Half-Pint

Well graduation is just around the corner...1 month 15 days I think we are at now...not that I am counting by the way. And today I found out that I will be graduating with honors, that is a huge thing for me since I have not gotten grades to be proud of since birth I think!! Oh what a day...and the birds were singing this morning, it's gonna be a great week!

So I have been doing a lot of thinking latley..not about anything specific just general things. Am I happy, am I doing what I love, am I where I am supposed to be in life...overall I am just sort of blah these days, not feelin the love if you know what I mean. I just overall feel somewhat unwanted or needed. Maybe it's the school thing, with being busy with that and not having our priorities straight so to speak. I just don't feel loved anymore, like I just exsist but not as a part of us anymore...I don't know, maybe I am just sleep deprived or low on oxygen or something, that is just how I feel these days.

So yesterday it rained, so I couldn't jump on the bike...well today it rained too. And I am not talking small dribble I am talking white-out, painful pelting of rain that NO ONE would want to ride in. I must admit, after my ride the other night my butt was oh so thankful for that rain! Today I looked at a web page that had pictures from the ride though, talk about motivation. I am amazed that every picture has someone smiling! The entire ride!! They actualy look like they are enjoying themselves. I am getting excited to start my fundraising..won't be long and I can register and have my rider #

Well today it all begins..the long but well worthwhile adventure of blood,sweat and I am sure some tears. My goal, taking part in the Act 5 ride for Aids. I have just under 1 year to prepare for this event that will "be long, it will be hard. It will be fun. And, it may very well be the best days of your life." I suppose I should also some up with some crafty words of why I am choosing to do this, or what propells me on my mission but frankly, I just want to. I just want to be a part of something bigger than myself. So, here is where I will put it all down, here is where I will journal my feelings, my thoughts...my fears (wow there are so many!) Things I know right now...I am scared to death about how this will work...300-350 miles??!! in 4 days??!! And how in the world will I come up with the minnimum amount of money I am supposed to raise? I suppose here is where I must have faith, trust, and hope in people. People that can give to someone else for a worthy cause... So, he...

I cannot imagine my world without my boo, my bubba, my partner in life strange thoughts sometimes grip me late at night what if something happened? what if this beautiful soul was ripped away from me? working in the hustle and bustle of a busy hospital has taught me to take nothing for granted take every sunrise in like it is the last every day i see someone new that 'beat it' or that is going to find out some horrible diagnosis I am the first one to know I am the one that helps the doctor find out I am the one that wonders who is this person on the other side of this number this diagnosis I think about the young mothers or the ones that havent had a chance for that yet I think about the grandfathers and all the daddy's I cry for the children I always wonder about their families Are they strong enough? Can they wrap their arms around their loved one and hang on tight Some days I come home to my boo and just need to cuddle up tight I sigh into that spot on her chest the one ...

scraped knees sack lunches creek walkin in old shoes and socks catchin crawfish playin with frogs beat the sun up and stay out till you hear your moms voice callin through the woods up to the fort it took you days to build tree climbing imagination working overtime carving your name into the tree with daddy's pocketknife running wild through corn fields scared out of your mind because you just saw children of the corn daring someone to touch the electric fence all the summers at the campground where bugs were cool the best of friends on the planet sitting with mark in the field at night watching the stars shine and chewing a weed waiting for the hayride at night on that old tractor with the old man driving sometimes he would let us steer it it was so simple back then not having to worry being able to trust anyone didn't have to play just in the front yard or in sight of a parent we were free to run and play be kids carefree i wanted to be gi joe or wonder woman or a secret spy ...

only happens once a year mine friday will be 29 years 10,585 days ago i was born a brave terrified woman all alone she gave it all she could she tried to keep me she couldn't she had courage the kind of courage that makes you drive to another town with your baby girl in your arms and hand her over to a complete stranger i imagine her resolve with tears streaming down her cheeks saying i don't know how to do this anymore i want the best for her my baby girl but the best in not me no now so she gave me up in the greatest act of courage selflessness & love a mother can make then she drove away alone sad but a silent resolve that she did the right thing 29 years later does she think of me doe she hear someone laugh see a smile wonder if it's me if i saw you today courageous woman i would say thank you thank you for giving me love life hope all you could thank you for letting me go so friday might be my birthday but i will think of you i hope you know how special you are cou...

Happy Easter worked all night so tired i could drop going to rest and relax think about the kids with their baskets full of goodies smiles sun memories

Religion was such an important of my life growing up... church sunday school choir christian school chapel bible camp profession of faith. I have been told I will go to hell I am not going to be allowed into heaven I am not welcome I am not accepted into the church that I have belonged to my entire life!! I haven't been able to go to church or think about church in 6 years because I have felt that they were right...they MUST be right. But then I realized... I am here for a reason I am here for a purpose I am somebody too I love I feel I believe Finally someone else does too.... www.faithinamerica.com visit them support them..they see the light for what it is We are all human beings, created for a purpose, created for a reason... what is your purpose~have you lived the life you were meant to live..or the one you thought they wanted you too... I made a decision I will make a stand I will be me.

What an amazing gift P!nk has given us today...how powerful is her talent and the courage to use it!! My Favorite song?! Dear Mr President... "What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away? And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay?" WOW...thank you for saying it... I must admit a tear did come to my eyes when I heard that... I thought of a lot of friends, myself, many people to whom those words are our life story, we have lived that! What is happening here? Where is this country going? The country I served, was willing to give my life for, now in the hands of someone that would rather see me shamed, no rights and treated like less than 3rd rate citizens. Did we go through this before? Didn't we have the civil rights movement already? But did we ever really move anything? Or do we just want to appear that way?

Driving to work today I saw a little girl, you know the one, yellow dress..knee high white socks, skipping down the sidewalk with mom close behind. I couldn't help think it but I wonder what the world will be like for you? I wonder if you will have the same luxaries I have now...will it be more difficult? What can I do to help, how can I make sure that you know all the oppertunities that are out there for you as a woman in training?! Have I done enough? Did I pave a way for you? Or did I quietly go on my way each day..thinking to myself.. well someone else might do it?!

How can a person say I love you or you are always welcome here...yet because there are two of you the emphasis is on YOU. Meaning that person, that special person in your life is not welcome. Here is to 5 years of trying to be the good daughter, trying to be the good partner being torn in two every time my two worlds come together. Everyone says give them time, how much longer do they need?? My dad had a quad bypass 2 months ago, i thought that would have "shook him up" maybe he would see me, ALL OF ME, not the just the pieces that he wants to see. I am welcome home anytime, I am loved, what about my partner? what about the love in my life? She has her own family they say, that is if they refer to her at all... how sad, how wrong, to never really know your child, never understand the person that makes them laugh, or be there when they have something important happening in their life because you made your choice. It's a 'lifestyle' they don't agree with, a ch...

Why am I always the last one to figure out what other people already know?! Why can I help multiple people with their life issues yet my own world is a complete whirlwind! I have a lovely night job so I have a TON of time to sit and think...and that then impacts you folks that are reading. So I will attempt to sort out my own world, keep my relationship with my partner a priority and figure our lives out together. I am sure I will mention parents from time to time...parents that were anything but supportive and how you mend that road if you can. I saw her for a little while this morning as she got up for work and now we live such separate lives trying to set priorities, while just getting by hopefully we can figure this out before we die!