Half-Pint

Some days I wish I could dig a whole and just crawl inside....

Really missing family today. We didn't go anywhere at all just stayed home. Felt somewhat lonley, felt kinda sad. We need to create our own traditions here but it's just tough right now. Here's to hoping the holidays go quickly.

What can I say about Thanksgiving day? This has, hands down, been one of my all- time favorite holiday’s my entire life. Over the last few years this has been more of a difficult one though being away from my family. I come from a pretty large family when you get down to counting the actual numbers. Both of my parents had a slew of brothers and sisters who also had 4-5 kids of their own and so on for the rest of them. As far back as I can remember on Wednesday night we would pack up the car once dad got home from work and drive out to Holland for his side of the family. Along the road there was always this little hill in the middle of the highway and knowing how this was what I loved my dad would floor it as we got to this hill so you could get that stomach dropping feeling. All night we would sit with his side of the family, doing our Christmas as well at the same time, playing with my cousins, cuddling up to my Grandfather and listening to my aunts gossip. We would get home pretty la...

So yesterday I went on some little tirade about a few things, so here are some more thoughts today. Lot's of recent changes to guidelines for women. Changing when we should have a routine mammograms, and then today it's announced about changing the pap smears. Now, I am not a big doctor person, I don't like to go. Actually haven't been there for 3 years now that I think about it,however, I don't think it's smart to start changing these guidelines. I read today on CNN that out of every 1,000 women ages 40-49 that get their mamo 2 will be diagnosed with breast cancer. I know in this day and age money seems to run everything, but I bet if you ask those 2 women if this was important to have done they would agree it is. These days women are finding cancers on their own in their twenty's..but wait, we're not supposed to do those pesky BSE's or breast self exams. After all, it's better that the Dr. we see every what 3 years feel around to see if they ca...

So in the spirit of being irritated with people these days let me just run down just a few of the pet peeves that drive me up the wall. Smokers that stand IN FRONT OF THE DOOR. Okay, I know I am in a northern climate so it's cold sometimes. But seriously, I do no appreciate walking in and out of hockey with smokers standing at the door working on their lung cancer. And of course when I am walking into a store or out to eat and I have to walk through the puff of toxic air..thanks people. I find this extremely rude and just disgusting. Before I place all of the blame on these individuals that are just as content to share their cancerous activities with the rest of us, I should look to the establishment that places the smoking receptacles directly IN FRONT OF THE DOOR!! You people should be ashamed that the first experience someone has with your location is this. But again, this state does not have any limits on how far these bins need to be from a door. Shame on you Wisconsin! Okay I...

The word fail is defined as: 1. To fall short of success or achievement in something expected, attempted, desired, or approved. 2. To be or become deficient or lacking; be insufficient or absent; fall short 3. To lose strength or vigor; become weak Well that sort of sums it up. I prefer to think of my weekend in terms of #1. I know that in order to succeed sometimes we must fail, but it really sucks. Especially when you put a lot of work into it and prepare for so long to accomplish something, falling short just isn’t acceptable. People that know me know that I am competitive and I don’t like doing something if I am not good at it. This is probably why I hated piano so much, never continued in soccer and have not downhill skied since I was 21. Running is not my strongest skill, sure I can sprint from here fast – even if I haven’t done it in a while I am sure I am still pretty quick. But any distance to the run and I struggle, which is why I have been getting up at 515 in the morning to...

So after an embarrassing loss to the Milwaukee team it was time for the party. Seemed like a decent enough time but we are just not party people so we didn’t stay too long. Long enough to see people were getting drunk and loud which is our clue to take off. Ended up home around 1030 or something. Such party poopers. Sunday we caught the UW Women’s hockey game in an awesome, awesome performance by the team. They are starting to come together nicely – which does take time when you have a new group working together. But it’s nice to take a team like that and see that they can struggle, they can have issues but you know they are working their butts off during the week to bring it all together. Having been a student-athlete I know how much sacrifice goes into those games. You have to give up a certain part of the “college experience” to focus on your sport. Granted the payoff is traveling to other locations and getting certain perks by being an athlete, but it’s tough. Sunday night we had o...

Running…I really hate running… but every morning my alarm clock rings at 515 so I can drag myself to the basement and hop on the treadmill. The only company I have each day is my cat who slinks around chasing his spiders or other creatures of the basement that I would prefer not to think about. My motivation is the PT test for the PD coming up in just 20 days, the Ironman in 3 years, the fact that I USED to be able to run much faster/farther, and perhaps a little to prove to Loni that I CAN do it like I said I would. I refuse to let something like a run stand between what I want to do and what I can do. I will be honest; I am terrified by this test. The last time I did a PT test for a PD was when I was 23 years old. I was in tip top shape; I had everything going for me. I didn’t realize then just how bad I wanted it – I know you need to get to a point to recognize this but dammit why wasn’t I paying attention?! When I am running I think about all my friends that are currently officers,...

Last night I had a dream…actually it was a nightmare. In my dream my father died, and just like many dreams it felt real, gut-wrenching, and full of every emotion that I would expect if this truly did happen. In fact when I woke up it took me a little while to realize that this didn’t happen. On the way to work I had to actually call him just to make sure he was okay and everything was fine. But in reality this is something that terrifies me, I am always afraid of this phone call. My father is not getting any younger, at 73 is he a really active guy, seems quite healthy and things appear to be going quite well. But on the other hand he IS 73, has had a quadruple bypass almost 4 years ago now and is really starting to slow down. I think I worry because they are in MI for part of the year and Florida so if something were to happen they are not close by. Also I worry if they need more longer/skilled care how will I manage living at the closest point 5 hours away. I know that these are nat...

So it's the change of the season, it's the flu season, it's everything season right now and I think I am coming down with something. I actually stayed home from work today because of this but we'll have to see how that goes. Of course this always happens during hockey season... Speaking of hockey (that was such a great transition don't you think?) Both leagues are now underway. I got my team assignment today for MGHA and it looks as though I am on blue this year, what a change to the last 2 years always having a reddish color. Anyway, I have a decent team that gives a lot of feedback so I am pretty excited about that. My other league the Sun Prairie Rage got going last wed and we actually have our first 2 games this coming weekend. Feels like I was just on the ice with my team but that is what hockey is all about. I am also back into the swing of things again with the UW Women's Hockey team, they had their first series this past weekend and spit with 1 win a pie...

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So as you may have noticed, I have changed the name of my blog…my old title is just old and doesn’t really fit anymore as I am no longer up at midnight to have dreams or aspirations (unless it's behind my eyelids) :O) Half-Pint is just a more fitting name. Things have been crazy in the week since Loni’s return home. In between our trips to Chicago, her getting sick and hockey season beginning we have begun to eat healthier & pay more attention to being active. Yesterday I made a purchase, originally intended to be a Christmas gift, but hey why not NOW. Anyway, I got Nike + shoes & a sports band. The purpose of this is to help me be a little more accurate in my training so I can achieve my goals. With the pt test for the police department just over 1 month away I need to buckle down and get running. Although having hockey 2 nights per week is great, it’s just not running which I am not good at and need some motivation to do. Okay so I was able to find the shoes on sale 69.99...

Cover of Dear Mr. President Hard to see all of those things listed together and have a smile come to my face. This weekend we celebrated our 9 year anniversary which itself is an awesome thing. We chose to see a Pink concert in Chicago and visit the Harry Potter exhibit at Museum of Science & Industry at the same time. Might sound kind of lame but this was the first time we have gone away from the boys, overnight, together. We have not taken a vacation in almost 9 years so this was a huge thing for us. 1 night might not seem like a lot but it was a big thing in our house. Anyway, we met some friends at the exhibit and it really was a good time - had some lunch and made our way over to the hotel to freshen up before the concert. Oh did I mention that Loni had the flu? Slight complication that would change our trip slightly but we dealt with it. We met our friend Karen at her hotel and rode together to the concert. WHAT AN AMAZING SHOW - from the moment she took the stage to the mome...

I spent today watching and cheering on the athletes during the Ironman WI. I was down there almost the entire day with 2 short trips home to let the dogs out. For those that don't know, the Ironman consists of 2.4mile swim, 112 mile bike, and 26.2 mile run. The event started at 7am and ends at midnight. When I was watching the swimmers coming out from stage 1 it was something I found quite emotional. It was strange to have such a reaction to an event I have never had a tie to until today. This moment, right now. I remember being a kid and watching Ironman in Kona mesmerized by these people, I remember saying - I would love to do that someday. Flash forward to today, I was there to cheer on a friend, cheer on some random people and enjoy a great day. 3 years ago another friend of mine completed the Ironman and I look at that tattoo on her leg and think - I wonder if I ever could. So of course at some point during those first 3 hours I was going to add this to my life to-do list. I ...

ugh is my new favorite word, it apply's to just about everything these days. I have been betrayed by someone I thought wouldn't ever do that because they felt the same way. Apparently I was wrong on this. So now I am not only uncomfortable, but terrified because of the repercussions this can have. This hurts, it smarts, and just again reminds me of why I don't trust people. I can't, it get's me in trouble. I can only rely on me and small group of select people. When is the last time you were betrayed? Did it hurt worse because it was someone you thought you could trust? Why can't things just go okay? Why can't they just flow along like normal people do? Why is everything a fight?

It's been a while since Act 7 but I figured I need to update with a few stories, it was another amazing journey for me, filled with laughter, tears and crazy stories. Here is a short list of some of the things that happened: Jenn: Is that a tree? DJ: o it’s a stick farm (I blame lack of oxygen) Bee Sting - on the first day,within the first 10 miles actually Falling off a cliff- don't ask Going to the All-you-could-ever-need gas station for food with DJ, Cal & Loni DJ eating leftover fried chicken while riding on century day Michelle’s undercarriage - funniest quote about how riding can hurt Meow at the cow- yeah I totally forgot the MOOO part The 10 bugs I ate as nutrition - no kidding, they helped! Great ride again!!

Last week I went home, for what I believe was my 4th trip since moving out to WI. The reason for the trip was twofold, 1. after Loni’s mom died she really felt that I should go spend more time with my father. 2. An old friend was coming to town from NJ and we have not seen each other in over 10 years so it was a great chance to catch up. I really don’t think that the trip could have gone any better than it did. Thursday I arrived just after lunch (to a nice veggie sub by the way) and we were able to sit around, eat some yummy black cherries and then left for Grand Rapids to the Whitecaps game. My dad and I had a chance to chat the entire time, to reminisce about his days playing ball in the Army, how Grandpa would have never let him play pro (since they play on Sundays) and how much my dad was starting to say things just like his dad did. It was the best part of the trip was sitting there for that ball game, chatting over a couple of beers. Friday was a nice slow start to the morning, ...

I don't usually like to vent away but I am irritated, exhausted and just all-around grr this morning so I am going to vent. I was up until about 3am today, why you might ask? Oh because Loni was out with her sister until just after 2am. I guess for the most part I don't care, that's not the point. Initally it was Loni leaving at 830 to go out for a drink or two where Jess had dinner, so I thought hour or two tops she would be home. So imagine my surprise when 2 hours later I find out that they are going to an additional location, a strip club no less, all I asked was not to be out too late since I need to be up at 630 and don't drink too much and drive. Since the dogs don't like it when we are not both home they start to bark at every sound they hear thinking the other person is home. So they had been doing this for a few hours making it impossible for me to get any sleep. At 1am I finally messaged asking if it was going to be much longer since I was not getting any...

Well that's how it was the last couple of nights. We were looking at pictures of you the last few nights, some made us laugh, many made us cry. Mostly we still remembered that we really miss you. And with the impending visit this weekend we know that a part of you will be coming home to stay with us. When I went into the basement yesterday I noticed that your coat, jeans, shirt & shoes are still in the bag from the hospital, we don't know what to do with them. It's like you will be coming back in a little bit to pick them up. I wonder if you know how much we think about you, or talk about you or wonder if you are watching us. So, this weekend we will take a lot of pictures, I am sure we will have some laughs, but for each of us, we will notice you are not here. We will miss your laughter, in that way that was so distinctive. I will shoot a lot of pictures because now I realize just how important that is. And when I go home in 2 weeks I will take some more of my family, ...

Image by dhammza via Flickr The shit just seems to continue to rain down on us. It has not stopped since March, and every time I think we are starting to have a turnaround here comes something else. I haven't posted anything in a while not because I don't have anything to say but because I just don't know how to put my feelings out there. I feel like I am having to hold it all together for us, to keep us both looking forward, to keep trying to motivated. But I am tired. I am worn down. We just need things to start going good for us, not against us. I just need to find the strength to keep my head up, to know it's not me that she is upset with, it's what is going on and I happen to be close by. In just a few weeks I will jump back on the bike for the Act ride, I haven't trained at all. There has just been too much going on. 4 days to be out there again...away for a while...each mile alone...sometimes that's a great thing. Even when you are riding 300 miles.