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So just before 8am Sunday, Loni's grandfather went to sleep, and didn't wake up. Last night we had a chat and just knew that he would be gone today. Seeing him on Friday was just excruciating and watching how the family was being pushed to exhaustion was almost too much. Although we didn't want him to leave us,we all wished that he would not suffer anymore. He's not anymore.
But, this causes me so much conflict, and my brain and heart are pulled in so many different directions. As a kid, when someone I knew passed away I was always comforted with the notion of "they are going to heaven" or "they are with God now" and that was just how it was. But things are different now, I am not the same little girl that I was. That type of thing is no longer a comfort to me and I just don't want to hear it.
I am also so conflicted about how I should feel or what I should be going through emotionally. He wasn't my grandfather and I think I am imposing a lot of those feelings on this situation that are making it worse for me. The biggest way this has been showing up is that I don't eat very much right now. Food doesn't sound good, doesn't taste good, I just don't want it. Pretty much eat one time a day if that, today, nothing. Just not something I want right now. Sleep has not been easy, or restful, hardly getting 5 hours a night.
To add on all of this are the other "issues" that the family has with their drinking and poor choices, especially her father. This just makes it that much more difficult.
Funeral is set for Wednesday 10am-2pm in Portage, this will be a full military funeral which will have it's own difficulties.
And to add much stress to this, mom and dad will be here Wednesday-Sunday. With everything going on I just really want to see my dad right now. I know that might sound kind of silly but I do miss him.
I just feel kind of lost and lonely right now. I am trying to be the strong one for Loni, so she has someone to lean on when she needs it. But feel like I have nowhere to go for me. I have some great friends that have been super supportive when I have needed it, especially Friday and Saturday. I just don't know how I am lucky enough to have such a great support system, sometimes it seems like I deserve them because I haven't done anything to "earn" it. Yet that's what friends/family are, and that's why we love them.
This is going to be an emotional and stressful week, but I know it will be okay.


Kimberly said…
I have been meaning to comment her since you posted, but never had more than 2 seconds to accomplish it. I wanted to let you know that I have been thinking about you AND praying for you and Loni as well as her family. I also wanted to let you know that you have the freedom to grieve and not to grieve for whoever comes into your life and touches it in some way. I have had to give myself the freedom NOT to grieve for some people that I might be EXPECTED to grieve for. But, I had to realize that just because someone has a physical place or connection to me does not mean that they have an emotional or spiritual connection to me. So, go ahead and grieve for the loss you are clearly experiencing. On the positive side, I hope that things are going well with your parents in town. Sounds like you are getting some serious work done. Luv ya cuz!

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