Half-Pint

Well today was not a happy holiday, nor was is a merry xmas...Today was frustrating, sad & far away from a good day. We are here alone with no family around. Last year we went to Texas for the holidays which was a wonderful time, and prior years we had gone up to my BIL to be with the kids and hang out for the day. Well for the last year he has been a selfish prick that is going through his own stuff and not realizing or caring that he is hurting his own family. So today we sat at home. No family, no friends..just us. L was a mess today, very upset and crying. Nothing I could do would snap her out of her sadness today. I tried many times to get our out to go to a movie or something but she couldn't hardly go 5 min without crying. To say that today was a very rough day is an understatement. I think next year I will try and send L down to TX to be with her sister. This was just too rough.

Well summer certainly flew by-holy crap! Let's see what is all going on these days, karate- lots and lots of karate. We go pretty much 5 days a week right now which is an adjustment for the house but it's so much fun and an excellent workout! I will be testing for my next belt in less than a month so I am excited about that. Big difference in my martial arts training this time around is that I feel my instructor really makes us earn our belts and encourages us to do our best. I am lucky because I decided to go down a couple of ranks and enter into this school as a green belt- which is right where I belong. I have a nice group of ladies that are green as well and if all goes well we will work our way up to black belt together. The plan is to take a semi-permeant break from hockey so we can focus on our training. This has made me so happy and relieved so much stress from my life. I can honestly say that I have not missed hockey at all which is quite surprising t...

Tomorrow I head home again for a long weekend with my folks. Always a trying and emotional time for me, on the one hand I am excited to see my dad and some friends/family while I am in town. On the other hand there is such a tension between my mother and I it's palpable. Many of my friends here just do not understand that it is only for my father that I make this trip. I know that once he is gone I will miss him every single day and will be glad I took the time and endured whatever I had to to spend time to him. I just wish once, just once they would finally meet my partner. But I cannot hold my breath for that day because I know it will never come. My folks are actually a lot of fun and I have some great times when I am with them. We laugh a lot and we enjoy each other's company as long as we have something to do..a focus. I don't know if I really have a point to this other than just that I am stressed out.

On Tuesday I decided to "introduce" myself to my brother. All I had was facebook but I knew my other brother was in town so this might be a good time to lay this one on him. I just said my name was Jenn and I was born April 28, 1977 to Kathy and I am your sister. Time has been ticking by since then, no response or anything. Apparently he has not said anything at all so I don't know if this is a good sign or not. I have been feeling very strongly lately that I need to gather my family close to me. But now I just have to sit and wait. I hope my brothers understand that I just want to build a relationship with them, I have never had siblings & they have always had each other. But now I just sit and wait...

So many changes to share and I don't know where to start right now. I suppose starting at the beginning would be helpful. School was going along wonderfully until somewhere around March/April- essentially after I got home from my cruise. That was when school just fell apart for me and a challenge because an obstacle and that became an impossibility which lead to a withdraw. That prompted another try, renewed effort and again withdraw and I have ended my masters studies for now. I just found that anything with account or statistics just had a roadblock for me that I am unable to get around. Truly made me feel like a failure and frankly like an idiot. So student status is currently on the off side. Apparently there are just things that I cannot grasp and rather than continue to beat myself up longer I pulled out. As if that wasn't enough, this may come as a shock but I am also hanging up my hockey skates. I have been disenchanted with hockey for...

As children we are asked early what do you want to be when you grow up? It starts innocently with princess, president, astronaut, police office. But at some point they actually expect that you just know  what you want to do, then ship you off to school for a few years and viola- there you are! But what if your dream and your ability to do this occupation do not mesh, and then you are faced with - nothing? A series of mindless, lackluster occupations that will bring home money for your family but leave you unfulfilled and wishing for more. So what does someone do when they are 35 and realize that they just don't know what they want to do with their life. Faced with working on a masters in something that is not bringing them joy or doing the scary thing and starting over. But how do you know what your passion is, or what you are supposed to do with your life. If you have many things that interest you and sound good but just doesn't strike a cord. So where do you go? Wha...

I think that time has run away from me these days. I look around and it's days later and I just don't have enough time anymore. Story of life I know...but it's unnerving. School is a struggle. I found my ultimate roadblock in accounting and actually had to attempt this class twice. Sadly, I did not win this battle and then it became a question of changing majors or dropping my attempt at masters all together. Well not being one to just give up I switched to an MPA which is public administration. Not my ideal and actually I am not as excited about the classes. I am really struggling now where the classes for my MBA just came easily to me. Makes me wonder if this is not a poor choice. I hate that I just cannot understand something like accounting no matter what I have tried and it is very demoralizing. Currently I have two classes which are a mixture of accounting and statistics which is like my nightmare. I have a feeling that I am not going to do well this term but we wi...

Ever have a moment where you feel like a dream is just slipping away from you?! I have an awesome opportunity for a new job, one that I am excited about and is perfect for me. Except for the cut in pay I would have to take. I planned on a cut, would gladly take a cut for this. But the amount they would be asking is just too great. I am not willing to risk our financial future on this. It's a very difficult and painful reality that I am trying to accept to just walk away from something I would love to do. We have tried to think if there is any way to pull it off, but it's just not possible. We are not just talking about a little bit of an adjustment, like 1/2 my current salary! Finally found a company that is awesome, with fantastic benefits and really wants to have me a part of their company and I have to just walk away. Dream just slipping away...

I just don't understand what I am supposed to do with my life. What career I am supposed to have, what I am supposed to do for a living. I feel like I just float through life without much of a purpose and certainly no happiness. Every time I feel that I am on the right track something comes along to throw me off so either I just suck at everything or I am not on the right road. I just feel so alone in no knowing what to do and being utterly miserable. So much happening recently and I just feel lost...sigh...

Feeling very overwhelmed and stressed at the moment, cannot seem to get around it.

Life is so precious. The week before Christmas we found out that a good friend of ours and a fellow hockey player was diagnosed with cancer. Apparently she had a hard time breathing and when they did a scan they found some masses on her lungs. Since the diagnosis things have gotten worse and today our hockey team played her team and it was her very last game. We got a lot of our softball team to come watch the game and at the end of the game her team made a circle in the middle of the ice pounding their sticks on the ground while she went around and hugged each one. It was quite something to be included in this moment to watch someone that we thought was in good health struggling to say goodbye. It was one of the most special moments on the ice for me. We don't know what the future holds for her, we know that she is facing some tough decisions and submitting to treatment. As a group I know that we will surround her with love and shoulders to lean on when she needs it. But it...

Never thought I would be the one with the stronger willpower & resolve to stick with the clean eating longer. Hmm maybe you can teach an old dog new tricks!!

Happy New Year! Hope your year is fantastic- check out my journey through change in my life here . It's more of a triathlon/Ironman journey blog as opposed to this one just for other stuff.

So we drove down to Houston or shall I say I drove down to Houston for the holidays. This was supposed to be a trip to see my partners family & for me to explore the city to see if I want to move here. Well it's our last day- supposedly OUR day to explore since my SIL had to work but because of odd schedules and some people just not making any effort to leave before 2 pm we never did that. So who the hell knows what the city looks like or what is great about downtown because I sure don't. And so tomorrow we leave & head over to New Orleans and of course Ian driving so I just ask that we get packed before heading out yet again to the same stinkin place & I was told that if I don't want to go I can just stay here. Well that defeats the purpose of packing the truck tonight. I am sure if I say what time I would really like to leave I will be chewed out as well. I would like to be in the road at 6 or 630 so we can avoid the rush hour & get to NO for lunch. Most ...

Have I mentioned that I have been studying a lot recently? This grad school stuff is kickin my ass. I love it and hate it at the same time which is fine I suppose.  I am enjoying being able to analyze companies and at the same time myself. However it makes me realize just how unhappy I am with my current employment. ugh.  Okay that was a long enough break- time to get back to the coffee and the homework. ciao!

Flight is booked for my cruise with my folks in Feb. I will be flying Southwest for the first time which is pretty fun- I have heard such great things about flying with them. Finally some fun in the sun!

So many things happening today that I am a little overwhelmed with emotions.  First- my friend Jen's mom is coming out of her coma. 15 days of not responding at all and slowly we are watching her wake up! Second- An old high school classmate and swimteam member died tragically over the weekend. Such a young guy with 3 little kids. So sad for them and the life that was lost.  Puts life in perspective. 

My best friends mother is in the hospital - on life support- it doesn't look good. At times like this it is so hard to be far away, not to be there to support her and be there if I can be. So tonight I just offer up good thoughts, on a wing and a prayer. Come on Becky- you have grandchildren and a daughter that need you. Hang in there.

This morning I woke up crying- literally. In my dream I felt so loved, so cared for, so complete. Not that I do not feel such things in my life but it certainly filled in some gaps. It made me sad for things I don't have, grateful for the ones I do & just general blah. I cannot explain it. This morning I feelmso uncertain of things when I shouldn't be. My weight has really been bothering me, it's inability to come off for one. But my doctor says it's not an issue for me health wise, and I think this makes me feel less attractive, less like I matter. But I hold onto it, subconsciously, because it's all I have. The fog outside right now matches my tears and the fog in my head.

Well I must admit some strong emotion tonight. I got an email from my brother and he is well - he would like me to send a care package which I think would be a great idea. He also added that he wants to do a triathlon with me once he gets back to the States. WOW! I just got all nervous and excited at the same time. Since I have not actually met him yet I don't know if this is true and he would really do it or if this would not be something that happens in our future. So I am quite touched. To do something like this together...wow.