Half-Pint

I wish we could just skip from Oct to January and miss all those holidays in-between. Growing up my favorite holiday of all was Thanksgiving. It was so much fun to head out to Grandma's house for the day and then roller skating at night. But over the last few years the holidays have gotten much more difficult. I have not been home for a Thanksgiving since my Grandmother passed away- that was the sweetest memory I have of her, being able to see her and share her favorite holiday as well. For the last few years Loni and I have spent holidays with her family but last year was the first one without her mother. We had an invitation to our friends house for the day, we told them we would be there, but at the last moment Loni just couldn't go..she was very upset and having a hard day. It was the first major holiday without her mom and I understand..we sat at home, by ourselves just doing nothing. So this year a friend of ours has invited us to have Thanksgiving with her and some ...

Time does fly when your having fun. Hockey is in full swing and that has really taken priority of the schedule these days. My team had our first game last weekend which we won 1-0, fantastic game. It was kinda cool to see the plays unfold like they are supposed to, the speed was much faster and the skill was much better than what I have played in the past. Any amount of reservation that I might have had were completely erased that weekend. Just sad that some of my former teammates cannot even have the decency to ask how it is going on the new team. We even went to their first game to support them but got a lot of cold shoulders from them after the game. Oh well - life goes on. No regrets here and I am super excited for the experience to play on another level with a fantastic coach. Things are going well other than that - work is going well. Have been sticking with the running each day, Berbee Derby is right around the corner and I also still want to do the triathlons next summer. I ...

Okay I admit I am somewhat a chicken, afraid of confrontation? Big nod to yes. While on the phone with my dad this morning he had said that they had a big day on Sunday (that’s dad speak for did you remember our anniversary on Sunday?) He even felt it necessary to share that it was 10-10-10, fantastic. Oh yeah, I said? Then like the little devil I am I wrangled the conversation to there was a child born on 10-10-10 at 10:10 and moved onto something different. In my head I was screaming, very loudly too, about why should I celebrate your anniversary when you won’t acknowledge mine? What makes you so special? I wanted to scream that yes I think 41 years is awesome, and I hope to be able to say that some day myself, but I just did and said nothing. They are coming for a visit in 1 month, for the first time I don’t know that I really want them here. Correction, I don’t want her here. But I don’t get to hang out with my father without her. I don’t know how much longer I can keep up th...

So I have yet to address my mothers email... not sure what I am waiting for really. The words have not yet come for what I am truly feeling towards my mother right now. Today is their anniversary, 41 years. Do I call and wish them a happy anniversary? Do I say nothing at all? Do I rise above their actions and be the better person? I think I will split the difference and send a text.

I just can't seem to get the rest of my thoughts out..Here I am unable to let my mind shut off, feeling quite alone in my world tonight. I did sign up for a few running events today, partially because if I don't I will never keep up training. And partially because I feel the need to make some changes in my life. This winter I really want to focus on train for some Triathlons next summer & also for hockey. As much as I hate running..it is actually the one time that I feel like I can climb within myself and forget about what is going on in the world. Just lose myself in the music.

I have a secret… I have carried with me in silence for a long time. In hearing the rash of teenage suicides recently I have been thinking about how it could have been me, I was so close – it could have been me! So…almost 20 years ago I attempted to take my own life. I knew what I was doing...it wasn’t an accidental type of thing. I actually planned it for quite a while. I remember after a 6am swim practice I swallowed a lot of pills that I had stolen from my grandfathers “stash” (he died 6 months previously so no one noticed) and then I went to school. From what I am told, I was acting strange and even walked up to someone and placed my hand on her shoulder and just said “help me” before collapsing. I don’t remember much from that day at all...I remember being in the hospital where they kept asking me if I took anything, which I apparently denied for quite a while. They ended up doing a spinal tap to test what was in my system, trying to counteract what I had taken with a bunch of ...

I am seriously upset & furious right now..on what should be a wonderful end of a wonderful day. Today is me & Loni's 10 year anniversary- pretty big day for anyone. Fun times at work when both Loni & I ended up sending each other a dozen roses thinking we got one up on the other! Then it was opening night of the Badgers Women's Hockey..we got a fantastic win and a fun game. Then I get to come home to this...an email.from my mother: Feeling very uncomfortable with your picture, etc. on Facebook. A lot of my friends and family do not know, well probably should say, didn't know!! Now, I don't know. Should I mention that it is just a picture of my partner & I..and my status today was "Cannot believe it's been 10 years. Thank you Loni for all the laughs, for truly being my soul mate & the one I can always count on to be there. Can't wait for the next 10!!" Okay...at what point do you stop being such a hateful person? At what po...