much. I was able to spend time taking picture and enjoyed the feeling that I get from being in the moment. Not to mention the experience of a lifetime when I was able to photograph the Indigo Girls & Natasha Bedingfield. This year has allowed me to earn my EMT certification again, enjoy the first year in our new home, and celebrate 8 years with my partner. This year has brought me more a lot more heartache with my parents, but an increased reliance on myself and my family that I have chosen. I have met some amazing people, rode another Act ride, and played a lot more hockey. It’s been a long year. I don’t really have any special hopes for 2009; I would li...

This is what I found in my email this morning: "Congratulations on successfully compleating the cognitive portion of your EMS certification." My reaction: holy crap...does that mean i passed?? I think about 2 min passed where I re-read this email and was looking for the catch. I just passed the National Registry for EMT on the first try, whoohoo! Back in the day when I first earned my EMT certification in 1998 we were told stories about how difficult this national exam was, and most of us were encouraged NOT to take it. 140: Hours spent in class: 16 weeks at 8 hours per week + clinical time 1 :Number of times I thought perhaps I shouldn't have done this 6 :Number of friends I will keep in touch with Feeling I had today knowing I did it makes each moment in class compleatly worth it. So what's next? Well putting some time in at DGEMS putting skills to practice. There is some talk of a group of us going on to IV tech together, but there is also paramedic school too. Th...

So this weekend my parents come for a visit again. I have this fear that something is going to go massively wrong or just be a bad visit. I know I am super stressed out right now and having them here actually does not help me right now. They will be leaving for Florida the middle of the week I believe and I won’t see them again until Mayish. Could be April but I have a few hockey tournaments that I am playing in and will be gone the weekend prior to my birthday so I am thinking I won’t see them until sometime in May. Every time they leave for Florida I wonder if I will see my father again, if his health will hold up through the winter. I wonder if I have approached everything with my parents in a fair manner. If I am treating them as I would want to be treated even if it’s not returned. In other news, I think I am developing arthritis in my elbow. Prior to the surgery I was limited from time to time with some extreme pain but things seemed to go well after Dr. Bliss dug around in there...