Scars

What is a scar? Webster's defines a scar as

1. a mark left (as in the skin) by healing of injured tissue 2. a mark left on a stem or branch by a fallen leaf or harvested fruit 3. a mark or indentation resulting from damaged wear 4. a lasting moral or emotional injury

My definition is that a scar tells a story. I have a scar on my chin from when I was 5 and showing off on my bike and ended up with 18 stitches. A nice scar on my knee from basic training when I didn't quite crawl low enough during my low crawl under a razor wire fence. Far too many surgical scars from where something was wrong and a good Dr. went in to fix it.

So this weekend I was at my friends annual birthday party and a friend of mine, who has a talent for getting ladies to flash him, was up to his old tricks. Anyway we went into the bouncy castle (yup the kind you are thinking of from when you were a kid..what can I say, it's tradition) so anyway, we sit in there having one of those heart to heart chats...ya know those once that only happen every now and then, but when they do it's amazing. Anyway, I had told him that he would never catch me doing that. Not that I was ever brought up like that or anything, but I told him because of my scars I would never do that. I had never told him about what happened but I realized something that night. I am not proud of my body, not proud to show off anything...it has been 11 long years since I have liked anything about my physical self.

Someday...not that brave, or silly....seems simple, yet it's not.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Creeping up on the big 4-0

Image
Wow...almost 40 already?! Where does life fly away to when you are not paying attention? I have had a lot floating through my mind as I spend the last 15 days of my 30's looking back on what has all happened in my life and I have made some decisions. As an adoptee there are things that I didn't know I did or realize about myself until recently. The way that I tend to push others away always fearing they will leave me first. The way I put up barriers around myself so others cannot hurt me- not willing to trust too easily or not believing that a person is genuine. And, when someone does something that hurts me or pulls away from me I usually comment about how I expected as much. I have spent too much time in my life wondering about, wishing for and hoping that my bio mother would come around. 20 years I have tried to have conversations or a connection that I so desperately thought I wanted or needed. Something clicked for me this week, I don't need her- and frankly, if y
Read more

Alone

Image
Some days I feel like I am all alone. I find it hard to love myself because it feels like no one else loves me.. So how can you love yourself? Maybe I am not love able- after all I did get rejected by my biological and adoptive mothers. I just don't know anymore. 
Read more

My Memory

This time of year one hears a lot about national coming out day  which happens to fall this week. So I decided that it would be a good time to share my story as well. I spent the day yesterday retracing my first few months in Madison down on State Street. When I first moved here I really did not have anywhere to go and I certainly didn't know anyone, so I would spend hours walking down the street and watching people. Many times I would sit and write or read, I find that this was one of the most creative periods of my life. Anyway, it amazed me then, and I felt it yesterday, that even around so many people a person can feel so alone. I knew long ago that I was gay, I would say early teens. Unfortunately, where I grew up and in my family, being gay was one of the biggest taboos that one could be. Growing up in such a religious family and area, diversity was not high on the list of things encouraged. When I finally accepted myself I was resigned to the fact that I would never, ever,
Read more