What goes through my brain some days...

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Have you ever wanted to talk to your “younger” self?! I have so many things I would love to me a younger Jenn. Things like pay attention in school, it really would be easier if you would just try. I would take more science classes, not so many study halls. I would also stay in school the first time. I could have graduated in 1999 instead of 2007!!
I think I would tell myself to relax and enjoy being a kid sometimes. Remind myself that this time would not last forever, and that someday I will look back on those days and realize how much fun I really had (don’t get me wrong, I still wouldn’t want to relive it!!)
I would also have gone along with my original idea of joining the Army early. I still have my letters of recommendation that were written for me my senior year when I was contemplating a career in the military. I would have gone active, and chosen to go somewhere overseas if I could..get some real life and real travel in.
I would tell myself to really treasure my time with Coach House. I would have spent more time with him, really listened to his advice and told him thank you for getting me the scholarship.
I would have spent more time with my grandparents. As I grow older I realize how special my time was with my 3 grandparents, and now that they are all gone I miss them a lot. I realize now that they truly were the glue that held our families together, how nice it was to swing over to grandma’s house for some lunch. I now miss my grandfather singing to me in Dutch, I missed the opportunity to have him teach me how to play guitar. I am trying to fit guitar lessons into my schedule by the way.
I would tell myself that no matter what, I am okay. I am not “abnormal” and that it is okay to question things in life, you don’t have to be a robot and just do what your told. It is always okay to ask why, to observe and to question.
Most of all, I would tell myself that it’s okay to be who I reall am, and that if I show people the true me if they don’t like it that’s their problem!

I have always struggled with my self confidence. And as a child I was known to fabricate elaborate stories and lies…just to get attention. I don’t know if this comes from being adopted or being an only child, but I have had to deal with creating my own life since I was young. I had such an active immagination and used to create this wonderful story about my birth parents. It was part Indiana Jones part Star Wars (now days I am sure it would have been more Harry Potter), and I created this life of where I came from and who I really was. Back then I didn’t understand a young, scared teen with an alcoholic mother, that was living in a car with no money for food or clothes for me. I didn’t understand wanting something better for someone else and making the hardest decision you could make. Now I know that scared girl was making a better life for both of us.
But in a way, I don’t know that I ever got over the whole “abandond” thing. I tend to latch on to people and things. I have admitted that I am selfish…to an extreem. I have my stuff, and I am not afraid to tell you it’s MINE. I used to think this was only child syndrome, but in a way I think that I have problems with letting go of things and allowing someone else to “use” something because I am afraid it won’t come back to me.

I know that sounds silly, but I remember those feelings when I was a kid with some of my friends. I wanted all of their attention because I was afraid that if I lost it for a minute it would be gone for good. What happens is that I then become so much like a suction cup that I drive people away which just propetuates the vicious cycle. Sometimes I just feel so alone yet I know I am not. It’s strange. But I am able to draw upon these feelings sometimes when I go off during “jenn time” and write. Speaking of writing, one of my friends asked me the other day why I don’t post any of my writtings on here. I guess I had never thought of it, sometimes I think people would like to read what I write, and there are times its so dark and depressing I don’t think it would be good for anyone.

Since I am just jumping all over here and just rambling (I started this post at 0750 and it’s it now 1:48pm so it’s been a long day of thinking) I have a plan. In case things don’t go my way for the position at my current job, I might be getting re-certified again as an EMT if I can work it out this time. Around here there are many voulenteer EMS services that will send you through EMT school, and some of them Paramedic school as well. So, if I can find a way not to continue to work so much at the eye bank, it might be a nice opportunity for me. In addition, if things go well at the police department, they will look favorably on this and if things don’t go well, I can continue on to my paramedic degree instead. Now I have a few reasons that I am thinking this way of course. In 1994 my cousin Kevin was killed in a freek accident with a hi-lo. At the time, he was a paramedic student as well and was able to access his own injuries after the accident. Anyway, at Kevin’s funeral Aero-Med did a fly by and it was very touching. Since then, I have thought of Kevin often when it comes to my own medical training. Wondering if he learned this or that, what he would have been like, if he would have ended up as a flight medic somewhere. In a way it feels like I would be finishing what he started if I eventually went for my paramedic license.
But, I won’t rush ahead of myself there is plenty of things that could happen between now and then, I would just like to get my EMT certification again first and see what happens..but it is always an idea. Then again, I am prone to just about everything these days. I think I need a vacation.


Michelle said…
It pains me to see you in such turmoil all the time. But again I can relate. Everyones past can haunt them if we let it, I personally have chosen not to as it would eat me up. So I bury it. I think it is great that you are ok with getting your feelings and emotions out on here. It doesnt make you weird or a freak, acutally you are normal. Everyone has feelings and thoughts about things, it just depends on how they express it, if at all. Stop worrying what people think, like you said who cares. If they don't like you for you, they are missing out. You are a sweet person with a big heart and if people don't like that, well then tough shit.

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