Half-Pint

It won't be long now. My aunt is at home surrounded by all of her kids and grandkids and she is fading quickly. It is these moments that I miss my family tremendously and am so jealous of the relationships that they have with each other. I wish them peace as they say good bye to their mother, grandmother and wife. I wish her peace.

My new year started with news that my aunt was diagnosed with pancreatic & liver cancer. They were hopeful that 6 treatments of chemo would be able to help reduce some of the cancer. Having dealt with pancreatic cancer enough in my life I knew that the outlook was not good but I was hoping that it would do the trick. Over the last couple of weeks she has gotten her chemo, but it was not easy for her and her treatments would get postponed. Over the last week she became very weak and was brought into the hospital for further testing. It was determined yesterday that the cancer has actually grown & they have decided to stop treatment. Today she is being flown by private jet back to MI where she will be entering hospice care. Many a childhood memory of going over to Aunt Alma & Uncle Rog’s house…going up to their cabin and being together. I am still trying to process everything, but it has brought up some strange emotions in me. As my parent’s age I become more and more a...

Well we are back..vacation is now over. Time for laundry & coming back to reality now. I would say at least we have the weekend to relax but tomorrow night we have a hockey game and Sunday we have to travel to Chicago for a hockey game. Ugh..then it's really back to reality. So here are my thoughts on Vegas. Vegas at nighttime is breathtaking, it's just an amazing display of lights & things going on it's unreal. Daytime on the strip is very trashy & disgusting. The gauntlet of people pushing the porn cards, the aggressive timeshare people & homeless just make this town nasty. I describe Vegas as an adult spring break...it is all about drinking and women. To be honest, my first time will be my last. There is not one thing that I can say I need to go back and see again, or to do. I had fun but I am glad I didn't hardly spend any of my money down there. We had enough coupons to gamble with their money & eat for free that this was probably the cheapes...

Almost 2 years ago I made a promise. I promised my mother-in-law that I would make sure that Loni was able to travel and see all the things that Deb had wanted to but never did herself. In 5 days I will be able to start living up to that promise with our trip to Las Vegas. We will follow that up with going down to Texas for the holidays and our cruise to Alaska the first part of 2012. We are at a point now that sometimes we can talk about Deb and we can laugh about something that she would have loved to hear, or a memory she would have loved to relive. It’s hard to believe that it’s been 2 years already – here is something that I read to Deb during the time that I shared when she was in the hospital – no one else was in the room, it was “my time” with Deb: I don’t know if it’s true that people can still hear in this situation, I don’t know if your brain is still processing what is happening all around you, if you know that we are here. I do know what I have seen, I know based on my t...

I am a little pissed at myself...I put trust in someone..as a friend and I get shit on and completely disrespected. I want to tell this person that, I understand why you are upset, but you treated me, your friend, like crap. Do you care? Have you bothered to think of how you treated me at all? After all the times that I made sure I had your back, that I stood up for you and fought for you this is what I get in return? I am pissed that I put myself out there again. I am pissed that I extend a hand in friendship to be run all over. I don't need people that want to do this in my life, that makes me very sad but I cannot have it. I cannot have this digging and passive aggressiveness. I won't have it around me. New Year, New Chance, No More Crap!

So it's a new year, a new beginning, a chance to say "I won't do this anymore" or "I think I will try that." It is once again our opportunity to make some silly resolutions only to break them again by Valentines Day. In a couple of weeks we will be going on our first vacation in 10 years..Vegas here we come baby! Planning the Alaska cruise now as well - all within a budget and trips saved for and paid for before taking. It's an amazing feeling! Work is going good..they have me on some management track or something. Which is to say that they think I have the potential for supervisor some day. No shit. I am considering going back to get my masters in Public Administration. This could open up doors at state or federal level jobs at some point. The program at my school has a competitive Fellow program that I am quite interested in as well. Overall I think it would be challenging, a pain in the ass and expensive...all the reasons I should do it! But I a...

So a new book by my favorite author just came out at the end of Nov, which is awesome of course. Had Loni's mom still been here I would have known about the book long ago. It's those little things that I still miss. It's those little things that I fear missing in my own parents some day. I still miss you Deb. Although now we can remember you with smiles more than tears - you will always be forever young in our eyes.

I wish we could just skip from Oct to January and miss all those holidays in-between. Growing up my favorite holiday of all was Thanksgiving. It was so much fun to head out to Grandma's house for the day and then roller skating at night. But over the last few years the holidays have gotten much more difficult. I have not been home for a Thanksgiving since my Grandmother passed away- that was the sweetest memory I have of her, being able to see her and share her favorite holiday as well. For the last few years Loni and I have spent holidays with her family but last year was the first one without her mother. We had an invitation to our friends house for the day, we told them we would be there, but at the last moment Loni just couldn't go..she was very upset and having a hard day. It was the first major holiday without her mom and I understand..we sat at home, by ourselves just doing nothing. So this year a friend of ours has invited us to have Thanksgiving with her and some ...

Time does fly when your having fun. Hockey is in full swing and that has really taken priority of the schedule these days. My team had our first game last weekend which we won 1-0, fantastic game. It was kinda cool to see the plays unfold like they are supposed to, the speed was much faster and the skill was much better than what I have played in the past. Any amount of reservation that I might have had were completely erased that weekend. Just sad that some of my former teammates cannot even have the decency to ask how it is going on the new team. We even went to their first game to support them but got a lot of cold shoulders from them after the game. Oh well - life goes on. No regrets here and I am super excited for the experience to play on another level with a fantastic coach. Things are going well other than that - work is going well. Have been sticking with the running each day, Berbee Derby is right around the corner and I also still want to do the triathlons next summer. I ...

Okay I admit I am somewhat a chicken, afraid of confrontation? Big nod to yes. While on the phone with my dad this morning he had said that they had a big day on Sunday (that’s dad speak for did you remember our anniversary on Sunday?) He even felt it necessary to share that it was 10-10-10, fantastic. Oh yeah, I said? Then like the little devil I am I wrangled the conversation to there was a child born on 10-10-10 at 10:10 and moved onto something different. In my head I was screaming, very loudly too, about why should I celebrate your anniversary when you won’t acknowledge mine? What makes you so special? I wanted to scream that yes I think 41 years is awesome, and I hope to be able to say that some day myself, but I just did and said nothing. They are coming for a visit in 1 month, for the first time I don’t know that I really want them here. Correction, I don’t want her here. But I don’t get to hang out with my father without her. I don’t know how much longer I can keep up th...

So I have yet to address my mothers email... not sure what I am waiting for really. The words have not yet come for what I am truly feeling towards my mother right now. Today is their anniversary, 41 years. Do I call and wish them a happy anniversary? Do I say nothing at all? Do I rise above their actions and be the better person? I think I will split the difference and send a text.

I just can't seem to get the rest of my thoughts out..Here I am unable to let my mind shut off, feeling quite alone in my world tonight. I did sign up for a few running events today, partially because if I don't I will never keep up training. And partially because I feel the need to make some changes in my life. This winter I really want to focus on train for some Triathlons next summer & also for hockey. As much as I hate running..it is actually the one time that I feel like I can climb within myself and forget about what is going on in the world. Just lose myself in the music.

I have a secret… I have carried with me in silence for a long time. In hearing the rash of teenage suicides recently I have been thinking about how it could have been me, I was so close – it could have been me! So…almost 20 years ago I attempted to take my own life. I knew what I was doing...it wasn’t an accidental type of thing. I actually planned it for quite a while. I remember after a 6am swim practice I swallowed a lot of pills that I had stolen from my grandfathers “stash” (he died 6 months previously so no one noticed) and then I went to school. From what I am told, I was acting strange and even walked up to someone and placed my hand on her shoulder and just said “help me” before collapsing. I don’t remember much from that day at all...I remember being in the hospital where they kept asking me if I took anything, which I apparently denied for quite a while. They ended up doing a spinal tap to test what was in my system, trying to counteract what I had taken with a bunch of ...

I am seriously upset & furious right now..on what should be a wonderful end of a wonderful day. Today is me & Loni's 10 year anniversary- pretty big day for anyone. Fun times at work when both Loni & I ended up sending each other a dozen roses thinking we got one up on the other! Then it was opening night of the Badgers Women's Hockey..we got a fantastic win and a fun game. Then I get to come home to this...an email.from my mother: Feeling very uncomfortable with your picture, etc. on Facebook. A lot of my friends and family do not know, well probably should say, didn't know!! Now, I don't know. Should I mention that it is just a picture of my partner & I..and my status today was "Cannot believe it's been 10 years. Thank you Loni for all the laughs, for truly being my soul mate & the one I can always count on to be there. Can't wait for the next 10!!" Okay...at what point do you stop being such a hateful person? At what po...

Wow..I finally found what I have been looking for! I got to meet my new team, new coach and practice together for the first time tonight and it was amazing! Our coach has coached women's hockey before and he said that he is all about getting the basics down and conditioning the hell out of us. For the last 5 years I have played..I have never had coaching like this. I think I am in for an amazing year. Not to mention that we did team drills like I have never had. Oh where was all this when I started!!

I find it funny, or at least interesting that celebrities check themselves into a hospital for exhaustion or stress. They only work when they take a job and that job might go 8-12 weeks. How about 40hrs each week where "the man" tells you how much time off you get?! I would love to check myself in some place for a few days..just get away from it all. Not possible for us "regular joe's" that need to go in each day. I actually look forward to the holiday season, not for the holidays, but for the day off to relax. There are just not enough hours in the day to get everything done! Been in kind of a rut the last few days..not sure if it's the change of weather that has me in this little funk or what.

I am sitting here in a self imposed isolation..thinking about the last week. I will say it was one of the more stressful ones I have had in a while. My parents will visit 1 more time before heading down to Fl. for the winter. Always a bittersweet time of year for me. I don't think they relax and enjoy retirement enough during the summer but they are so far away during the winter. Each year I wonder if I am going to get another phone call like I did just a few short years ago. My dad mentioned quite a few times this weekend about getting up to 75. Today some friends let us down..again. I hate 1 way friendships - I find them obviously lopsided and disheartening. I am a pretty forgiving person..sometimes to my own detriment, but after so many years of letting people trample on me enough is enough. I am at a point that if you are unwilling to invest some time back at me then I will not continue to seek out time with you. I don't believe that you should trust someone fully until...

I really need to find time to get on here more- my posts tend to be inspired or driven by my emotions & what is going on around me. I did start writing some poetry again, it's been quite a relief to get the creative juices flowing again.. So much going on..so much I need to get out. Lot's of emotions rolling around.. Ugh, I just can't find the words right now..

Wow time really does fly. Here I am trying to fit a quit blog time into my day. Work all day, quick run when I got home and some dinner- and that's nights that I don't have hockey or rugby. Whew, I need a vacation!

I have been trying to take time to listen to that small voice inside of me to guide me on my way. It's kind of strange why things and circumstances come into your path in life... So a few months ago I was putting some pictures on facebook and ran into some of my old rugby ones - I decided to see if I could get in contact with some more of my teammates. I have not played on this team in 9ish/10 years. Anyway, when I first came to Madison not knowing anyone or having anywhere to go I found this rugby team that helped me transition to the city and became a part of my family. So this week week happens to be the Rugby World Cup which my former teammate is playing in. So I have been thinking a lot about rugby and how much fun I used to have playing so after a little chat with Loni she said I should play again. So this morning I sent some email and got some information..hopefully I will get to start pre-season training with the team this winter and play next summer. Hockey in the winter...