The weight of the world

It's been a long time since I have posted on here...not that I don't have anything to say. Quite the opposite actually, I have so much to say, to share, to unload, but time is just moving faster than I can keep up these days.

Well let's see..Oct 9th I finally said goodbye to the eye bank. Because of the fact that my life was literally sucked out of me each day I thought it would be super easy to just walk away. I was almost shocked when I had a slightly hard time saying goodbye to people. Anyway, I am am happy to report that today marked the end of my second full week at the credit union. It has been a long couple weeks of training which makes my brain hurt but overall I am have super impressed. Ya know when something fits? Like it just feels right? I enjoy going in, love the company I hold for 8 hours a day and just genuinely like being there. I cannot even begin to describe to you just what this 1 decision has done for my life. It's been amazing for me!!

So let's see, hockey also started up again which has been fun. I am on a decent team this year but we'll see how the season goes. Hopefully I can score some goals again this season, I just love playing.

Something struck me today though. As I have gotten older, I have changed slightly physically, mainly, gaining weight. It's not been a huge amount, but enough to make me dislike my own reflection. Weight issues is not something I am unfamiliar with, it's been a struggle for so long. Back to the days in high school when I wouldn't eat so I could maintain a smaller frame, then to the days of the Army when I would take things much farther just to prove I could make weight.  I know they say when you are in a relationship you get comfortable and no longer work on keeping up that "image" and sort of let yourself go. This is unacceptable to me, and as much as I want to change this, at the moment I feel stuck between a rock and a hard spot.

I am a busy, busy individual. Boards to work on, committees to be a part of, classes to attend, and all of this is because I want to change my world. I want to leave this place a better place for people like me. I want to leave my legacy in life, something that people will remember about me when I am long gone. But while I am doing all of this, I have a supportive partner at home, that is not as supportive, or should I say tolerant any longer. I am not trying to place blame on anyone but me, but when I am only home a few nights a week and should hit the gym, I get grief about not coming right home. At the same time, I get nagged for NOT going to the gym and sitting at home. I am not very good at motivating myself, especially when it's more appealing to sit on the couch with two furry creatures wrapped up with you.

So what is my point? The reason for the rambling? Well it came to a point today when I was hopping up into the truck (yes sometimes I need to hop) and my pants split...so fricking irritating! So when I cam home to tell my humiliating story, all I got in return was "so isn't this telling you something?" wow...what are you trying to say? As if I don't feel bad enough every time I put food in my mouth? Or when you are always walking around saying you are so fat and need to work out (size 2 come on!!!)

I just don't feel like I can ever win..I am just not good enough. Then I go to hockey, and people there seem to embrace me and love me, just for me. But it tells me that perhaps I need to make some changes. Look at how to squeeze some more time to work out, and get "me" back.

ugh..that rant went on too long....so part of the weight off my shoulders now evidently resides on the scale I stand on. It's up to me to make this change.

Comments

Kimberly said…
I soooooo get what you are saying about the weight issue. I too have gained more than I'd like to. Of course, I have been able to blame it on the fact that I have 3 beautiful girls, but I think that I have actually GAINED weight in the last few months (even though I am nursing and I should be losing). And I too, have a hard time trying to balance the importance of staying healthy and making sure my family gets as much of me as they possibly can. Anyway, I too have been struggling with this issue, so you can rest assured that you are NOT alone. If you come up with a way to get out of the funk, let me know. Isn't it funny that relationships can be totally different and yet it's funny how we all struggle with the same types of issues. On another note, I'm glad that you are finally at a job that fills you instead of depletes you. That's a step in the right direction, right?

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