Half-Pint

It's been a while since I have written here- life has been crazy! I have a trip home planned for next month, grad school starts in 2 months, work has been... Well that is for another day.

I love my parents and I enjoy their visits but usually when there are here I end up crying. I am stuck in between spending time with them and not keeping my partner out of the house. I just can't keep doing this, I am so stressed & I am sick of being in the middle. I just can't keep doing this...

Some people just bring drama around way too much. I am at the point that I just need to cut all those people from my life, no time and no room for it all. If you can't live life drama free you need to go somewhere else! In other words..here is the first picture of me ever taken. I have never seen a picture of myself before the age of 1 so seeing me at 1 day old is something rather strange. But here I am :O) Here is baby Bobbi Jo And this is me and Grandma Great! It's strange...different time, different name..different family.

I am still trying to sort everything out, trying not to push too hard, not to throw myself all in without taking some time to absorb the information. I am struggling with everything regarding my brother tho. He is young, focused on himself and shows signs on occasion of being interested in me he is not very good at answering my questions or responding back to me. I am trying not to be frustrated, but it's hard. I keep trying to remind myself what it was like at his age and to understand what he must be feeling to just find out about me. I am trying to separate my own feelings from what must be going on with him. I am also trying not to feel disappointment in all of this. Those dreams I had when I was a kid that this birth family would swoop in and take me away - that they would all be these great people that missed me terribly. And what I found was a lot of struggling and hurting individuals, brothers that didn't know I existed and didn't share the same feelings. All I ...

So much information. So many stories, so much learned over the last few weeks. Sounds like a family was shattered almost 34 years ago, and I think the child that shattered them might also be helping them mend those hurts all these years later. Sill so much to take in...

So tomorrow is the big day and I admit I am slightly terrified. I have many emotions and I don't know quite what to think yet. Part of me is super excited, nervous and then there is a part that is scared. I don't know what to think. I seriously thought I was going to have a panic attack today at one point. Just have to remember to breathe.

So many emotions have been going through my head. Overwhelmed, sadness, more recently anger. I still don't know how to wrap my head around it. For so many years I dreamed my my "real" family would swoop in and rescue me from my life. Not that I had such a horrible life mind you, but something about knowing someone didn't really mean to let me go...that they made a mistake. And for what? This family that didn't want me? A family I didn't know?! Well now I am older, I get to hear the background story, hear and understand what really happened. Not what my childhood mind made up one night while crying in my bed. Only 5 days and I will get to meet my Aunt Deb face to face, understand more of what happened. And I am trying to prepare my head and my heart for the difference in imagination and my reality. I am excited, nervous & I think a little terrified. When I first met Kathy it was about getting some medical questions answered, it was partial curiosity and...

I am so tired...haven't slept well recently, so much on my mind. I took a short bath last night just to try and sort everything out in my head. How do you wrap your head around the fact that most of the stuff that you knew about where you came from was built on lies and you are essentially starting over. How do you wrap your head around 33 years as an only child and now you have brothers - at least 1 that wants to know you. That you were just dropped off to family and picked up 8 months later only to be sent out for adoption?! As a wise friend said, just to take 1 thing at a time - easier said than done though. My head and my heart are doing flip-flops.

2 years ago we said goodbye to Deb. 2 years ago we saw part of the family fall. It's been an emotional week for me with everything going on and to have this anniversary now just adds to it. Deb, we miss you more than words can say, every day. We miss that smoky laugh, those early morning garage sale shopping trips. We just miss you Deb.

I have had a lot of emotions about the letter I received on Wednesday. Yesterday I sat at work and wrote 3 drafts to a letter that I was going to send in reply. Everything seemed so odd and strange. That was until I decided to use trusty facebook. I looked up the name of the woman that had contacted me and everything is there, it all matches. This entire 2 nd family of mine that let me go 33 years ago is right there. Pictures of the boys that I know are my brothers, pictures of aunts, uncles & cousins that I have never met. Reading Kathy’s entries (this is my birth mother, so much easier that saying my birthmother every time) remind me of the circumstances to which I was born. A family that was not highly educated mostly earned a living by working in factories and just didn’t get far away from that small town. The boys are both in the military, and I hope they get a chance to get out and see the world and experience those things that I have. I wonder if they know a...

Today I came home to find a letter to me in the mail. Much to my shock it is from someone in my birth family. They say they are my Aunt & have not been allowed to contact me until now. Apparently there are members of the family that want to meet me. It's been 2 1/2 years since Helen died and I thought this connection to them was gone. I am speechless...not sure what to do.

Yesterday was vet visit day in our house. That means 10 min of very loud and excited barking, leashes pulling, tails wagging like crazy. And don't forget the cats that seem to scatter to the four winds when their cages come out. But away we all went at 7am. Most of these visits are no big deal and we get a call around 3pm that they will be ready for pick up when we are done with work. But, they called before noon yesterday, and it seems my Jersey- the oldest of my two Rat Terriers at 10, is a little sicker than we knew. Jersey has developed a heart murmur, and also has an enlarged heart. This is not a death sentence for him and I know he has a lot of life yet to live but it makes you stop for a moment. He will be on heart medication for the rest of his life now, and we will need to take extra steps for him to get off the extra weight. We did decide yesterday that we are getting a small pool for the back yard this summer so we can continue his water exercise. This seemed to hel...

I don't really have much to say.  Hockey season is pretty much over, we have our wonderful fun tournament next weekend and then it's time to step off the ice for a little bit. Sounds like I might not have a summer spot for hockey so I might be taking a longer break than I wanted - but it happens. Looks like I am going to begin the application process for my masters degree. I hope to start fall sometime which will allow me to enjoy the summer and get outside running more. Then it's time to buckle down and get it done.

I had a chance to see, for the first time this weekend just how strong family could be.  I think for the first time in my life I will actually miss family, and wish I could see them more.  It was nice to chat with some cousins that I have not seen in many, many years & find that as adults we have a much different connection than we did in our younger years. It was nice to truly be treated like family. It was sad that my folks couldn't make it back in time but in a way I think it would have been a much different experience for me. I truly felt the love of family this weekend.

It won't be long now. My aunt is at home surrounded by all of her kids and grandkids and she is fading quickly. It is these moments that I miss my family tremendously and am so jealous of the relationships that they have with each other. I wish them peace as they say good bye to their mother, grandmother and wife. I wish her peace.

My new year started with news that my aunt was diagnosed with pancreatic & liver cancer. They were hopeful that 6 treatments of chemo would be able to help reduce some of the cancer. Having dealt with pancreatic cancer enough in my life I knew that the outlook was not good but I was hoping that it would do the trick. Over the last couple of weeks she has gotten her chemo, but it was not easy for her and her treatments would get postponed. Over the last week she became very weak and was brought into the hospital for further testing. It was determined yesterday that the cancer has actually grown & they have decided to stop treatment. Today she is being flown by private jet back to MI where she will be entering hospice care. Many a childhood memory of going over to Aunt Alma & Uncle Rog’s house…going up to their cabin and being together. I am still trying to process everything, but it has brought up some strange emotions in me. As my parent’s age I become more and more a...

Well we are back..vacation is now over. Time for laundry & coming back to reality now. I would say at least we have the weekend to relax but tomorrow night we have a hockey game and Sunday we have to travel to Chicago for a hockey game. Ugh..then it's really back to reality. So here are my thoughts on Vegas. Vegas at nighttime is breathtaking, it's just an amazing display of lights & things going on it's unreal. Daytime on the strip is very trashy & disgusting. The gauntlet of people pushing the porn cards, the aggressive timeshare people & homeless just make this town nasty. I describe Vegas as an adult spring break...it is all about drinking and women. To be honest, my first time will be my last. There is not one thing that I can say I need to go back and see again, or to do. I had fun but I am glad I didn't hardly spend any of my money down there. We had enough coupons to gamble with their money & eat for free that this was probably the cheapes...

Almost 2 years ago I made a promise. I promised my mother-in-law that I would make sure that Loni was able to travel and see all the things that Deb had wanted to but never did herself. In 5 days I will be able to start living up to that promise with our trip to Las Vegas. We will follow that up with going down to Texas for the holidays and our cruise to Alaska the first part of 2012. We are at a point now that sometimes we can talk about Deb and we can laugh about something that she would have loved to hear, or a memory she would have loved to relive. It’s hard to believe that it’s been 2 years already – here is something that I read to Deb during the time that I shared when she was in the hospital – no one else was in the room, it was “my time” with Deb: I don’t know if it’s true that people can still hear in this situation, I don’t know if your brain is still processing what is happening all around you, if you know that we are here. I do know what I have seen, I know based on my t...

I am a little pissed at myself...I put trust in someone..as a friend and I get shit on and completely disrespected. I want to tell this person that, I understand why you are upset, but you treated me, your friend, like crap. Do you care? Have you bothered to think of how you treated me at all? After all the times that I made sure I had your back, that I stood up for you and fought for you this is what I get in return? I am pissed that I put myself out there again. I am pissed that I extend a hand in friendship to be run all over. I don't need people that want to do this in my life, that makes me very sad but I cannot have it. I cannot have this digging and passive aggressiveness. I won't have it around me. New Year, New Chance, No More Crap!

So it's a new year, a new beginning, a chance to say "I won't do this anymore" or "I think I will try that." It is once again our opportunity to make some silly resolutions only to break them again by Valentines Day. In a couple of weeks we will be going on our first vacation in 10 years..Vegas here we come baby! Planning the Alaska cruise now as well - all within a budget and trips saved for and paid for before taking. It's an amazing feeling! Work is going good..they have me on some management track or something. Which is to say that they think I have the potential for supervisor some day. No shit. I am considering going back to get my masters in Public Administration. This could open up doors at state or federal level jobs at some point. The program at my school has a competitive Fellow program that I am quite interested in as well. Overall I think it would be challenging, a pain in the ass and expensive...all the reasons I should do it! But I a...