It's Turkey Day

So I had a whole post written up but it seemed dismal and depressing so I erased it.

Today was full of hockey, and doing nothing. Didn't have a homemade meal at all.

I have much to be thankful for, and many to be thankful too. Some people that saved me in more ways than they will ever know, and have touched my heart. I don't and shouldn't need a special day to tell those people that I am thankful for them, yet sometimes the words just don't come out.

So, I hope today was spent in the company of those you enjoy, and for a brief moment you remembered that you are special. Because while I built a fire and looked in the flames, I thought of you and was so thankful!

Wandering mind

So when I let my mind wander away from me I always seem to end up blogging. good thing? maybe. Anyway, I am feeling even more blah and more sadness around the holidays this year that usual. I dislike the holiday season, mainly because there is too much fakeness in people. I can't stand the I will pretend to like you during the holidays and spit on you the rest of the year crap!
Holidays make me feel very lonley, if I must be honest, they do. They break my heart. I don't really have a good explination for this, I can't put into words really just why I feel lost around holiday time. Maybe it's because I am far from family. Maybe it's because everyone seems to have a family of their own and I feel left out. Doesn't really matter why I guess. But I have always felt like the fifth wheel.
So, origionally for Thanksgiving this year we were going to have Bri over since I know her family is doing other things. And tonight she let me know that her dad is by himself at home so she is going to spend Thanksgiving with him. I think that's awesome! In fact, I would pick that!! But,as soon as I said that I just broke down and cried, partly because I want that too! I want to feel that connection to something or someone. I know Loni will go out and hunt in the morning, and I will encourage her to go to her brothers for lunch, I know that's where she wants to be. Maybe I will go to the gym for a while, try to figure myself out. Maybe I will go to the EMS station and see if anything is going on.
maybe.

Thanksgiving

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Thanksgiving used to be my favorite time of year, favorite holiday out of all of them. I think it was because my dad’s side of the family got together on Wed night and my mom’s side was an all day Thursday type of thing. I remember after school the snowy drive out to Holland to a church building to have dinner & Christmas with Grandpa & Grandma and all of my cousins. We would be there late into the night and spending time together as a family, I loved those nights. I can still hear the laughter in the back of my mind sometimes.
Thursday we would get up for church then race home to pack whatever we were bringing and head out to Holland/Zeeland to my Grandmother’s and in later years my aunts. We would have tables set up all over the house, kids tables, adult tables, food galore. This was always my favorite side of the family, we were a giant clan that would eat all afternoon, and then lace up roller skates so we could head to the skating rink. Those that didn’t make it for dinner would show up here, and that’s when people would bring their friends and significant others. It is also the place I helped my mother break her wrist one year, ahh the memories!

This is what I think of when I think of Thanksgiving. The family times, the fun, the laughter. I have lived in WI for just over 8 years now and I have gone home for Thanksgiving twice. The one year was so I could be with the family for my Grandmother VK’s last Thanksgiving, we knew it was getting close and I wanted to be there for that day that I knew she loved and made so special for us. The last time was 3 years ago because I had a high school reunion on Friday.
What I struggle with now is not that I don’t go back to Michigan, but the fact that I am not invited. Sort of like the family reunion that happened this summer that I wasn’t told about. Granted most of the time I cannot make it...but sometimes it would be nice to at least feel like I am part of the family. But, I suppose that is how it is just going to be.

Thanksgiving, Christmas & New Years are super difficult for me on a family level. But I am working super hard to change that, and I am trying to focus on the things and people that make me happy instead of the things that I no longer have. I am building my family here, surrounding myself with people that I want to let into my life that together form my new family.
Last year we were moving on Thanksgiving day and were lucky enough to find a group of people that were willing to load the truck and help us fill our house. This year, no moving boxes, Wednesday night is Mel’s family wine tasting event, and on Thursday we might be having Bri over for dinner and we’ll see what the afternoon brings. Could be more people stopping by. Either way, I plan to have a wonderful Thanksgiving, whatever that will bring. And I am thankful for my definition of family.

Something cool is happening

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Over the last year I have found a sweet hobby of photography. I think it allows me to be bolder than I would typically be and it let’s me into people’s lives that I would be into otherwise. I have a decent eye and try to tell my story without a forced look; I like my subjects to be just as I see them in the moment. In fact, I don’t do well with posed pictures, makes me nervous. I want to see you in my film as I saw you in the moment.
With all of that being said, the pictures that I took for the rally this weekend have been getting a lot of buzz which is SO exciting to me. I am so touched, humbled and in awe of the comments I have received. Many, okay, most of which are from total strangers.
I am speechless…and truly honored.

An emotional day

So today was a rally here in Madison to fight the H8 and equal rights for LGBTQ people. Even thought everything with Prop 8 happened in CA you wouldn't know it here, it stings deep all the way in WI. I don't know why love scares people. Give me reasons that go beyond religion. I am so sick of the hatred that spews out of some people, love is love, it's really that simple.

I had a great day today, time with Mary, stopped by to see Bri with some warm coffee, a little pho, and watching some hockey. I love my Madison family, gives me peace.

love is love

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So, I wasn't going to put this on here but I am just still bothered by it so I figured I would share it then. I love to use facebook, it's a fun place for me to catch up with old friends, jab at those I currently see and just let my hair down (so to speak.) So, I was shocked when about 2 months ago my mom also joined facebook and then requested to "friend" me. Against my better judgement I went ahead and did so, making sure to start censoring myself a little and blocking certian things from her. But, one thing about facebook is that you can express your support for various groups and/or causes. So, a week or so ago someone sent me something to support leagizing gay marriage which I fully support, and I posted that on my page. Well last night my mother decides to comment on this by saying "not a good idea."
Initially I was PISSED OFF, not hurt at all because really there is no surprise here. But really?? You felt you needed to do that? Your right-winged, full of hate view, hypocritical self decided to put that on MY page?? You can't talk to me in months, and think I will let this slide? um no. After thinking for quite some time I decided the best way to handle this was to make a simple comment,

"I disagree. Everyone deserves to be equal. love is love"

Speaking of, tomorrow I will be the photographer for the Prop 8 rally in Madison. Love is love!!

Restless

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I have been feeling very restless lately - I could use a vacation, or getaway..whatever u call it. I want to hop in my truck, and just drive. honestly I don't care where. I want to turn up music, my music, and sing at the top of my lungs. I want to get away, not runaway, but take a breath.

Me

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Who Am I??
I am a slightly neurotic, obsessive hockey player that wishes to be better than my current skill level will let me be
Adopted daughter to Earl & Joyce
Co-Treasurer to the MGHA
Lion Tamer for Token Creek Lions Club
Steering committee for the Act ride
A partner
Fur babies momma
A faithful employee in a growing organization
A fiercely devoted friend
An extremely shy individual (bet you didn’t know that one!!)
A book worm
A video game geek
Someone that likes to sit back and watch
A person that remembers a lot, especially when it’s about people I care about
I notice when you are fighting the tears
I really want you to hug me too
I need to have time alone, but not too much
I want you to want me in your life
When hurt, I can cut you off forever
I panic at the thought of losing my father
I am terrified of public restrooms
I could go to an amusement park for every vacation
I am very hard on myself
I don’t feel like I deserve much
I really do like to hug
I constantly question things in life
I don’t want you to see me cry
My brain does not like to shut off at night, often keeping me up for hours while everyone else sleeps
I try to hide things, and secretly I want you to notice
When others panic, I am calm as a cucumber
I regret not telling you I love you
I miss the Army, more than I can actually put into words
I am always on guard, and usually don’t’ have that “safe” area
I really can’t tell when someone flirts with me
I really do pay attention to what you say & do
I dream about being a photographer and traveling the world
When I dream, I am the person I strive to be
My friends are my family, and I have chosen you specifically
I am scared people will leave me and will often try to push you away; just to see if that is true
I forget to eat sometimes, well okay a lot, and I am fine with that
When I tell you I am fine, I am probably not
The ice rink is one of the few places that make me happy
I will make sure you are happy before I am
I totally believe I would have loved to go to Hogwarts
Teenagers make me uncomfortable
Sometimes, I am afraid to be me
I can spend hours thinking, analyzing, & dreaming
I wish you knew how I felt
I wish I knew you cared
When you smile at me, my heart skips a beat
I love writing, not necessarily anything in particular, just writing
I wish I could tell my 15 year old self a few things
I am a character and wondered how it would be to put on a costume and do that for a living
I have a friend that I can call anytime and we can pick right up where we left off like it was yesterday, even when it was 6 months ago
I save text messages that make me happy and make me feel loved
I secretly love Julie Andrews
I question things that I was taught as a child
Sometimes, late at night when my brain doesn’t stop, I feel like no one cares
I love to make people laugh, even when it’s at my expense
I could sit in a hockey rink all day
I wish I could do something to change the world’s views on AIDS – and inspire someone to do something about it
I wish my family would not be so conservative and understand people cannot be pigeon holed and not everyone is just like you
I have had to learn to survive on my own, this doesn’t mean that I don’t need you, it just means I know how to make it alone

Swirl

I feel like my emotions, thoughts and life has been swirling around me lately. I have had an outlet for some of it, but that has been censored too. I feel like I have to censor a lot more now, not because I want to. Sometimes I feel like having a blog is my only way of letting some of my friends know what is going on with me. And the funny thing is that I see these people often. But why do we share information like this? What is wrong with sitting down and talking to one another?

Personally, I'm likely to actually sit and chat, I clam up more. Not sure what that is about. The part of me that searches for those close connections also pushes them away. I want them to ask the questions, yet I am afraid to give the answer.

The swirl of emotions, the gut check.

You

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So many things have been happening lately. I think sometimes I need to remind myself to slow down for a minuet, take care of me for a while. So many thought, memories, emotions that are coursing through me recently. Some I wasn’t planning, some that I have shoved down about as far as I can. This time of year is a great struggle for me. I find myself in a constant search for the family that I so desperately need. I don’t’ know what is worse, to lose your family in death, or to lose them because you are shunned. I have talked often here about what this group of friends here in Madison has meant to me. This is my family of choice, my brothers & sisters that I have never had, those that stand shoulder to shoulder with me and pick me up when I fall. And although I feel that they care about me and would do anything for me, I can’t help but wonder if that is true. I keep waiting for the “just kidding” or “not now” type of thing. Perhaps this is part of my adoption/abandonment complex, I am always looking to be let down so when it happens I am not surprised.
When looking at events over the past few years I understand how certain things have lead me to certain people. Remember the story of reason, season or a lifetime? People are brought into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I think most of my friendships have been qualified by the first two…mainly because I don’t think I open up enough of myself for lifetime friendships.
I really am not good at expressing myself, never have been. I remember growing up when my mom would get upset and yell I would just stand there. Not showing any emotion, not yelling back, not engaging in any way. But when I walked away I would be overwhelmed with emotion, but I would go where it’s safe.
Safe.
How do you know when your safe?
How do you know its okay to let go? To truly be expressive.
That takes me out of my safety zone… I don’t feel in control anymore, I can’t control the reaction.
Does this go back to feeling abandon?
I don’t know how a 1 year old can feel abandoned? I think that is a crock; just an excuse. However, at 23 when I felt it again...that I feel. I relive that every time I talk with my parents, see people with families, and go through holidays.
Pieces.
Not whole.
Shattered.
Afraid.
Heartbroken.
Alone.
Abandon.
Left.
Unloved
I had a strange experience last night. I had the opportunity to go out for a nice drink after class was done and I was in a bar, packed with people, yet I felt alone. Now I don’t mind being alone, in fact I think sometimes I need to have that alone time to recharge, to center myself, to remind myself who I am.
Why am I afraid to let you in?
Why am I afraid to hug you?
Will that be the trigger? The crack that breaks the dam? The door that will open the floodgate.
The other night I was terrified I would lose it, breakdown and not be able to pull it together again. What would you have done? Would you have backed up and backed out? Would you hug me back? Would you tell me its okay?
Why am I so damn afraid to trust? This is a snippet of a song that I have loved for years, although it’s quite a sad song, this is my favorite line, yet after what I just said, very telling.
The house is full of people
But nobody's home
Everybody's here and I'm all alone
Calling out your name but there's no answer

My Friend

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To trust someone so completely
To start to open up that protective cocoon
To let go just a little
To accept wholeheartedly
To be the supportive one
To stand shoulder to shoulder with
This is what a friend does
This is what a friend is
That barrier between hurt and hope
The arms that wrap you up
The shoulder that is always there
The one you call for a ride
The one you ask for help
The one you look at right in the eyes -
Letting you know you are safe, and you are loved.