Half-Pint

Running…I really hate running… but every morning my alarm clock rings at 515 so I can drag myself to the basement and hop on the treadmill. The only company I have each day is my cat who slinks around chasing his spiders or other creatures of the basement that I would prefer not to think about. My motivation is the PT test for the PD coming up in just 20 days, the Ironman in 3 years, the fact that I USED to be able to run much faster/farther, and perhaps a little to prove to Loni that I CAN do it like I said I would. I refuse to let something like a run stand between what I want to do and what I can do. I will be honest; I am terrified by this test. The last time I did a PT test for a PD was when I was 23 years old. I was in tip top shape; I had everything going for me. I didn’t realize then just how bad I wanted it – I know you need to get to a point to recognize this but dammit why wasn’t I paying attention?! When I am running I think about all my friends that are currently officers,...

Last night I had a dream…actually it was a nightmare. In my dream my father died, and just like many dreams it felt real, gut-wrenching, and full of every emotion that I would expect if this truly did happen. In fact when I woke up it took me a little while to realize that this didn’t happen. On the way to work I had to actually call him just to make sure he was okay and everything was fine. But in reality this is something that terrifies me, I am always afraid of this phone call. My father is not getting any younger, at 73 is he a really active guy, seems quite healthy and things appear to be going quite well. But on the other hand he IS 73, has had a quadruple bypass almost 4 years ago now and is really starting to slow down. I think I worry because they are in MI for part of the year and Florida so if something were to happen they are not close by. Also I worry if they need more longer/skilled care how will I manage living at the closest point 5 hours away. I know that these are nat...

So it's the change of the season, it's the flu season, it's everything season right now and I think I am coming down with something. I actually stayed home from work today because of this but we'll have to see how that goes. Of course this always happens during hockey season... Speaking of hockey (that was such a great transition don't you think?) Both leagues are now underway. I got my team assignment today for MGHA and it looks as though I am on blue this year, what a change to the last 2 years always having a reddish color. Anyway, I have a decent team that gives a lot of feedback so I am pretty excited about that. My other league the Sun Prairie Rage got going last wed and we actually have our first 2 games this coming weekend. Feels like I was just on the ice with my team but that is what hockey is all about. I am also back into the swing of things again with the UW Women's Hockey team, they had their first series this past weekend and spit with 1 win a pie...

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So as you may have noticed, I have changed the name of my blog…my old title is just old and doesn’t really fit anymore as I am no longer up at midnight to have dreams or aspirations (unless it's behind my eyelids) :O) Half-Pint is just a more fitting name. Things have been crazy in the week since Loni’s return home. In between our trips to Chicago, her getting sick and hockey season beginning we have begun to eat healthier & pay more attention to being active. Yesterday I made a purchase, originally intended to be a Christmas gift, but hey why not NOW. Anyway, I got Nike + shoes & a sports band. The purpose of this is to help me be a little more accurate in my training so I can achieve my goals. With the pt test for the police department just over 1 month away I need to buckle down and get running. Although having hockey 2 nights per week is great, it’s just not running which I am not good at and need some motivation to do. Okay so I was able to find the shoes on sale 69.99...

Cover of Dear Mr. President Hard to see all of those things listed together and have a smile come to my face. This weekend we celebrated our 9 year anniversary which itself is an awesome thing. We chose to see a Pink concert in Chicago and visit the Harry Potter exhibit at Museum of Science & Industry at the same time. Might sound kind of lame but this was the first time we have gone away from the boys, overnight, together. We have not taken a vacation in almost 9 years so this was a huge thing for us. 1 night might not seem like a lot but it was a big thing in our house. Anyway, we met some friends at the exhibit and it really was a good time - had some lunch and made our way over to the hotel to freshen up before the concert. Oh did I mention that Loni had the flu? Slight complication that would change our trip slightly but we dealt with it. We met our friend Karen at her hotel and rode together to the concert. WHAT AN AMAZING SHOW - from the moment she took the stage to the mome...

I spent today watching and cheering on the athletes during the Ironman WI. I was down there almost the entire day with 2 short trips home to let the dogs out. For those that don't know, the Ironman consists of 2.4mile swim, 112 mile bike, and 26.2 mile run. The event started at 7am and ends at midnight. When I was watching the swimmers coming out from stage 1 it was something I found quite emotional. It was strange to have such a reaction to an event I have never had a tie to until today. This moment, right now. I remember being a kid and watching Ironman in Kona mesmerized by these people, I remember saying - I would love to do that someday. Flash forward to today, I was there to cheer on a friend, cheer on some random people and enjoy a great day. 3 years ago another friend of mine completed the Ironman and I look at that tattoo on her leg and think - I wonder if I ever could. So of course at some point during those first 3 hours I was going to add this to my life to-do list. I ...

ugh is my new favorite word, it apply's to just about everything these days. I have been betrayed by someone I thought wouldn't ever do that because they felt the same way. Apparently I was wrong on this. So now I am not only uncomfortable, but terrified because of the repercussions this can have. This hurts, it smarts, and just again reminds me of why I don't trust people. I can't, it get's me in trouble. I can only rely on me and small group of select people. When is the last time you were betrayed? Did it hurt worse because it was someone you thought you could trust? Why can't things just go okay? Why can't they just flow along like normal people do? Why is everything a fight?

It's been a while since Act 7 but I figured I need to update with a few stories, it was another amazing journey for me, filled with laughter, tears and crazy stories. Here is a short list of some of the things that happened: Jenn: Is that a tree? DJ: o it’s a stick farm (I blame lack of oxygen) Bee Sting - on the first day,within the first 10 miles actually Falling off a cliff- don't ask Going to the All-you-could-ever-need gas station for food with DJ, Cal & Loni DJ eating leftover fried chicken while riding on century day Michelle’s undercarriage - funniest quote about how riding can hurt Meow at the cow- yeah I totally forgot the MOOO part The 10 bugs I ate as nutrition - no kidding, they helped! Great ride again!!

Last week I went home, for what I believe was my 4th trip since moving out to WI. The reason for the trip was twofold, 1. after Loni’s mom died she really felt that I should go spend more time with my father. 2. An old friend was coming to town from NJ and we have not seen each other in over 10 years so it was a great chance to catch up. I really don’t think that the trip could have gone any better than it did. Thursday I arrived just after lunch (to a nice veggie sub by the way) and we were able to sit around, eat some yummy black cherries and then left for Grand Rapids to the Whitecaps game. My dad and I had a chance to chat the entire time, to reminisce about his days playing ball in the Army, how Grandpa would have never let him play pro (since they play on Sundays) and how much my dad was starting to say things just like his dad did. It was the best part of the trip was sitting there for that ball game, chatting over a couple of beers. Friday was a nice slow start to the morning, ...

I don't usually like to vent away but I am irritated, exhausted and just all-around grr this morning so I am going to vent. I was up until about 3am today, why you might ask? Oh because Loni was out with her sister until just after 2am. I guess for the most part I don't care, that's not the point. Initally it was Loni leaving at 830 to go out for a drink or two where Jess had dinner, so I thought hour or two tops she would be home. So imagine my surprise when 2 hours later I find out that they are going to an additional location, a strip club no less, all I asked was not to be out too late since I need to be up at 630 and don't drink too much and drive. Since the dogs don't like it when we are not both home they start to bark at every sound they hear thinking the other person is home. So they had been doing this for a few hours making it impossible for me to get any sleep. At 1am I finally messaged asking if it was going to be much longer since I was not getting any...

Well that's how it was the last couple of nights. We were looking at pictures of you the last few nights, some made us laugh, many made us cry. Mostly we still remembered that we really miss you. And with the impending visit this weekend we know that a part of you will be coming home to stay with us. When I went into the basement yesterday I noticed that your coat, jeans, shirt & shoes are still in the bag from the hospital, we don't know what to do with them. It's like you will be coming back in a little bit to pick them up. I wonder if you know how much we think about you, or talk about you or wonder if you are watching us. So, this weekend we will take a lot of pictures, I am sure we will have some laughs, but for each of us, we will notice you are not here. We will miss your laughter, in that way that was so distinctive. I will shoot a lot of pictures because now I realize just how important that is. And when I go home in 2 weeks I will take some more of my family, ...

Image by dhammza via Flickr The shit just seems to continue to rain down on us. It has not stopped since March, and every time I think we are starting to have a turnaround here comes something else. I haven't posted anything in a while not because I don't have anything to say but because I just don't know how to put my feelings out there. I feel like I am having to hold it all together for us, to keep us both looking forward, to keep trying to motivated. But I am tired. I am worn down. We just need things to start going good for us, not against us. I just need to find the strength to keep my head up, to know it's not me that she is upset with, it's what is going on and I happen to be close by. In just a few weeks I will jump back on the bike for the Act ride, I haven't trained at all. There has just been too much going on. 4 days to be out there again...away for a while...each mile alone...sometimes that's a great thing. Even when you are riding 300 miles.

I can't believe it's been almost 3 months since Loni's mom died. To be honest it still doesn't seem real. I keep waiting for her to call, and sometimes when we do something ridiculous I can still hear her laugh - that smoky chuckle that she had. Yesterday a friend of hers had to take her mom into the hospital, we call her mom La. Anyway, La ended up in ICU, intubated, mild heart attack and pneumonia. Reading Nancy's posts yesterday made everything that we went through with mom seem like it was yesterday...just too similar. The big difference is that she got to talk to her La and it looks like she might get out in the next day or so. This is awesome news..and it also makes me sad. Why didn't we get that chance? Why couldn't we talk to her? This is how life is supposed to be, the ups and downs, sorrow and joy. It's just hard, and it feels like yesterday.

So today Loni lost her job, "due to the economy" in a budget cut sweep they say. Great. Fabulous. Wonderful. Of course the first things that go through my mind are 1. How will we pay the mortgage 2. No more health insurance (damn my job for not having domestic partner benefits) 3. How will we pay the mortgage 4. Will we have to give up hockey? 5. Damn her work for doing this 6. Damn, Damn, Damn 7. Shit, Shit, Shit 8. What do we do? So, now that we have all that out, we are taking it in stride. She has 1 months worth of pay, some really good legal connections and there is always unemployment. So they say bad things come in threes... 1. Grandpa died in Sept. 2. Mom died in March 3. Loni loses job in June. Okay universe, we have taken the 3 hits, can we please, please, get something to start going in our favor? I know things happen for a reason, I know this means something, I know I should see the sign. I'm looking!

Do you believe in signs? Messages or directions sent to you buy “someone” that lead you in the direction you are supposed to go? Funny litany of events has happened over the past couple of days that has me thinking someone is trying to tell me something. Friday I hit my threshold of what I could tolerate at the moment and was feeling really down about my life, well my job rather. I spent the majority of my day relaying this information to 2 people that I trust, one that seems to “get” me and really does understand how I “tick” and the other that has known me over 25 years. Just seeking some advice, some counsel, something to say yes you can, or you’re an idiot…something. What kind of sparked this was a feeling that I am just unsatisfied with what I do for a living, still questioning my desire to be a police officer. It’s been a nagging thing in the pit of my stomach for months; well if I am honest it’s been years. I play softball with almost an entire team of cops as well, which has ha...

So I am on my lunch right now and although I would prefer to be reading I have too many thoughts to get out of my head. First and probably the most ridiculous is my elbow. It’s been so bad recently (meaning the last 6 months or so) and I finally broke down and set up an appointment with my dr. to take a look at it. What that means I have no clue, but I can’t stand it, it consumes my every waking moment, I just can’t tolerate it anymore – I give up! Work is frustrating – I know, I know, what else is new with me. I just get so bored & I don’t like repetition all that much. Not to mention the evaluation of what I do, don’t get me wrong, I think evaluation is important and necessary. But when it’s not done in a constructive and supportive way it’s worthless to me. Some of this might also stem from the fact that we have been hanging out with a couple recently that we really enjoy. Both are upbeat & active & just as crazy as we are and it’s such an easy friendship without stupid...

I just don’t know what I need to say anymore to help you understand. How every time you berate me on this topic it really hurts me, simply because it does mean a lot to me. Every comment, every snide remark just makes the cut a little deeper. I try to make sure that I do not spend too much time away that I am not involved in too much. I try to make sure that you understand my priority is with you. But I believe in certain thing, I believe in what I am doing. Can’t you understand that? Don’t you see that even though it takes me away from you I feel better for it? You tell me you want me to be able to have “my time” yet it seems like that is only when it is convenient for you. When it doesn’t interfere with something you want. As long as you are working, or as long as you have other plans then it is okay. Sadly, when I try to tell you that it is more than just a “meeting” you just dismiss that and tell me it’s stupid. It hurts. Makes me feel like what I am doing, how hard I am working to...

Restless Bored Listless Frustrated Irritated Ugh, that is how I sum everything up these days. I am losing my interest in many things, well mainly where I work right now. I just get bored to easily, it’s sad really. I have a good job, but I am growing bored with it, with the monotonous functions. Granted, I get to talk to people for a living and not many people get to say that. I just get bored when I do the same thing over and over. That’s why I like working for companies that offer me the ability to learn new things, or move around a little more. I don’t know, just irritating. Sick of people not keeping their commitments, sick of people that are disrespectful to others. I am sick of people referring to others like they are a possession. Perhaps I just need a break from certain people in my life, a chance to re-evaluate why certain people are in my life. Be a little bit more picky to who I allow around me to surround me with their baggage and issues. We all carry around our own “stuff”...

So it’s been a while since I have posted on here. Not that I don’t have anything to share, but I think that my thoughts are having a mind of their own these days. The last month has been difficult, it has been emotional, it has been trying, it has brought me closer to those that I care about, it has changed my perspectives. Last week Thursday I loaded up the truck, packed in 2 teammates and drove out to Toronto Canada. We played 4 games from Friday night to Sunday morning and then made the trip back to Madison. We had a great time, we played a lot of hockey which always equals a great time in my book. Toronto was a wonderful city, there was always something to look at and watch. Even going out to dinner was a wonderful experience. This weekend was much needed in my book, after the month I have had I just needed to get away, to be in a new environment and see something new. The only thing that was really missing was Loni. Granted we didn’t know in January when I was getting my passport...