You

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So many things have been happening lately. I think sometimes I need to remind myself to slow down for a minuet, take care of me for a while. So many thought, memories, emotions that are coursing through me recently. Some I wasn’t planning, some that I have shoved down about as far as I can. This time of year is a great struggle for me. I find myself in a constant search for the family that I so desperately need. I don’t’ know what is worse, to lose your family in death, or to lose them because you are shunned. I have talked often here about what this group of friends here in Madison has meant to me. This is my family of choice, my brothers & sisters that I have never had, those that stand shoulder to shoulder with me and pick me up when I fall. And although I feel that they care about me and would do anything for me, I can’t help but wonder if that is true. I keep waiting for the “just kidding” or “not now” type of thing. Perhaps this is part of my adoption/abandonment complex, I am always looking to be let down so when it happens I am not surprised.
When looking at events over the past few years I understand how certain things have lead me to certain people. Remember the story of reason, season or a lifetime? People are brought into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I think most of my friendships have been qualified by the first two…mainly because I don’t think I open up enough of myself for lifetime friendships.
I really am not good at expressing myself, never have been. I remember growing up when my mom would get upset and yell I would just stand there. Not showing any emotion, not yelling back, not engaging in any way. But when I walked away I would be overwhelmed with emotion, but I would go where it’s safe.
Safe.
How do you know when your safe?
How do you know its okay to let go? To truly be expressive.
That takes me out of my safety zone… I don’t feel in control anymore, I can’t control the reaction.
Does this go back to feeling abandon?
I don’t know how a 1 year old can feel abandoned? I think that is a crock; just an excuse. However, at 23 when I felt it again...that I feel. I relive that every time I talk with my parents, see people with families, and go through holidays.
Pieces.
Not whole.
Shattered.
Afraid.
Heartbroken.
Alone.
Abandon.
Left.
Unloved
I had a strange experience last night. I had the opportunity to go out for a nice drink after class was done and I was in a bar, packed with people, yet I felt alone. Now I don’t mind being alone, in fact I think sometimes I need to have that alone time to recharge, to center myself, to remind myself who I am.
Why am I afraid to let you in?
Why am I afraid to hug you?
Will that be the trigger? The crack that breaks the dam? The door that will open the floodgate.
The other night I was terrified I would lose it, breakdown and not be able to pull it together again. What would you have done? Would you have backed up and backed out? Would you hug me back? Would you tell me its okay?
Why am I so damn afraid to trust? This is a snippet of a song that I have loved for years, although it’s quite a sad song, this is my favorite line, yet after what I just said, very telling.
The house is full of people
But nobody's home
Everybody's here and I'm all alone
Calling out your name but there's no answer