Half-Pint

I just don't understand what I am supposed to do with my life. What career I am supposed to have, what I am supposed to do for a living. I feel like I just float through life without much of a purpose and certainly no happiness. Every time I feel that I am on the right track something comes along to throw me off so either I just suck at everything or I am not on the right road. I just feel so alone in no knowing what to do and being utterly miserable. So much happening recently and I just feel lost...sigh...

Feeling very overwhelmed and stressed at the moment, cannot seem to get around it.

Life is so precious. The week before Christmas we found out that a good friend of ours and a fellow hockey player was diagnosed with cancer. Apparently she had a hard time breathing and when they did a scan they found some masses on her lungs. Since the diagnosis things have gotten worse and today our hockey team played her team and it was her very last game. We got a lot of our softball team to come watch the game and at the end of the game her team made a circle in the middle of the ice pounding their sticks on the ground while she went around and hugged each one. It was quite something to be included in this moment to watch someone that we thought was in good health struggling to say goodbye. It was one of the most special moments on the ice for me. We don't know what the future holds for her, we know that she is facing some tough decisions and submitting to treatment. As a group I know that we will surround her with love and shoulders to lean on when she needs it. But it...

Never thought I would be the one with the stronger willpower & resolve to stick with the clean eating longer. Hmm maybe you can teach an old dog new tricks!!

Happy New Year! Hope your year is fantastic- check out my journey through change in my life here . It's more of a triathlon/Ironman journey blog as opposed to this one just for other stuff.

So we drove down to Houston or shall I say I drove down to Houston for the holidays. This was supposed to be a trip to see my partners family & for me to explore the city to see if I want to move here. Well it's our last day- supposedly OUR day to explore since my SIL had to work but because of odd schedules and some people just not making any effort to leave before 2 pm we never did that. So who the hell knows what the city looks like or what is great about downtown because I sure don't. And so tomorrow we leave & head over to New Orleans and of course Ian driving so I just ask that we get packed before heading out yet again to the same stinkin place & I was told that if I don't want to go I can just stay here. Well that defeats the purpose of packing the truck tonight. I am sure if I say what time I would really like to leave I will be chewed out as well. I would like to be in the road at 6 or 630 so we can avoid the rush hour & get to NO for lunch. Most ...

Have I mentioned that I have been studying a lot recently? This grad school stuff is kickin my ass. I love it and hate it at the same time which is fine I suppose.  I am enjoying being able to analyze companies and at the same time myself. However it makes me realize just how unhappy I am with my current employment. ugh.  Okay that was a long enough break- time to get back to the coffee and the homework. ciao!

Flight is booked for my cruise with my folks in Feb. I will be flying Southwest for the first time which is pretty fun- I have heard such great things about flying with them. Finally some fun in the sun!

So many things happening today that I am a little overwhelmed with emotions.  First- my friend Jen's mom is coming out of her coma. 15 days of not responding at all and slowly we are watching her wake up! Second- An old high school classmate and swimteam member died tragically over the weekend. Such a young guy with 3 little kids. So sad for them and the life that was lost.  Puts life in perspective. 

My best friends mother is in the hospital - on life support- it doesn't look good. At times like this it is so hard to be far away, not to be there to support her and be there if I can be. So tonight I just offer up good thoughts, on a wing and a prayer. Come on Becky- you have grandchildren and a daughter that need you. Hang in there.

This morning I woke up crying- literally. In my dream I felt so loved, so cared for, so complete. Not that I do not feel such things in my life but it certainly filled in some gaps. It made me sad for things I don't have, grateful for the ones I do & just general blah. I cannot explain it. This morning I feelmso uncertain of things when I shouldn't be. My weight has really been bothering me, it's inability to come off for one. But my doctor says it's not an issue for me health wise, and I think this makes me feel less attractive, less like I matter. But I hold onto it, subconsciously, because it's all I have. The fog outside right now matches my tears and the fog in my head.

Well I must admit some strong emotion tonight. I got an email from my brother and he is well - he would like me to send a care package which I think would be a great idea. He also added that he wants to do a triathlon with me once he gets back to the States. WOW! I just got all nervous and excited at the same time. Since I have not actually met him yet I don't know if this is true and he would really do it or if this would not be something that happens in our future. So I am quite touched. To do something like this together...wow.

My brother that is deployed currently emailed me today. Just to say that he is okay an even though he only had a few moments of time he just wanted to check in. Yeah!

Once again it's been a while since I have posted. I suppose that happens when you start grad school. Wow..can't believe I just said that, I am in grad school. Never in a million years did I think I would be saying that one! All you people that said I would never make it to college- you can suck it! That being said, I am also going to start my journey to Ironman. Small steps of course, I will begin by doing some triathlons next summer. I started a blog so I can track my journey without boring anyone on this one- you can follow my blog here http://anironjourney.blogspot.com/.  I am sure I will be taking a break from hockey next summer to do that, my first hockey break in about 5 years, but we will see when the time comes. Anyway, work, school, more school and work that is what I am up to these days. In 2 weeks we head out to Door County for our anniversary weekend. Lucky for us that we have some friends that will watch the furbabies so we can go. Very excited to get away for...

Where the hell does time go? I am sitting here writing when I am supposed to be working on homework- go figure. This is the time when thoughts flood my mind and I begin to think about things that I want to blog about. Not that I have all that many things to say but just to get things OUT. Last weekend was Ironman WI again, ever inspiring weekend filled with yelling, cheering and being inspired by these athletes that push themselves to the limit. This year was fun because I was cheering on friends, quite a few of them this year. A few did not make it, but most of the did. I was there at 6:30am and left at 11pm. As soon as my friend Mindy was done she slugged me in the arm and asked when it was going to be my turn...well not next year but I have decided to begin my iron journey. The Ironman is still in my plan but with grad school in full swing now it will have to be something that I do not focus on now. However the ball has been tossed in my court and I am going to jump on it! Next...

So we are considering a pretty big move in the next 1-2 years. Nervous and excited..but ready to move on. I have discovered that I have a LOT of people that I know in Madison but not many are true friends or reasons NOT to leave. Funny that one of the first things that we looked at was if there were hockey teams in the area..and to our surprise there are a few options there so that is exciting! So big steps coming up for us soon…time to prepare and open up a new chapter.

I am not the religious type, not a praying person. But today my brother left for overseas. He is a young 21 year old Marine & I am scared for him. Please keep him safe, keep him focused & bring him home so I have a chance to get to know him. If it's not too much trouble please be with my other brother who is leaving to join the military- give him strength to get through it, I know it's hard, but for his new wife & child it will seem an eternity!

So I started a process in another law enforcement job and failed yet again…is this a sign?  Do I finally hang up that hat once and for all?  Seems like I have been fighting that for quite a few years now. Getting so close but then I end up failing …am I trying to push for something that was not supposed to be for me? Do I just accept that sometimes you cannot fight what is supposed to be and trust that my path will show itself to me? Is this my sign?

It's been a while since I have written here- life has been crazy! I have a trip home planned for next month, grad school starts in 2 months, work has been... Well that is for another day.

I love my parents and I enjoy their visits but usually when there are here I end up crying. I am stuck in between spending time with them and not keeping my partner out of the house. I just can't keep doing this, I am so stressed & I am sick of being in the middle. I just can't keep doing this...