WTF!!!

Okay please allow me to rant a little. Beware, I could use some profanity if the mood is right.

Okay I am coming off a recovery weekend today, not a terrible one. I did stay up a little late on Friday night working on some health things with a friend. So, okay I was up until about 1am. Get a call at 3am, dealing with some work stuff until about 5am. Then, 7am starts more work..all day. Then at night, we went with the girls out for a long drive just to take a long walk. I know it sounds funny, but we really did have a specific destination in mind but anyway, exercise was needed. Got home at a decent time, not early by any standards and had a decent night sleep...well until Sarge vomited right next to my head at 4am. This resulted in me laying on the couch for a little while and being paged again around 630am. So, off I go again do another case and make it back just in the nick of time for lunch with a friend. The rest of Sunday went pretty good but I was still somewhat tired. Then I get a call to be back at work for an excision at 1045pm. This will typically take about 1 hour so I thought I could easily be home before midnight. Well you know what they say about plans...

Tissue did not arrive until almost 1130pm and by time I got home it was after 1am. So, alarm goes off at 550am and here we go again to work. Funny, when I went to bed I remember thinking, this is just a nap not sleep. I figured when I got in today if I was just too tired I would be able to go home. I couldn't have been more wrong. Basically I was told today that If I wanted to leave early today I would be forced to use my benefit time or make the hours up this week. Not only was this completely offensive to me I just couldn't believe how unfair, wrong and just ridiculous this is!! So, essentially my safety or ability to work and do a good job for the recipient not important to them at all. They didn't care that I was making some critical errors, or could hardly keep my head up.

Long story short, in March I about drove into a semi and decided to say something about the state of exhaustion within the lab. For a while I thought I was taken seriously, only to find out now that my safety truly is not important. I am scared for the day that something happens to one of us that could have been prevented. I just don't think I can stand by any longer and have this continue, at least not for myself. It is just not worth it to me anymore.

Some do

Some people rant and rave, some cry and scream. I am not saying that I don't do these things, but when something upsets me...or really gets to my heart I write. A friend of mine recently asked me why I don't post any of my writings on here...well here ya go.

Hero

I started thinking today, about what my legacy would be. Would I do things that matter and make someone see? Have I used time on this earth well, will I go to heaven - or banished into hell. The great thing about our hero is that even when they're gone, the part of us that they touched will always live on. The thing about a hero is, not just what they do or say, its about how they choose to live their lives each and every day. Hero's help push you higher than you thought you could every go, dig deeper than you thought you could and push your thinking beyond what you think or know. A hero makes you better just because you walk arm in arm, they help you stand tall, watch your back and keep you safe from harm. But the best thing about a hero, is that they challenge you to pick up pieces and go, take the torch that they now bare, pick it up, run with it, if you have the courage, if you dare.

What goes through my brain some days...

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Have you ever wanted to talk to your “younger” self?! I have so many things I would love to me a younger Jenn. Things like pay attention in school, it really would be easier if you would just try. I would take more science classes, not so many study halls. I would also stay in school the first time. I could have graduated in 1999 instead of 2007!!
I think I would tell myself to relax and enjoy being a kid sometimes. Remind myself that this time would not last forever, and that someday I will look back on those days and realize how much fun I really had (don’t get me wrong, I still wouldn’t want to relive it!!)
I would also have gone along with my original idea of joining the Army early. I still have my letters of recommendation that were written for me my senior year when I was contemplating a career in the military. I would have gone active, and chosen to go somewhere overseas if I could..get some real life and real travel in.
I would tell myself to really treasure my time with Coach House. I would have spent more time with him, really listened to his advice and told him thank you for getting me the scholarship.
I would have spent more time with my grandparents. As I grow older I realize how special my time was with my 3 grandparents, and now that they are all gone I miss them a lot. I realize now that they truly were the glue that held our families together, how nice it was to swing over to grandma’s house for some lunch. I now miss my grandfather singing to me in Dutch, I missed the opportunity to have him teach me how to play guitar. I am trying to fit guitar lessons into my schedule by the way.
I would tell myself that no matter what, I am okay. I am not “abnormal” and that it is okay to question things in life, you don’t have to be a robot and just do what your told. It is always okay to ask why, to observe and to question.
Most of all, I would tell myself that it’s okay to be who I reall am, and that if I show people the true me if they don’t like it that’s their problem!

I have always struggled with my self confidence. And as a child I was known to fabricate elaborate stories and lies…just to get attention. I don’t know if this comes from being adopted or being an only child, but I have had to deal with creating my own life since I was young. I had such an active immagination and used to create this wonderful story about my birth parents. It was part Indiana Jones part Star Wars (now days I am sure it would have been more Harry Potter), and I created this life of where I came from and who I really was. Back then I didn’t understand a young, scared teen with an alcoholic mother, that was living in a car with no money for food or clothes for me. I didn’t understand wanting something better for someone else and making the hardest decision you could make. Now I know that scared girl was making a better life for both of us.
But in a way, I don’t know that I ever got over the whole “abandond” thing. I tend to latch on to people and things. I have admitted that I am selfish…to an extreem. I have my stuff, and I am not afraid to tell you it’s MINE. I used to think this was only child syndrome, but in a way I think that I have problems with letting go of things and allowing someone else to “use” something because I am afraid it won’t come back to me.

I know that sounds silly, but I remember those feelings when I was a kid with some of my friends. I wanted all of their attention because I was afraid that if I lost it for a minute it would be gone for good. What happens is that I then become so much like a suction cup that I drive people away which just propetuates the vicious cycle. Sometimes I just feel so alone yet I know I am not. It’s strange. But I am able to draw upon these feelings sometimes when I go off during “jenn time” and write. Speaking of writing, one of my friends asked me the other day why I don’t post any of my writtings on here. I guess I had never thought of it, sometimes I think people would like to read what I write, and there are times its so dark and depressing I don’t think it would be good for anyone.

Since I am just jumping all over here and just rambling (I started this post at 0750 and it’s it now 1:48pm so it’s been a long day of thinking) I have a plan. In case things don’t go my way for the position at my current job, I might be getting re-certified again as an EMT if I can work it out this time. Around here there are many voulenteer EMS services that will send you through EMT school, and some of them Paramedic school as well. So, if I can find a way not to continue to work so much at the eye bank, it might be a nice opportunity for me. In addition, if things go well at the police department, they will look favorably on this and if things don’t go well, I can continue on to my paramedic degree instead. Now I have a few reasons that I am thinking this way of course. In 1994 my cousin Kevin was killed in a freek accident with a hi-lo. At the time, he was a paramedic student as well and was able to access his own injuries after the accident. Anyway, at Kevin’s funeral Aero-Med did a fly by and it was very touching. Since then, I have thought of Kevin often when it comes to my own medical training. Wondering if he learned this or that, what he would have been like, if he would have ended up as a flight medic somewhere. In a way it feels like I would be finishing what he started if I eventually went for my paramedic license.
But, I won’t rush ahead of myself there is plenty of things that could happen between now and then, I would just like to get my EMT certification again first and see what happens..but it is always an idea. Then again, I am prone to just about everything these days. I think I need a vacation.

Snubbed again??

Okay rather than start off with the bitching that will ensue here in a few minuets I will share the good things, or celebrate the successes as a former boss of mine used to say.

First off my day started with a friend asking me if someone could help me with some fundraising. He wants to put up a donation can of sorts where he works. I will take any/all help I can get, but then again, that is what this ride is about.

So on to being bitchy.. my executive director finally came back today, just a reminder he is the one that will be making the decision to hire me for the new position or not. Anyway, so after talking to him for a little while I did ask what was up with the position. He said that the decision is not made yet and it will still be another week or two (this means it will be 5 ish weeks since the interview). Then he proceeded to ask me where I was at with the police department process. When I told him that the test was still a few months away he almost was taken back. He said that he was hoping I would be further along..which tells me that they were hoping I would know something which would make their decision easier. I don't believe that my ED wants me to have this position, plain and simple. I was honest with him in sharing that I was going for a dream, I might not make it but there it was anyway. So what do I get in return? The gee, well, um, maybe..BS that they keep telling me!!! I have told them that if I do not get the position in the PD, I do not want to work in the lab anymore. I will hold good to this promise, that you can be sure!

Oh and to add to this, my parents are driving through Madison tomorrow and want to stop by for dinner. This should be interesting. But they are bringing John and Selma, who have always been my honorary grandparents and lived behind or next to me my whole life are coming along as well. So since they are in their 80s and their health is failing, I am glad to be seeing them at least. I miss being able to see John and Selma more often, I used to go play with their dog Sam and run around with him all the time. They are such sweet people.

The floods are here, honey let's build an ark!

So when I posted last I had shared the story about surviving though all the rain to take the pictures...well it didn't really stop raining after last weekend. In fact, for about a week we had nothing but torrential rains. Increased rain = flooding in our state. It was unreal how much flooding and damage has occurred. This past weekend I took my camera to try and capture some of the flooding and tornado damage, to see these please click here and here.

I got a call last week from a former co-worker that said she had a great fundraising opportunity for me as a way to kick off fundraising for the Act ride. I was super excited, I just needed 4 people and I would have a parking lot that I could charge $5 a car and all the $$ raised would be for my cause. At 300 spots I would reach my goal in 4 hours!! Well of course it can't be that simple for me, who was I kidding?! We stood out there with our signs and saw the gloomy weather creep up, this was only matched by the glares we received from people passing by. Evidently the residents of this city were not as welcoming to those holding signs asking for money for the Act 6 AIDS ride. Okay we raised a whopping $25, yup that's what I said, we had 5 people willing to park in our lot. I went from being super excited to just upset and frustrated. I was actually happy when the rain started because it just sealed it that we should pack up with our tail between our legs and go home. I was (okay still am) just so upset with this. Fundraising is the hardest part of the ride for me, I just don't know enough people and the ones I know don't really donate much. So once again, I find myself struggling with this. Ugh.

To top all of this off, I am just plain exhausted these days. I feel like I don't get any sleep no matter how much or little I really get. Perhaps that is stress talking, not sure.

So, now that I have said that about fundraising. Aug 7-10 I will ride over 300 miles for the Aids Network. I would really appreciate the support, you can go here to donate.

Through the rain part 2

Okay here we go for part 2..I got home sometime after 1am on Sunday morning and all about preparing for the task at hand which was seeing and photographing the Indigo Girls of whom I have been a fan for a long time. We started out with breakfast with "the girls" aka Michelle and Mary, as well as Mel. Again the torrential rainfall started again, of course I kept saying I don't care as long as it doesn't rain tonight. This was the night I wanted really badly..I do not get the pleasure of going to concerts often, so I couldn't beat this!! This time I was able to get Loni to come with me, along with the promise of a backstage pass as well so she could be my "assistant" for the evening. So double bonus, a concert that I LOVE along with the one I love. So we head out early in the afternoon with the sun on our backs and a freshly purchased giant umbrella on our sides (never trust a weather person on a big night!) We walked around for a while since it has been almost 6 or 7 years since we had gone there together and this time we were not ducking and dodging people we didn't want to see. This time we were looking for people that we knew and hoped to see.

So, the big moment arrived for us to head back to the stage and prepare for a great show. I plunked Loni down in an ideal spot thinking that once I am doing getting some pictures I want to be able to sit and enjoy the show after words. Same rules as yesterday, well I forgot to mention that the day before on song 4 they said no more photos. So I was hoping they wouldn't do that tonight but knowing if they did, I could get enough pictures and then have a great concert. Well...not to have too much of an easy time, the clouds started to look somewhat ominous, and word from our friends at home it was really bad there.  So, wouldn't you know it...Indigo Girls getting ready to come on, here comes the rain. Biggest difference from last night? The damn wind!! Instead of being "safe" in my 6 inch to 1 foot space, I now get drenched everywhere. I was trying not to panic as I would race from the stage balcony where Loni was sitting, and the "media tent" and trying to keep the camera dry.

I was just so worried that I would let Patrick down and wanted so much to have a successful shoot. As I was not paying attention I went running around the tour bus and should have seen the umbrella coming my way but who do I run into but Amy Ray and Emily..HOLY CRAP!! It started pouring and I was stuck under the media tent with them, their security and me.. that's it. I could have easily snapped a few pictures, perhaps asked them to sign my stage pass..but I was professional and figured that my day would come. I just didn't want to get kicked out!!

When they came on stage I just put all of that behind me and did my job. I was fighting with with umbrella, the rain was awful..trying to keep the camera dry and fight all the people that came out to take photos. At one point I was going to scrap the idea of getting more pictures and walked back to the tent when one of the ladies I had met asked me if she could use my umbrella. After watching her struggle for a few min, I ran back out there and told her I would hold it for her for a few pictures if she would return the favor so we could get some shots.

Long story short, time went too quick, the weather was too wet, but the reward was too wonderful. I could not have asked for a better opportunity, it was such an honor to do this for the magazine. I only hope to be able to do this again for an interview and a concert in July, but I don't want to get my hopes up too much. I am so in love with photography, I hope that someday I can pursue this in the future.  I would love to take photography classes and travel around.

Without further delay here are some pictures:

Through the rain Part 1

I have so much to write I actually think I am slightly speechless at the moment if you can believe it. Okay let me back up to Friday afternoon..just another lazyish day at work, winding down..knowing that I have a long night of coordination ahead of me I am not really in that TGIF mood yet if you know what I mean. I believe that I relived the conversation for you in the last post so I won't bore with the repeat..but little did I realize that weekend that I was about to have.

Let see if I can recap properly, work just flew by, went to the farmers market on my bike sat morning (I love biking around town I decided..so much I have never seen!) met some friends for a few hours and walked around the square. Then I went home to start and stop my packing over the next few hours. The weather began to change rapidly at that point and I knew we were in for some storms which made me nervous because how could I get pictures in torrential downpours? After trying for a while to get some reinforcements, er, friends to join me and get Loni to come along the tornado sirens were blaring full force here so I made the trek alone knowing I would not get Loni out of the house. It took me almost 3 hours to get down to the summerfest grounds but it could have taken a week and I would not have cared. I was part excited and part scared out of my mind (what if I couldn't get the shots needed? what if I looked like an idiot out there...what the hell are they doing asking me to do this?!)

So I finally get there..get my media pass, which I just admit for a moment made me feel like superman. Well, wonder woman perhaps? It was just very right...just supposed to be, I was supposed to be there, this was supposed to be me!! Anyway, I was hanging around backstage for a while, testing the light and getting everything ready. The storms from Madison followed me the entire trip and everything was delayed delayed delayed! Around 10pm Natasha Bedingfield was finally getting ready to take the stand and they gathered us up, okay there was no us really, it was 2 other "serious" photographers and a couple of people with their point and shoot cameras. Anyway, here were the rules 1. No flash for the first 3 songs 2. After the 3rd song shoot anything you like. This was somewhat difficult because it was late and storming so all I had was my camera and my ability to manipulate it which is not really saying that much. I mean, I have taken these classes to prepare me for such an event yet I haven't had the best situations to practice...no time like the present!

Anyway, after what seemed like forever, the concert began...before I knew it I was standing in front of the stage snap, snap, snap. I shot in groups of 3 all night (317 images total) and just had a blast. I guess I found out what the "zone" was because I was in it. I noticed that she kept looking right at me, right into my lens..made for some phenomenal photos. Lucky enough there was about a 6 inch to 1 foot worth of room in front of the stage where me and my camera were completely covered and protected, behind me they were not so lucky. It was a downpour out there!

So here are a couple of the shots:

  

 

Toot, Toot!

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

It's not often that I get to toot my horn, or really get this excited about stuff but I have some fun coming up this weekend that I thought I would share. Totally random during the day my magizine friend calls up for another photo shoot oppertunity for me.

Anyway, here is what the call goes like:
Jenn:hey what's up?
mag guy: what you doing this weekend?
Jenn: why whats up
mag guy: how would you like to come out to Milwaukee and do the media for the magizine. Full access media pass with the oppertunity to meet with some people
Jenn: love to...who am i taking pictures of? you know i am working until midnight tonight
mag guy: tomorrow is Natasha Bedingfield, Indigo Girls on Sunday
Jenn: WHAT?! OF COURSE!! REALLY??

So can I call myself a celebrity photographer now? I will get some facetime and up close and personal photos! Holy crap! I might also get to repeat this next month, but I don't want to get my own hopes up so we will see what happens. To describe how excited I am is just not possible right now. There is a slight part of me that is wondering if I am just out of my league, of do I really posess some slight hidden talent for photography?! How cool would it be to do this full time. The Magizine that sends me out is being hailed as the next Advocate so perhaps my future will be in it.
So I have a huge "to do" list for tomorrow, which includes some lawn mowing and other things, but I have to work until midnight so I am stuck sitting at work right now.
As a friend said, it's time some good stuff starts happening!