Inner Child Screaming??

Ever since I was a kid I was always doing things for attention and to be someone that would stand out. I found a lot of that through my sports and the successes I had there would always fulfill that part of me. But the other thing that I so desperately wanted was friends, real friends. Well I always wanted that “best friend” that everyone else had. So often I was drawn by the popular girls, the ones that wouldn’t spit on me if I was on fire type. I would allow them to use me and treat me very poorly yet I kept coming back. I was never as pretty, never really interested in the guys (oh would I would give to have known a few things back then) and my parents would not buy me all the “cool” clothes that their parents did. I was tormented by why they would not like me, why I was not good enough and what I needed to do to be one of them.

I figured as an adult I would outgrow those feelings and not have the same anxieties about friends as I grew up. Last night it dawned on me that I have the same feelings now as I did then, only I have slightly more control about it. I do find that I crave to be around people that genuinely care about me, not ones that pretend to or when it suits them. Unfortunately I am way too tolerant of one way relationships, which is something I need to work on for me. I find that I always invest more in that I get in return, which I know in some circumstances that is completely fine, but not all the time.

I have a lot of friends, tons of them, but the ones I consider true friends are a very, very small group. Sometimes I find these feeling manifest itself during the Act ride for me…each year I look this issue face to face for 4 days. I was trying to explain this the other day, it’s a great community that we ride with, but I am probably the loneliest person on the ride. There are people that I care about greatly on this ride with me; yet again it’s a one way street. My friends are my family, good-bad-and-ugly. But, I still feel like that kid trying to hang out with the cool kids. I don’t know if this ever goes away, do we all carry that child with us??


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