Who Would I Be?
So is it wrong that I am wishing it was Friday and it is only Monday night?! I have just been in this funk lately and I am trying to pull myself up and out of it. Nothing seems to be working though, hopefully this is just momentary pause in life to pay attention to my surroundings and to help steer me in the right direction.
Not that she reads my musings on here but my cousin Manda had a baby yesterday. Congratulations!!
That actually had me thinking just now..where would I be if I never left the Jenison MI area.. would I also be married with children of my own?! Is that the life that "would have been" had I not been able to find myself? I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, you make choices, meet people and have certain events happen in your life for a purpose. What would I say to myself if I could go back in time. Would I make the same choices if I knew the outcomes? Would I just tell myself that I would be alright, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel if you just hang on. If knowing how things would happen would I choose another path and then end up a different person. Would I risk it all knowing that it would be worth the heartache?
As a kid I struggled with the notions of being adopted, first I thought it was just the coolest thing in the world. I was "special" and "chosen" to be a part of this family. Then there was the time in life that I would look at everyone that even resembled me in some manner and wonder if they were my "mom" or related to me in some way. Don't get me wrong, my folks are great people. I was put into their family for a reason, I think I have learned over the last few years that the reason is to teach them tolerance for those that are different from them. I knew from my early teens that there was something different about me. I didn't know what that was because I had no reference point. Looking back on it now the signs were obvious, I was reaching out to understand who I was and what it meant to be gay. Being gay where I am from was something that not only was not possible, but it better NOT happen in your family. My parents still seem to think that I was "taught" or "converted" as a lesbian. This could not be further from the truth.
I want nothing more right now than to be able to ask my parents to come to a hockey game. But then I would have to tell them that it was a gay league. That does not mean that we have ONLY gay people on the team or supporting us. When I go to Pride or other events I am moved to tears when I see PFLAG groups and other churches come through. My heart aches for that kind of support from my own family. To be able to share Our Lives Madison Magazine with them, that I have been lucky enough to help take some pictures for would be wonderful. Yet, I know this will not happen for my family. I will not get to see my parents smile knowing that their daughter is happy, loved and safe and supported. I have had to make a new family of sorts. A family that will love me for who I am, challenge me to be a better person, and tell me that they will stand shoulder to shoulder with me through it all.
Who would I have been if I stayed in that small community and became the person that they wanted me to be. That one is easy..I would not be me.