Half-Pint

This morning I woke up crying- literally. In my dream I felt so loved, so cared for, so complete. Not that I do not feel such things in my life but it certainly filled in some gaps. It made me sad for things I don't have, grateful for the ones I do & just general blah. I cannot explain it. This morning I feelmso uncertain of things when I shouldn't be. My weight has really been bothering me, it's inability to come off for one. But my doctor says it's not an issue for me health wise, and I think this makes me feel less attractive, less like I matter. But I hold onto it, subconsciously, because it's all I have. The fog outside right now matches my tears and the fog in my head.

Well I must admit some strong emotion tonight. I got an email from my brother and he is well - he would like me to send a care package which I think would be a great idea. He also added that he wants to do a triathlon with me once he gets back to the States. WOW! I just got all nervous and excited at the same time. Since I have not actually met him yet I don't know if this is true and he would really do it or if this would not be something that happens in our future. So I am quite touched. To do something like this together...wow.

My brother that is deployed currently emailed me today. Just to say that he is okay an even though he only had a few moments of time he just wanted to check in. Yeah!

Once again it's been a while since I have posted. I suppose that happens when you start grad school. Wow..can't believe I just said that, I am in grad school. Never in a million years did I think I would be saying that one! All you people that said I would never make it to college- you can suck it! That being said, I am also going to start my journey to Ironman. Small steps of course, I will begin by doing some triathlons next summer. I started a blog so I can track my journey without boring anyone on this one- you can follow my blog here http://anironjourney.blogspot.com/.  I am sure I will be taking a break from hockey next summer to do that, my first hockey break in about 5 years, but we will see when the time comes. Anyway, work, school, more school and work that is what I am up to these days. In 2 weeks we head out to Door County for our anniversary weekend. Lucky for us that we have some friends that will watch the furbabies so we can go. Very excited to get away for...

Where the hell does time go? I am sitting here writing when I am supposed to be working on homework- go figure. This is the time when thoughts flood my mind and I begin to think about things that I want to blog about. Not that I have all that many things to say but just to get things OUT. Last weekend was Ironman WI again, ever inspiring weekend filled with yelling, cheering and being inspired by these athletes that push themselves to the limit. This year was fun because I was cheering on friends, quite a few of them this year. A few did not make it, but most of the did. I was there at 6:30am and left at 11pm. As soon as my friend Mindy was done she slugged me in the arm and asked when it was going to be my turn...well not next year but I have decided to begin my iron journey. The Ironman is still in my plan but with grad school in full swing now it will have to be something that I do not focus on now. However the ball has been tossed in my court and I am going to jump on it! Next...

So we are considering a pretty big move in the next 1-2 years. Nervous and excited..but ready to move on. I have discovered that I have a LOT of people that I know in Madison but not many are true friends or reasons NOT to leave. Funny that one of the first things that we looked at was if there were hockey teams in the area..and to our surprise there are a few options there so that is exciting! So big steps coming up for us soon…time to prepare and open up a new chapter.

I am not the religious type, not a praying person. But today my brother left for overseas. He is a young 21 year old Marine & I am scared for him. Please keep him safe, keep him focused & bring him home so I have a chance to get to know him. If it's not too much trouble please be with my other brother who is leaving to join the military- give him strength to get through it, I know it's hard, but for his new wife & child it will seem an eternity!

So I started a process in another law enforcement job and failed yet again…is this a sign?  Do I finally hang up that hat once and for all?  Seems like I have been fighting that for quite a few years now. Getting so close but then I end up failing …am I trying to push for something that was not supposed to be for me? Do I just accept that sometimes you cannot fight what is supposed to be and trust that my path will show itself to me? Is this my sign?

It's been a while since I have written here- life has been crazy! I have a trip home planned for next month, grad school starts in 2 months, work has been... Well that is for another day.

I love my parents and I enjoy their visits but usually when there are here I end up crying. I am stuck in between spending time with them and not keeping my partner out of the house. I just can't keep doing this, I am so stressed & I am sick of being in the middle. I just can't keep doing this...

Some people just bring drama around way too much. I am at the point that I just need to cut all those people from my life, no time and no room for it all. If you can't live life drama free you need to go somewhere else! In other words..here is the first picture of me ever taken. I have never seen a picture of myself before the age of 1 so seeing me at 1 day old is something rather strange. But here I am :O) Here is baby Bobbi Jo And this is me and Grandma Great! It's strange...different time, different name..different family.

I am still trying to sort everything out, trying not to push too hard, not to throw myself all in without taking some time to absorb the information. I am struggling with everything regarding my brother tho. He is young, focused on himself and shows signs on occasion of being interested in me he is not very good at answering my questions or responding back to me. I am trying not to be frustrated, but it's hard. I keep trying to remind myself what it was like at his age and to understand what he must be feeling to just find out about me. I am trying to separate my own feelings from what must be going on with him. I am also trying not to feel disappointment in all of this. Those dreams I had when I was a kid that this birth family would swoop in and take me away - that they would all be these great people that missed me terribly. And what I found was a lot of struggling and hurting individuals, brothers that didn't know I existed and didn't share the same feelings. All I ...

So much information. So many stories, so much learned over the last few weeks. Sounds like a family was shattered almost 34 years ago, and I think the child that shattered them might also be helping them mend those hurts all these years later. Sill so much to take in...

So tomorrow is the big day and I admit I am slightly terrified. I have many emotions and I don't know quite what to think yet. Part of me is super excited, nervous and then there is a part that is scared. I don't know what to think. I seriously thought I was going to have a panic attack today at one point. Just have to remember to breathe.

So many emotions have been going through my head. Overwhelmed, sadness, more recently anger. I still don't know how to wrap my head around it. For so many years I dreamed my my "real" family would swoop in and rescue me from my life. Not that I had such a horrible life mind you, but something about knowing someone didn't really mean to let me go...that they made a mistake. And for what? This family that didn't want me? A family I didn't know?! Well now I am older, I get to hear the background story, hear and understand what really happened. Not what my childhood mind made up one night while crying in my bed. Only 5 days and I will get to meet my Aunt Deb face to face, understand more of what happened. And I am trying to prepare my head and my heart for the difference in imagination and my reality. I am excited, nervous & I think a little terrified. When I first met Kathy it was about getting some medical questions answered, it was partial curiosity and...

I am so tired...haven't slept well recently, so much on my mind. I took a short bath last night just to try and sort everything out in my head. How do you wrap your head around the fact that most of the stuff that you knew about where you came from was built on lies and you are essentially starting over. How do you wrap your head around 33 years as an only child and now you have brothers - at least 1 that wants to know you. That you were just dropped off to family and picked up 8 months later only to be sent out for adoption?! As a wise friend said, just to take 1 thing at a time - easier said than done though. My head and my heart are doing flip-flops.

2 years ago we said goodbye to Deb. 2 years ago we saw part of the family fall. It's been an emotional week for me with everything going on and to have this anniversary now just adds to it. Deb, we miss you more than words can say, every day. We miss that smoky laugh, those early morning garage sale shopping trips. We just miss you Deb.

I have had a lot of emotions about the letter I received on Wednesday. Yesterday I sat at work and wrote 3 drafts to a letter that I was going to send in reply. Everything seemed so odd and strange. That was until I decided to use trusty facebook. I looked up the name of the woman that had contacted me and everything is there, it all matches. This entire 2 nd family of mine that let me go 33 years ago is right there. Pictures of the boys that I know are my brothers, pictures of aunts, uncles & cousins that I have never met. Reading Kathy’s entries (this is my birth mother, so much easier that saying my birthmother every time) remind me of the circumstances to which I was born. A family that was not highly educated mostly earned a living by working in factories and just didn’t get far away from that small town. The boys are both in the military, and I hope they get a chance to get out and see the world and experience those things that I have. I wonder if they know a...

Today I came home to find a letter to me in the mail. Much to my shock it is from someone in my birth family. They say they are my Aunt & have not been allowed to contact me until now. Apparently there are members of the family that want to meet me. It's been 2 1/2 years since Helen died and I thought this connection to them was gone. I am speechless...not sure what to do.

Yesterday was vet visit day in our house. That means 10 min of very loud and excited barking, leashes pulling, tails wagging like crazy. And don't forget the cats that seem to scatter to the four winds when their cages come out. But away we all went at 7am. Most of these visits are no big deal and we get a call around 3pm that they will be ready for pick up when we are done with work. But, they called before noon yesterday, and it seems my Jersey- the oldest of my two Rat Terriers at 10, is a little sicker than we knew. Jersey has developed a heart murmur, and also has an enlarged heart. This is not a death sentence for him and I know he has a lot of life yet to live but it makes you stop for a moment. He will be on heart medication for the rest of his life now, and we will need to take extra steps for him to get off the extra weight. We did decide yesterday that we are getting a small pool for the back yard this summer so we can continue his water exercise. This seemed to hel...