I have spent a lot of time lately thinking about life. I have been very proud of myself for being a part of the Act 5 ride, it was one of those personal challenges that I heard from some people "I will believe it when I see it." But it was about doing something bigger than myself, about doing something that has a purpose to it. For 12 years I have been living life and attempting to finish school, all for a degree that I will never use, however, just the accomplishment of it. But that was it, work and school, who has time for anything else. But now that I am done with school I am still searching for that thing, that something that I can identify myself with. I don't have an urge to go out to bars and party, but I need something. I am getting restless.
This is what I am hoping that hockey can fill. It will give me into sports again which I miss tremendously. I would never have considered hockey without meeting some of the players on the ride. I am nervous but excited to crawl out from under the rock I have lived under for so long. To meet people and have friends outside of what I currently know.
While I was on the ride I had a chance to spend some time (okay it was quite a few hours) reflecting on the past 10 years since my "skin stuff" as it is usually called. I cannot believe that 10 years have gone by since I thought I would lose everything to this bug. I honestly don't think a day goes by that I don't think about those day upon days in the burn unit, and in surgery, and what is leftover now. My scars are a physical reminder, yet there is sometimes more of an emotional scar than a physical one. I felt no one would ever love me with the obvious deformities on my body now. Even today, I am still reminded that although I am loved, sometimes I don't feel that I should be.
Maybe I am just unusually emotional lately. Well I know I am.. during one of the days on the bike, Cass told me that that much physical exertion is related to our emotions. Just like when you are stressed out your body is tense and a ball of knots. So now that I have used all of these muscles I have tapped into an emotional holding area that has not opened in a while. Who knows.
Today was a fun day, went out to breakfast (I know breaking the diet again) and then a movie, followed by a pillow fight to raise money for the Aids Network. I find myself lucky to have found some new friends in Madison thanks to the Aids Ride. People come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I am thinking I have make some friends in all categories. A group of people that I feel that I can be myself with, not worry about which bathroom who is in (mainly because I am not asked if I am in the right one or reminded this is the women's bathroom) seriously people..this is a topic for another day I think.