Half-Pint

Life is Precious

2012-01-08T15:38:00.002-06:00

Life is so precious. The week before Christmas we found out that a good friend of ours & a fellow hockey player was diagnosed with cancer. Apparently she had a hard time breathing and when they did a scan they found some masses on her lungs. Since the diagnosis things have gotten worse and today our hockey team played her team and it was her very last game. We got a lot of our softball team to come watch the game and at the end of the game her team made a circle in the middle of the ice pounding their sticks on the ground while she went around and hugged each one. It was quite something to be included in this moment to watch someone that we thought was in good health struggling to say goodbye. It was one of the most special moments on the ice for me.

We don't know what the future holds for her, we know that she is facing some tough decisions and submitting to treatment. As a group I know that we will surround her with love and shoulders to lean on when she needs it. But it's hard to watch this happen.

Last thing she said to me today as we were leaving the restaurant was that she just wants all of her friends to know she loves them. And with a hug I could see the tears in her eyes. We know my friend, we know. And we love you too.

Never thought

2012-01-05T18:12:00.001-06:00

Never thought I would be the one with the stronger willpower & resolve to stick with the clean eating longer. Hmm maybe you can teach an old dog new tricks!!

New Year!

2011-12-31T15:02:00.001-06:00

Happy New Year! Hope your year is fantastic- check out my journey through change in my life here. It's more of a triathlon/Ironman journey blog as opposed to this one just for other stuff.

Vacation vent

2011-12-27T17:23:00.001-06:00

So we drove down to Houston or shall I say I drove down to Houston for the holidays. This was supposed to be a trip to see my partners family & for me to explore the city to see if I want to move here. Well it's our last day- supposedly OUR day to explore since my SIL had to work but because of odd schedules and some people just not making any effort to leave before 2 pm we never did that. So who the hell knows what the city looks like or what is great about downtown because I sure don't.
And so tomorrow we leave & head over to New Orleans and of course Ian driving so I just ask that we get packed before heading out yet again to the same stinkin place & I was told that if I don't want to go I can just stay here. Well that defeats the purpose of packing the truck tonight. I am sure if I say what time I would really like to leave I will be chewed out as well. I would like to be in the road at 6 or 630 so we can avoid the rush hour & get to NO for lunch. Most likely we will leave hours after that time. Like this morning, I was up by 640 and read a book , had some coffee ect long before anyone else got up. Since we were going to leave early to explore, well by 2pm I gave up and realized that was not happening.
Grr- so far I cannot say I have enjoyed the trip. The drive was exhausting & we have been trapped by my in-laws schedules. I am very frustrated & bummed. I am already debating removing the stop in Memphis just to get home. Sadly I would rather just go home.

Hello-Goodbye

2011-10-31T20:29:00.001-05:00

Have I mentioned that I have been studying a lot recently? This grad school stuff is kickin my ass. I love it and hate it at the same time which is fine I suppose. 
I am enjoying being able to analyze companies and at the same time myself. However it makes me realize just how unhappy I am with my current employment. ugh. 
Okay that was a long enough break- time to get back to the coffee and the homework.
ciao!

All my bags are packed

2011-10-21T20:18:00.001-05:00

Flight is booked for my cruise with my folks in Feb. I will be flying Southwest for the first time which is pretty fun- I have heard such great things about flying with them.
Finally some fun in the sun!

Mixed emotions

2011-10-18T20:18:00.001-05:00

So many things happening today that I am a little overwhelmed with emotions. 
First- my friend Jen's mom is coming out of her coma. 15 days of not responding at all and slowly we are watching her wake up!
Second- An old high school classmate and swimteam member died tragically over the weekend. Such a young guy with 3 little kids. So sad for them and the life that was lost. 
Puts life in perspective. 

On a wing and a prayer

2011-10-04T19:24:00.000-05:00

My best friends mother is in the hospital - on life support- it doesn't look good.
At times like this it is so hard to be far away, not to be there to support her and be there if I can be.
So tonight I just offer up good thoughts, on a wing and a prayer.

Come on Becky- you have grandchildren and a daughter that need you. Hang in there.

It was just a dream

2011-09-28T05:50:00.001-05:00

This morning I woke up crying- literally. In my dream I felt so loved, so cared for, so complete. Not that I do not feel such things in my life but it certainly filled in some gaps. It made me sad for things I don't have, grateful for the ones I do & just general blah. I cannot explain it. This morning I feelmso uncertain of things when I shouldn't be.My weight has really been bothering me, it's inability to come off for one. But my doctor says it's not an issue for me health wise, and I think this makes me feel less attractive, less like I matter. But I hold onto it, subconsciously, because it's all I have.The fog outside right now matches my tears and the fog in my head.

Just us.

2011-09-21T21:08:00.001-05:00

Well I must admit some strong emotion tonight. I got an email from my brother and he is well - he would like me to send a care package which I think would be a great idea. He also added that he wants to do a triathlon with me once he gets back to the States. WOW! I just got all nervous and excited at the same time. Since I have not actually met him yet I don't know if this is true and he would really do it or if this would not be something that happens in our future.

So I am quite touched. To do something like this together...wow.

Almost Forgot!

2011-09-18T15:33:00.001-05:00

My brother that is deployed currently emailed me today. Just to say that he is okay an even though he only had a few moments of time he just wanted to check in.
Yeah!

It's just work and school

2011-09-18T13:04:00.001-05:00

Once again it's been a while since I have posted. I suppose that happens when you start grad school. Wow..can't believe I just said that, I am in grad school. Never in a million years did I think I would be saying that one! All you people that said I would never make it to college- you can suck it!

That being said, I am also going to start my journey to Ironman. Small steps of course, I will begin by doing some triathlons next summer. I started a blog so I can track my journey without boring anyone on this one- you can follow my blog here http://anironjourney.blogspot.com/.
I am sure I will be taking a break from hockey next summer to do that, my first hockey break in about 5 years, but we will see when the time comes.

Anyway, work, school, more school and work that is what I am up to these days. In 2 weeks we head out to Door County for our anniversary weekend. Lucky for us that we have some friends that will watch the furbabies so we can go. Very excited to get away for a bit.

It's fall??!

2011-09-16T20:27:00.001-05:00

Where the hell does time go? I am sitting here writing when I am supposed to be working on homework- go figure. This is the time when thoughts flood my mind and I begin to think about things that I want to blog about. Not that I have all that many things to say but just to get things OUT.

Last weekend was Ironman WI again, ever inspiring weekend filled with yelling, cheering and being inspired by these athletes that push themselves to the limit. This year was fun because I was cheering on friends, quite a few of them this year. A few did not make it, but most of the did. I was there at 6:30am and left at 11pm. As soon as my friend Mindy was done she slugged me in the arm and asked when it was going to be my turn...well not next year but I have decided to begin my iron journey. The Ironman is still in my plan but with grad school in full swing now it will have to be something that I do not focus on now. However the ball has been tossed in my court and I am going to jump on it! Next summer I will be doing my first triathlon, I think it's in July.

Step 1...this winter I will begin the training. I will set up a serrate blog to track this journey, it might be a couple of year, but I will hear my name too!

Grad school, iyeye. I do homework and I go to work. Any questions? It's tough, it's a challenge and I am glad I am doing it. I get a little jealous of people that are not tied to a class or something like this but I know it will be over in a few years. I can do it!

Big Steps

2011-08-15T20:44:00.001-05:00

So we are considering a pretty big move in the next 1-2 years. Nervous and excited..but ready to move on. I have discovered that I have a LOT of people that I know in Madison but not many are true friends or reasons NOT to leave.

Funny that one of the first things that we looked at was if there were hockey teams in the area..and to our surprise there are a few options there so that is exciting!

So big steps coming up for us soon…time to prepare and open up a new chapter.

My prayer

2011-08-12T20:38:00.000-05:00

I am not the religious type, not a praying person. But today my brother left for overseas. He is a young 21 year old Marine & I am scared for him. Please keep him safe, keep him focused & bring him home so I have a chance to get to know him.

If it's not too much trouble please be with my other brother who is leaving to join the military- give him strength to get through it, I know it's hard, but for his new wife & child it will seem an eternity!

Is this a sign?

2011-08-03T16:16:00.001-05:00

So I started a process in another law enforcement job and failed yet again…is this a sign? 

Do I finally hang up that hat once and for all? 

Seems like I have been fighting that for quite a few years now. Getting so close but then I end up failing …am I trying to push for something that was not supposed to be for me?

Do I just accept that sometimes you cannot fight what is supposed to be and trust that my path will show itself to me?

Is this my sign?

Its been a while...

2011-06-24T22:00:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I have written here- life has been crazy! I have a trip home planned for next month, grad school starts in 2 months, work has been... Well that is for another day.

I always end up crying

2011-04-30T14:24:00.001-05:00

I love my parents and I enjoy their visits but usually when there are here I end up crying. I am stuck in between spending time with them and not keeping my partner out of the house. I just can't keep doing this, I am so stressed & I am sick of being in the middle. I just can't keep doing this...

Time to let it go

2011-04-24T20:51:00.000-05:00

Some people just bring drama around way too much. I am at the point that I just need to cut all those people from my life, no time and no room for it all. If you can't live life drama free you need to go somewhere else!

In other words..here is the first picture of me ever taken. I have never seen a picture of myself before the age of 1 so seeing me at 1 day old is something rather strange. But here I am :O)

Here is baby Bobbi Jo

And this is me and Grandma Great!

It's strange...different time, different name..different family.

Sorting it all out

2011-04-16T22:03:00.000-05:00

I am still trying to sort everything out, trying not to push too hard, not to throw myself all in without taking some time to absorb the information.

I am struggling with everything regarding my brother tho. He is young, focused on himself and shows signs on occasion of being interested in me he is not very good at answering my questions or responding back to me. I am trying not to be frustrated, but it's hard. I keep trying to remind myself what it was like at his age and to understand what he must be feeling to just find out about me. I am trying to separate my own feelings from what must be going on with him.

I am also trying not to feel disappointment in all of this. Those dreams I had when I was a kid that this birth family would swoop in and take me away - that they would all be these great people that missed me terribly. And what I found was a lot of struggling and hurting individuals, brothers that didn't know I existed and didn't share the same feelings. All I ever wanted were siblings, I knew it was a big possibility that I would have some because Kathy was young enough to have a family.
I know time will help, and these first steps are slow, and difficult. It just takes time.

Oh and on top of all this- while Deb was here visiting I got my Grad School acceptance letter. So..here we go again!

Overload

2011-04-13T21:25:00.000-05:00

So much information. So many stories, so much learned over the last few weeks. Sounds like a family was shattered almost 34 years ago, and I think the child that shattered them might also be helping them mend those hurts all these years later.

Sill so much to take in...

Thoughts

2011-04-08T19:25:00.000-05:00

So tomorrow is the big day and I admit I am slightly terrified. I have many emotions and I don't know quite what to think yet. Part of me is super excited, nervous and then there is a part that is scared. I don't know what to think.
I seriously thought I was going to have a panic attack today at one point.

Just have to remember to breathe.

So many emotions

2011-04-04T21:30:00.000-05:00

So many emotions have been going through my head. Overwhelmed, sadness, more recently anger. I still don't know how to wrap my head around it. For so many years I dreamed my my "real" family would swoop in and rescue me from my life. Not that I had such a horrible life mind you, but something about knowing someone didn't really mean to let me go...that they made a mistake. And for what? This family that didn't want me? A family I didn't know?!

Well now I am older, I get to hear the background story, hear and understand what really happened. Not what my childhood mind made up one night while crying in my bed.

Only 5 days and I will get to meet my Aunt Deb face to face, understand more of what happened. And I am trying to prepare my head and my heart for the difference in imagination and my reality. I am excited, nervous & I think a little terrified. When I first met Kathy it was about getting some medical questions answered, it was partial curiosity and showing that I was fine despite being given away. Now it's about know and understanding my story - what happened when I was 8 months old and the cops came and took me away from the women that wanted & was taking care of me anyway, my Aunt.

I guess we will see what else I find out.

I need to runaway

2011-03-30T06:08:00.000-05:00

I am so tired...haven't slept well recently, so much on my mind. I took a short bath last night just to try and sort everything out in my head. How do you wrap your head around the fact that most of the stuff that you knew about where you came from was built on lies and you are essentially starting over. How do you wrap your head around 33 years as an only child and now you have brothers - at least 1 that wants to know you. That you were just dropped off to family and picked up 8 months later only to be sent out for adoption?!
As a wise friend said, just to take 1 thing at a time - easier said than done though. My head and my heart are doing flip-flops.

2 Years

2011-03-28T21:17:00.000-05:00

2 years ago we said goodbye to Deb. 2 years ago we saw part of the family fall. It's been an emotional week for me with everything going on and to have this anniversary now just adds to it.

Deb, we miss you more than words can say, every day. We miss that smoky laugh, those early morning garage sale shopping trips. We just miss you Deb.

Emotions

2011-03-25T19:46:00.000-05:00

I have had a lot of emotions about the letter I received on Wednesday. Yesterday I sat at work and wrote 3 drafts to a letter that I was going to send in reply. Everything seemed so odd and strange. That was until I decided to use trusty facebook. I looked up the name of the woman that had contacted me and everything is there, it all matches. This entire 2^nd family of mine that let me go 33 years ago is right there. Pictures of the boys that I know are my brothers, pictures of aunts, uncles & cousins that I have never met.

Reading Kathy’s entries (this is my birth mother, so much easier that saying my birthmother every time) remind me of the circumstances to which I was born. A family that was not highly educated mostly earned a living by working in factories and just didn’t get far away from that small town. The boys are both in the military, and I hope they get a chance to get out and see the world and experience those things that I have. I wonder if they know about me – I wonder if Kathy has ever told them that they have a sister out there. Brothers. Wow. I put a picture of me next to one of the boys and we have many of the same features, we resemble each other.

I don’t hold it against Kathy for not continuing to keep in touch with me. Those first few letters that we had written each other were foreign and difficult to write. I got a lot of information from her about medical background, and I got a chance to say thank you for giving me a chance at life when you didn’t have to. I know I have had experiences that she would not have been able to give me, I can recognize that and I am thankful. Even now I am waiting on my masters program acceptance, I know I am doing the things that she wanted me to be able to do.

I do not think of this new group of people as a replacement for the people that I do call family. My mom and dad will always be my parents and that will never change for me. It doesn’t help that my mom and I have the type of relationship that we do. It’s abrasive, it’s draining, and it makes me very sad most of the time. Most people cannot believe when I tell them that my father and I talk every single day, sometimes even twice a day, yet my mother and I can go almost a year between speaking. When my dad will throw her on the phone quick because he is doing something we cannot even find something small to speak to each other about. When I go home for a visit it is my father that I want to spend time with.

I wonder if some day I will regret this. If someday I will wish that I could have changed this relationship into a positive and healthy one. Part of me continues to try, but I don’t feel it on the other end from her at all.

When I was home a few weeks ago for my Aunt’s funeral I was watching my cousin with her daughter I will admit I was jealous. I saw how supportive they were of each other and you could actually see the care that they had for one another. I don’t feel that from my mother. I have never felt that “mothers love” that people always talk about. Perhaps that is why I don’t want to have children of my own, that I am afraid I would treat them with the same callousness and judgmental attitudes.

So now here I am with a family that I do care for, many that I truly love and miss, and then I have this new group of people, some that want to meet me. Some that apparently I have been kept from all these years and a letter that asked if I was the ONE?

Suprise in the mailbox

2011-03-23T19:20:00.000-05:00

Today I came home to find a letter to me in the mail. Much to my shock it is from someone in my birth family. They say they are my Aunt & have not been allowed to contact me until now. Apparently there are members of the family that want to meet me.
It's been 2 1/2 years since Helen died and I thought this connection to them was gone.
I am speechless...not sure what to do.

My Furbaby

2011-03-23T06:09:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was vet visit day in our house. That means 10 min of very loud and excited barking, leashes pulling, tails wagging like crazy. And don't forget the cats that seem to scatter to the four winds when their cages come out. But away we all went at 7am.

Most of these visits are no big deal and we get a call around 3pm that they will be ready for pick up when we are done with work. But, they called before noon yesterday, and it seems my Jersey- the oldest of my two Rat Terriers at 10, is a little sicker than we knew.
Jersey has developed a heart murmur, and also has an enlarged heart. This is not a death sentence for him and I know he has a lot of life yet to live but it makes you stop for a moment. He will be on heart medication for the rest of his life now, and we will need to take extra steps for him to get off the extra weight.

We did decide yesterday that we are getting a small pool for the back yard this summer so we can continue his water exercise. This seemed to help over the winter and he seemed to enjoy it. But at $15 each visit we might as well get a pool of our own. So...15 foot pool aproximetly will be introduced to the backyard fun this summer. I think if we can get him in there every day that will help even more for him!

All of this also falls around the anniversary of my mother-in-laws passing. Deb left us 2 years ago Tuesday. It's still hard to believe she is gone and that will catch us every now and then. For Christmas we are going down to Texas, or shall I say driving down, and as long as Jersey is feeling good we will take the boys along. We just need to find someone to peek in on the cats for a bit :O) But family has become more important to both of us. We decided to give up our cruise to Alaska next year and I will go visit my folks in Florida early 2012. Someday, I will be very glad I chose that instead. But this weekend is our hockey team's annual hockey tournament and it marks the last time that we talked to and laughed with Deb. Every year for every smile we share during this time I know that she is on our minds and in our hearts through the whole weekend. Two years...feels like so much has happened. So much has changed & I know we miss her.

I got nothin

2011-03-16T20:47:00.000-05:00

I don't really have much to say. Hockey season is pretty much over, we have our wonderful fun tournament next weekend and then it's time to step off the ice for a little bit. Sounds like I might not have a summer spot for hockey so I might be taking a longer break than I wanted - but it happens.

Looks like I am going to begin the application process for my masters degree. I hope to start fall sometime which will allow me to enjoy the summer and get outside running more. Then it's time to buckle down and get it done.

Family

2011-03-07T06:14:00.000-06:00

I had a chance to see, for the first time this weekend just how strong family could be. I think for the first time in my life I will actually miss family, and wish I could see them more.
It was nice to chat with some cousins that I have not seen in many, many years & find that as adults we have a much different connection than we did in our younger years. It was nice to truly be treated like family. It was sad that my folks couldn't make it back in time but in a way I think it would have been a much different experience for me.
I truly felt the love of family this weekend.

Hard Days

2011-02-25T20:27:00.000-06:00

It won't be long now. My aunt is at home surrounded by all of her kids and grandkids and she is fading quickly. It is these moments that I miss my family tremendously and am so jealous of the relationships that they have with each other.
I wish them peace as they say good bye to their mother, grandmother and wife.
I wish her peace.

Life is precious

2011-02-18T21:44:00.000-06:00

My new year started with news that my aunt was diagnosed with pancreatic & liver cancer. They were hopeful that 6 treatments of chemo would be able to help reduce some of the cancer. Having dealt with pancreatic cancer enough in my life I knew that the outlook was not good but I was hoping that it would do the trick.

Over the last couple of weeks she has gotten her chemo, but it was not easy for her and her treatments would get postponed. Over the last week she became very weak and was brought into the hospital for further testing. It was determined yesterday that the cancer has actually grown & they have decided to stop treatment. Today she is being flown by private jet back to MI where she will be entering hospice care.

Many a childhood memory of going over to Aunt Alma & Uncle Rog’s house…going up to their cabin and being together. I am still trying to process everything, but it has brought up some strange emotions in me.

As my parent’s age I become more and more aware that my time with them is very limited. My father turns 75 next week. 75…that’s pretty good. He is in very good health, keeps active and seems very happy these days. But I can’t help but put myself in my cousin’s position, that some day I will be dealing with the end-of-life issues and saying good-bye. Maybe it’s being adopted that has skewed my perception but I feel like I am just 1 step from being an orphan. I know once my father is gone the strained relationship between my mother and I will just fall apart. Since I live farther away from my family I almost feel like I am not a part of it – I don’t get told about family gatherings or times that I might be able to try and make them. I feel very much like an outsider in my own family. I don’t think that moving away helped that situation at all since I don’t see my family anymore. Last time I was at a function for my dad’s side was in 2005 and 2000 for my mothers side.

On top of all of this if you haven't noticed there are thousands and thousands of people gathering at our capitol to protest a bill by the horrendous Governor. Since I do not get on my political soapbox often I will not do it here either...but lets just say that I think things are going to get worse before they get better. I also think that this is just the beginning of other states also having their own revolution and I am scared for this state and this country. If we cannot figure out a way to not drive one group to poverty while letting those that are better off run away with more this country is in for some rough days ahead.

I wish for safety to all of my friends that are letting their voices be heard on the capitol this week...stay strong and stay safe my friends.

Vacation review

2011-01-28T10:09:00.000-06:00

Well we are back..vacation is now over. Time for laundry & coming back to reality now. I would say at least we have the weekend to relax but tomorrow night we have a hockey game and Sunday we have to travel to Chicago for a hockey game. Ugh..then it's really back to reality.

So here are my thoughts on Vegas. Vegas at nighttime is breathtaking, it's just an amazing display of lights & things going on it's unreal. Daytime on the strip is very trashy & disgusting. The gauntlet of people pushing the porn cards, the aggressive timeshare people & homeless just make this town nasty. I describe Vegas as an adult spring break...it is all about drinking and women. To be honest, my first time will be my last. There is not one thing that I can say I need to go back and see again, or to do. I had fun but I am glad I didn't hardly spend any of my money down there. We had enough coupons to gamble with their money & eat for free that this was probably the cheapest vacation I have ever been on.

All in all, it was nice to get away but I am not the Vegas type - and it's just not stuff I enjoy doing. Thumbs down on that city..now I can cross that off my list.

I promise

2011-01-18T22:30:00.000-06:00

Almost 2 years ago I made a promise. I promised my mother-in-law that I would make sure that Loni was able to travel and see all the things that Deb had wanted to but never did herself. In 5 days I will be able to start living up to that promise with our trip to Las Vegas. We will follow that up with going down to Texas for the holidays and our cruise to Alaska the first part of 2012. We are at a point now that sometimes we can talk about Deb and we can laugh about something that she would have loved to hear, or a memory she would have loved to relive. It’s hard to believe that it’s been 2 years already – here is something that I read to Deb during the time that I shared when she was in the hospital – no one else was in the room, it was “my time” with Deb:

I don’t know if it’s true that people can still hear in this situation, I don’t know if your brain is still processing what is happening all around you, if you know that we are here. I do know what I have seen, I know based on my training that things don’t look good. I know that the organ procurement team has been here, they left a post-it on the wall – I asked your nurse to take it down. I made a call to my co-workers today and there has been a call into them already, they are following your case. Everyone is looking to me to interpret what the Doctors are saying, you have a fantastic Doctor by the way, everything I know is telling me what the outcome will be and I want you to keep fighting. This is the one time that I wish I didn’t know what I know.

I promise that I will take care of Loni for as long as I live. I will take her to all those places that you wanted to go, I will make sure that can experience anything in life that she wants to. I will make sure she is happy and I will make sure that she has every experience in life that you never had.

I count myself as a lucky person to have known you for so long, we will make sure that your grand-kids never forget was a wonderful person that Nana was and how much you loved them.

I promise that any time I get down on myself and forget to live life to its fullest I will think of you. You don’t need to worry about Loni, she will be okay, she will be all that you dreamed for her.

I promise.

Do I trust you?

2011-01-09T21:02:00.000-06:00

I am a little pissed at myself...I put trust in someone..as a friend and I get shit on and completely disrespected. I want to tell this person that, I understand why you are upset, but you treated me, your friend, like crap. Do you care? Have you bothered to think of how you treated me at all? After all the times that I made sure I had your back, that I stood up for you and fought for you this is what I get in return?

I am pissed that I put myself out there again. I am pissed that I extend a hand in friendship to be run all over.
I don't need people that want to do this in my life, that makes me very sad but I cannot have it. I cannot have this digging and passive aggressiveness. I won't have it around me.

New Year, New Chance, No More Crap!

Happy New Year

2011-01-04T22:26:00.000-06:00

So it's a new year, a new beginning, a chance to say "I won't do this anymore" or "I think I will try that." It is once again our opportunity to make some silly resolutions only to break them again by Valentines Day.

In a couple of weeks we will be going on our first vacation in 10 years..Vegas here we come baby! Planning the Alaska cruise now as well - all within a budget and trips saved for and paid for before taking. It's an amazing feeling!

Work is going good..they have me on some management track or something. Which is to say that they think I have the potential for supervisor some day. No shit.

I am considering going back to get my masters in Public Administration. This could open up doors at state or federal level jobs at some point. The program at my school has a competitive Fellow program that I am quite interested in as well. Overall I think it would be challenging, a pain in the ass and expensive...all the reasons I should do it! But I am still evaluating my options for this - hope to talk to someone in the next few months and sort it out.

I still miss you

2010-12-19T11:04:00.000-06:00

So a new book by my favorite author just came out at the end of Nov, which is awesome of course. Had Loni's mom still been here I would have known about the book long ago. It's those little things that I still miss. It's those little things that I fear missing in my own parents some day.

I still miss you Deb. Although now we can remember you with smiles more than tears - you will always be forever young in our eyes.

Why do holidays suck

2010-10-31T20:38:00.000-05:00

I wish we could just skip from Oct to January and miss all those holidays in-between. Growing up my favorite holiday of all was Thanksgiving. It was so much fun to head out to Grandma's house for the day and then roller skating at night.
But over the last few years the holidays have gotten much more difficult. I have not been home for a Thanksgiving since my Grandmother passed away- that was the sweetest memory I have of her, being able to see her and share her favorite holiday as well.

For the last few years Loni and I have spent holidays with her family but last year was the first one without her mother. We had an invitation to our friends house for the day, we told them we would be there, but at the last moment Loni just couldn't go..she was very upset and having a hard day. It was the first major holiday without her mom and I understand..we sat at home, by ourselves just doing nothing.

So this year a friend of ours has invited us to have Thanksgiving with her and some friends and family. Pretty much a group of folks that don't have anywhere else to go. So I need to rsvp with her and when I asked Loni if she wants to go she just said she didn't know if she was ready to be around happy people. ugh, I just don't know what to do - it just depresses me that we sit at home instead of being with people that make us laugh & smile. We need to find something to fill those empty places in our hearts around the holidays.
I just hope it's this year.

Time Flies

2010-10-24T21:19:00.000-05:00

Time does fly when your having fun. Hockey is in full swing and that has really taken priority of the schedule these days. My team had our first game last weekend which we won 1-0, fantastic game. It was kinda cool to see the plays unfold like they are supposed to, the speed was much faster and the skill was much better than what I have played in the past. Any amount of reservation that I might have had were completely erased that weekend. Just sad that some of my former teammates cannot even have the decency to ask how it is going on the new team. We even went to their first game to support them but got a lot of cold shoulders from them after the game. Oh well - life goes on. No regrets here and I am super excited for the experience to play on another level with a fantastic coach.

Things are going well other than that - work is going well. Have been sticking with the running each day, Berbee Derby is right around the corner and I also still want to do the triathlons next summer. I did get some new shoes to continue my training - love them! My dog Jersey has a torn ACL so that has been a challenge for us, trying to carry him around and watching him hobble around the house- just breaks my heart.

ugh

2010-10-13T19:26:00.002-05:00

Okay I admit I am somewhat a chicken, afraid of confrontation? Big nod to yes. While on the phone with my dad this morning he had said that they had a big day on Sunday (that’s dad speak for did you remember our anniversary on Sunday?) He even felt it necessary to share that it was 10-10-10, fantastic. Oh yeah, I said? Then like the little devil I am I wrangled the conversation to there was a child born on 10-10-10 at 10:10 and moved onto something different.

In my head I was screaming, very loudly too, about why should I celebrate your anniversary when you won’t acknowledge mine? What makes you so special? I wanted to scream that yes I think 41 years is awesome, and I hope to be able to say that some day myself, but I just did and said nothing.

They are coming for a visit in 1 month, for the first time I don’t know that I really want them here. Correction, I don’t want her here. But I don’t get to hang out with my father without her. I don’t know how much longer I can keep up this act, the pretending that I can be civil, that I can look at her without the same disgust and contempt that she has shown me?!

Ugh, I am so sick of this consuming my life. I am sick of the exhaustion, the emotion, the anger, the hurt.

Interestingly enough, I was chatting with a friend today and got on the subject of my mother. Anyway, she had asked me if I ever had a certain conversation with her and I realized that we do not talk, my mother and I. Ever. We do not speak on the phone, we do not email, we do not text unless its to get info from my dad to me or vice versa, we do not speak. That can’t be good.

While I am on the topic of speaking...I just finished a book called Speak by Laurie Malse Anderson. It’s written from a high school girls perspective and it’s very good. I cheated and saw the movie first, that’s actually what lead me to the book. Without giving away anything, incident happens at a part – girl arrives at HS very alone and it’s not that she is mute, she just can’t find the ability to speak because of what happened at that party. The ending actually gave me goose bumps. Very good, I recommend it.

Rise above?

2010-10-10T17:15:00.000-05:00

So I have yet to address my mothers email... not sure what I am waiting for really. The words have not yet come for what I am truly feeling towards my mother right now.

Today is their anniversary, 41 years.

Do I call and wish them a happy anniversary? Do I say nothing at all? Do I rise above their actions and be the better person?

I think I will split the difference and send a text.

Could have been me part 2

2010-10-05T22:20:00.000-05:00

I just can't seem to get the rest of my thoughts out..Here I am unable to let my mind shut off, feeling quite alone in my world tonight.

I did sign up for a few running events today, partially because if I don't I will never keep up training. And partially because I feel the need to make some changes in my life. This winter I really want to focus on train for some Triathlons next summer & also for hockey. As much as I hate running..it is actually the one time that I feel like I can climb within myself and forget about what is going on in the world. Just lose myself in the music.

It could have been me

2010-10-05T19:44:00.000-05:00

I have a secret… I have carried with me in silence for a long time.

In hearing the rash of teenage suicides recently I have been thinking about how it could have been me, I was so close – it could have been me!

So…almost 20 years ago I attempted to take my own life. I knew what I was doing...it wasn’t an accidental type of thing. I actually planned it for quite a while. I remember after a 6am swim practice I swallowed a lot of pills that I had stolen from my grandfathers “stash” (he died 6 months previously so no one noticed) and then I went to school. From what I am told, I was acting strange and even walked up to someone and placed my hand on her shoulder and just said “help me” before collapsing. I don’t remember much from that day at all...I remember being in the hospital where they kept asking me if I took anything, which I apparently denied for quite a while. They ended up doing a spinal tap to test what was in my system, trying to counteract what I had taken with a bunch of other fun stuff. I remember how big that needle was and how much that sucker hurt.

I remember when I was placed into a mental facility late that night, it was a Christian one too, can’t have crazies without religion! My first night was actually spent in an observation room with padding on all walls and only a mattress. The next morning was spent getting acquainted to my new surroundings, where to go for meals, where I would be sleeping, where we had our therapy times and of course school. I was surrounded with quite a motley crew of people, my roommate actually spoke with wolves (yeah that’s what I said), a girl I went to high school with was there because she was anorexic, and I met a guy named Jonathan that looked like the lead singer of The Cure, we even dressed him up one day just because we thought that was fun.

There were bars on our windows, and we were only allowed outside for small amounts of time, supervised of course. Our TV room was in direct view of the main nurse’s station so they could peer at us through their tempered glass. We were 14 of the most confused, hurting kids I have seen in a long time. At the time I just thought my life sucked...I was dating a horrible excuse for a human being that liked to hit women...just watched someone I cared for that was so full of life die from an aneurysm 1 day after we had a swim meet among your general teenage heartache. It was a bad time for me, and I thought it couldn’t get any worse.

During my time in the unit I went to many of their shrinks, talked about my life & what “would cause such a good kid like me to end up here”, blah blah blah I had to do that ink blot test, I had to answer personality tests…they made me take funny pills to “keep me calm” among other things. At some point they diagnosed me as being bipolar. I think it was required to say you had something wrong with you, after all I was adopted...I had to have some issues somewhere.

I ended up in that fun padded room during my stay, I don’t remember what started it…but I do remember getting pretty upset and they put you right in that room after a shot of something so eventually you just go numb. It reminded me a lot of my favorite movie at the time Nightmare on Elm Street 3. Shoot you up with a drug, throw you in a room and lock the door. I remember my fellow kids coming by at night to talk to me through the door...something along the lines of hang in there.

By time I got out of the nut house word had spread around school, not that I had almost killed myself, but that I was in a mental institution for a while recovering. Let me tell ya, Christian high school kids are no different from public school kids with the tormenting and bullying. They almost drove me right back into that place. I was so upset and confused. At the time the only thing I was more scared of than leaving that place was going back to school. My parents never talked about it again, my friends certainly didn’t talk to me about it, and those upperclassmen were relentless.

That experience haunted me for years, and I have struggled with it since then. Should my attempt at fate worked? In which case I would not have seen life after 14 years old? I think about the experiences I have had in the 20 years since that day. But, alas that is not the end of the story.

I had some interesting friends back in those days; we were a group of what you would call Cutters today. It was not unusual to find us with blades on us, showing each other the latest marks. Of course I would have stories, I fell, hit something in the garage, slipped down the stairs etc. None of that was true of course. I remember at one point we all carved into ourselves LH for Love Hurts. Quite a thing to determine at our age, quite a statement we made to each other. Even to this day, if I play volleyball you can see those old scars show up as pink lines up and down my arms. And to think no one noticed.

There was 1 other time in my life that I seriously contemplated suicide. That was 10 years ago when I moved to WI…I owned a handgun at the time which looking back on it was a deadly combination. This was when I was thrown out of my parent’s home for being gay. Tossed aside like I was disposable and my life didn’t matter anyway. I remember one night as I was sleeping in my storage unit (I didn’t have any were else to go) I figured no one would miss me, after all it had been a while since I was thrown away...who would care? I have felt like a throwaway most of my life, must be an adopted kid thing. Sort of on your own in all situations and not expecting people to care or notice if you’re keeping yourself together. I have the mentality of an orphan even though I always had a decent family. I say decent because my mother has never been a decent lady, quite a bully in her own way. Too many instances to list here, but not the nicest lady.

Anyway, I realized this weekend with all the news about the kids taking their own lives that I was lucky. I am lucky because I have not talked about this in 20 years because it could have jeopardized my career. I knew that I needed to pretend all of this didn’t happen for the sake of getting to law enforcement. So for 20 years I have suffered in silence. Afraid to say “I need help” or to realize just how close I came to being one of those kids. I wonder if that is how they felt, that there was no one they could talk to. I know how that feels...I still feel like I cannot talk about it. I don’t know that I would be able to look someone in the eyes now and say “help me” it’s amazing that I did back then.

I am a little frustrated with the campaign right now because I don’t think it always gets better just because you got older, bigger, moved etc. I think you learn how to handle it, you develop a proper support network, and if you’re lucky – you will be able to keep your head up and walk through the fire. Do these feelings/thoughts and everything just disappear when you become an adult? No, it is a daily struggle - it’s work, it’s learning to live, it’s learning to appreciate life, it’s learning to love & be loved.

In Tears

2010-10-01T22:47:00.000-05:00

I am seriously upset & furious right now..on what should be a wonderful end of a wonderful day. Today is me & Loni's 10 year anniversary- pretty big day for anyone. Fun times at work when both Loni & I ended up sending each other a dozen roses thinking we got one up on the other! Then it was opening night of the Badgers Women's Hockey..we got a fantastic win and a fun game.

Then I get to come home to this...an email.from my mother:

Feeling very uncomfortable with your picture, etc. on Facebook. A lot
of my friends and family do not know, well probably should say,
didn't know!! Now, I don't know.

Should I mention that it is just a picture of my partner & I..and my status today was "Cannot believe it's been 10 years. Thank you Loni for all the laughs, for truly being my soul mate & the one I can always count on to be there. Can't wait for the next 10!!"

Okay...at what point do you stop being such a hateful person? At what point do you stop trying to control someone else. Even if the rest of my family decides that having someone gay in their lives is just something they cannot tolerate then get the hell out of my life. I cannot keep doing this. I cannot keep pretending for your sake. I will not continue to play your game.

I no longer care that you have been trying to keep some hellacious secret in your life. I no longer care that for 10 years you have spitefully looked at me, scoffed at my relationship and probably deep down still wish you would have never "picked me" If you think that every time I see you I do not remember what you said to me..."better if I was dead" "we wouldn't have picked you" you are mistaken. I feel sorry that you cannot seem to understand what unconditional love really is, I feel sorry that you cannot look past your own prejudices and hateful thinking.
I am still pretty upset..tomorrow will be better. I can't believe this...from my mother. I just can't...

Now THAT is a hockey practice

2010-09-29T22:31:00.000-05:00

Wow..I finally found what I have been looking for! I got to meet my new team, new coach and practice together for the first time tonight and it was amazing! Our coach has coached women's hockey before and he said that he is all about getting the basics down and conditioning the hell out of us.

For the last 5 years I have played..I have never had coaching like this. I think I am in for an amazing year. Not to mention that we did team drills like I have never had. Oh where was all this when I started!!

I need a vacation

2010-09-28T06:15:00.000-05:00

I find it funny, or at least interesting that celebrities check themselves into a hospital for exhaustion or stress. They only work when they take a job and that job might go 8-12 weeks. How about 40hrs each week where "the man" tells you how much time off you get?!

I would love to check myself in some place for a few days..just get away from it all. Not possible for us "regular joe's" that need to go in each day. I actually look forward to the holiday season, not for the holidays, but for the day off to relax. There are just not enough hours in the day to get everything done!

Been in kind of a rut the last few days..not sure if it's the change of weather that has me in this little funk or what.

Some words

2010-09-26T18:33:00.000-05:00

I am sitting here in a self imposed isolation..thinking about the last week. I will say it was one of the more stressful ones I have had in a while.

My parents will visit 1 more time before heading down to Fl. for the winter. Always a bittersweet time of year for me. I don't think they relax and enjoy retirement enough during the summer but they are so far away during the winter. Each year I wonder if I am going to get another phone call like I did just a few short years ago. My dad mentioned quite a few times this weekend about getting up to 75.

Today some friends let us down..again. I hate 1 way friendships - I find them obviously lopsided and disheartening. I am a pretty forgiving person..sometimes to my own detriment, but after so many years of letting people trample on me enough is enough. I am at a point that if you are unwilling to invest some time back at me then I will not continue to seek out time with you. I don't believe that you should trust someone fully until they earn it but if you do something to burn that trust with me it is quite difficult to get it back. I have just had enough with some people.

Lot's of important,life altering milestones have/are approaching: 13 years since the skin grafting operations, 15 years since that moment of terror, 16 years since we lost House...these things are on my mind and heart...

Just can't find the words

2010-09-25T22:42:00.000-05:00

I really need to find time to get on here more- my posts tend to be inspired or driven by my emotions & what is going on around me.

I did start writing some poetry again, it's been quite a relief to get the creative juices flowing again..

So much going on..so much I need to get out. Lot's of emotions rolling around..

Ugh, I just can't find the words right now..

It's just life man

2010-09-20T21:04:00.000-05:00

Wow time really does fly. Here I am trying to fit a quit blog time into my day. Work all day, quick run when I got home and some dinner- and that's nights that I don't have hockey or rugby. Whew, I need a vacation!

Listening to that small voice

2010-08-18T21:59:00.000-05:00

I have been trying to take time to listen to that small voice inside of me to guide me on my way. It's kind of strange why things and circumstances come into your path in life...
So a few months ago I was putting some pictures on facebook and ran into some of my old rugby ones - I decided to see if I could get in contact with some more of my teammates. I have not played on this team in 9ish/10 years. Anyway, when I first came to Madison not knowing anyone or having anywhere to go I found this rugby team that helped me transition to the city and became a part of my family.
So this week week happens to be the Rugby World Cup which my former teammate is playing in. So I have been thinking a lot about rugby and how much fun I used to have playing so after a little chat with Loni she said I should play again. So this morning I sent some email and got some information..hopefully I will get to start pre-season training with the team this winter and play next summer. Hockey in the winter while training for rugby all spring and summer...wahoo!
Now..here is the crazy- crazy moment. I still keep in touch with my ex Tex...we have known each other now for about 13 years, and I had mentioned what a hair brained idea I had about playing rugby again. And ironically, Tex had been in contact with a team in Toronto THIS WEEK because there was a need to play again as well. 2 people that gave up playing a decade ago..BOTH decide to play again in the same week. Its crazy.
Sometimes you should just listen to that voice..And sometimes when you share that little voice you get a surprise :O)

Seasons Change

2010-08-01T21:03:00.000-05:00

So today we made a very tough decision in that we are not returning to our hockey team. This has been quite a year for us as our team struggled with just issue after issue. It never felt like a home to me and for an organized sport it was very frustrating. Sadly the list of issues came to a head last Tuesday where my tolerance to the issues just broke.

Fortunately for me I was able to spend time on Sat with a friend that I was able to chat about some of these hockey issues with and a have a good sounding board to what I have been trying to decide for a while.
And today we made the final decision to seek a happier environment for us. And as we started making the phone calls to let people know so they can fill out spots it was like a weight lifted off us.

The hard part are the very few friendships that we have made on this team - some are very strong and for others apparently this is a test that might be too much to handle. Especially when I get an email that tells me that they need some time and they are hurt. Really? I would hope that friendship carries more weight than a team you play for. But then again it shows true colors and apparently true friendship.

So, I guess we will have to see how the next season goes - hopefully we have found our home and can get back to enjoying the sport I love.

When you are trapped on the couch

2010-07-13T21:15:00.000-05:00

So I have been trapped on the couch since Monday morning with what I believe is the flu. Sucks, sucks, sucks! Not only that I am feeling utterly miserable (honestly I don't know that I have EVER been this sick) I was to officially begin my training at work this week, nice! So I had to call into my job the last 2 days, nice thing is that we are fully paid for all sick time so that was never my concern but missing 2 valuable days of training was not the plan. So tomorrow I will trudge in there again, hopefully to get right back on track.

I am feeling a little better, I think I was only away about 30 min on Monday so today when I have been awake since noon and actually got some food in me I think I am on the mend.

Good side to all of this? I lost 3 pounds in 2 days :O) I don't mind that part..just could do without being that sick! But I believe my dogs and the cat have been super good during this time cuddling up to me and knowing when I just needed some snuggle time - gotta love them for that!

I do find it funny that last night Loni went out and bought stuff to disinfect the house and every room that I have been in, I am not allowed back in the bedroom until at least tomorrow at the earliest :O)

Not happy that I had to miss out on hockey tonight but I would not have lasted 3 min much less 60 out there. I am going to blame this all on my teammate that gave me some chocolate chip cookies on Sunday - funny how I got sick after that...lol I know she really wanted a spot for summer scrimmage but to poison a teammate..gee that's harsh :O)

Okay I am off to raid the refrigerator to see what I might be able to eat; soup, crackers and Gatorade just isn't cutting it anymore!

Sometimes I wonder

2010-07-07T21:49:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wonder what purpose my life serves...if I really wasn't some kind of mistake. Would I even be missed? Do I matter?
A lot of times I just don't feel that I do...I just wonder

Hellooooo

2010-07-05T21:54:00.000-05:00

Where DOES time go? Seems that since I have started my new job things are going so well but I have been so busy that I don't get a chance to post on here too much.
After 8 weeks I am actually starting my training this week :O)
Feeling a little left out from some friends recently, seems like one of us have pulled away but I am not sure what side of the coin that was. But that is how life goes...sometimes you have that I suppose.
Getting ready for another hometown visit next month since it seems my folks cannot fit a trip out this way into their schedule. Hard to believe people that are retired can't find a weekend to visit their daughter but I think only 1 of them really want to make the trip.

We have been doing a lot around the house and it's coming together really nice, got the fence put up with the help of some friends, we painted this weekend and I installed some curtains. All in all, it was a great weekend!

Where does time go?

2010-06-06T17:20:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I have posted on here..not for lack of things to say, actually so much has been going on that I just haven't had time to update the blog.
Let see...started a new job, had a visit from my folks, had a visit from my SIL & her kids, planning the first two vacations we have taken in 10 years, had to deal with a major home appliance replacement that wasn't planned for (not planed but fortunately we have been smart with $$ and saving)

There is just not enough time in the day..

I am trying really hard...

2010-05-06T11:54:00.000-05:00

I am sitting here right now trying not to be insulted or hurt. Today is my last day at the "old" job...it's bittersweet because endings are usually hard- but I am still excited about the new adventure too.

But 2 days ago my manager sends out an email saying we should have a food day for my last day (which we usually do for people leaving) and rather than send around a sign up list or something she just said bring whatever. Well, I am sure you wouldn't be shocked to learn that only 2 things were brought in. Go figure. It's insulting and rather hurtful.

I think I will leave early and close this chapter.

To quote one of my favorite movies:
"Beginnings are scary,
endings are usually sad,
But it's the middle that counts the most.
You need to remember that when you find yourself at a beginning.
Just give hope a chance to float up, and it will too."

Whew!

2010-05-01T08:56:00.000-05:00

So the visit has come and gone...overall it was actually a good visit. We had a lot of work to do which could have attributed to that, although Loni was a little upset that she couldn't be a part of working on things around the house. This is the constant struggle, while my parents are here she is left on the sidelines. I know that especially when it comes to doing things around the house she just wants to help, to be a part of it. That makes me sad.
This week also begins a new chapter in my life as well, I am finishing up work at one job and get ready to start my new job on the 11th. As usual I am a little nervous about the new environment, the new dress code will take a little getting used to for me but I will figure it out. I am looking forward to growing some roots at a company that will let me grow with them...not a fan of the dead end positions I have had recently.

Also last week I saw one of my friends get a position with a police department. I am very happy for her, but I am not quite sure of my other feelings yet. I think I have accepted that the signs are all pointing to this not being my career path, seems kind of funny to look at it that way. All the years of school, joining the military all with the goal of getting on a police department and to now find myself just saying that is okay. Very strange to me. But I still have mixed feelings about it, but I am sure that will pass too. I just want my life to mean something, in whatever capacity it should be..I just want to make a difference.

Another Day

2010-04-27T14:16:00.000-05:00

It’s amazing how lives intertwine, touching us for a moment sometimes, and if we are lucky it is longer.

Tonight the folks come in for a visit, initially I was a little put out by the length of time that they wanted to stay but these days I am grateful that my 74 year old father is healthy enough to be making trips to and from Florida and Wisconsin, I can’t complain for the days we spend together. I know I will not always have this opportunity – and I am so thankful for it.

I am also thankful today for Kathy Cole – aka my birthmother. I am thankful to Kathy today because she gave me life and in what I am sure was the most difficult decision of her life, chose to give me an opportunity to have a good life with another family. Birthday’s are always quite emotional and difficult for me – not sure if this is because it is the 1 time of year I am reminded that I didn’t come from just 1 family, that I wonder what my life would have been like if I was living in that small Michigan town. I most likely would not have gone to college, lucky to not have been knocked up early and barley finished high school, if I had been lucky enough to make it through school I would have most likely been working in a factory with the rest of the family.
There has been a price for me to have this life that I am so grateful for, I have wonderful parents who love me – but there are conditions. It’s not unconditional love, it used to be. I hardly remember what those days were like anymore. There are so many conditions and forbidden topics now. It’s hard to believe that my partner and I will be celebrating 10 years together this year and they still refuse to meet her. This hurts me more than I think they know…my father and I chat about things involving Loni and I am allowed to mention her name, but not to my mom. I can still see that distain and hatred in her eyes.

I read an amazing story on CNN today, showing just how the impact of 1 person can be. How big your voice can be if you choose to use it. I often wonder why my legacy will be, what I will leave behind – this girl showed tremendous strength and courage – take the time to read her story and then check out her blog.

Ho Hum

2010-04-21T13:10:00.000-05:00

So of course I am ready for the new job to start, it's getting hard to focus right now - so many issues at the office (otherwise I wouldn't be leaving I suppose) especially with the lights. They are very bright, in fact they are so bright that I have to wear my sunglasses...while at my desk...for the entire day. This place gives me a headache in more ways than one.

We have been really good about going to the gym, pretty much daily- I was quite surprised and very happy about that actually. It's been a fun way to work out and doing it together just makes it more enjoyable.

Life has been pretty good, on a break from hockey at the moment until summer scrimmage starts, softball will start next month, folks will be here next week for my birthday...just the usual.

It's that time of year to enjoy the farmers market, working out in the yard & hanging out with friends.

I did it!

2010-04-08T07:43:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I got the phone call that I have been waiting quite a while ago, I was offered a new job!! Few bonuses here, I get to leave a highly stressful job, I will get paid much more than I anticipated or expected, I have the opportunity to advance in the position.

All in all, this is a huge thing for me. I start on May 11th...wahoo!

Rest in peace sweet La

2010-03-22T17:19:00.004-05:00

This morning my dear friend Nancy's mom La died. A beautiful, funny and energetic woman has left us. La had been sick a lot recently and had been fighting as hard as her body would let her fight...I know how much Nancy will miss her and I will too. I will miss La nagging us to come down so she could cook some of the best Mexican food I have ever eatin in my life and how she would tell us to come around more. I am grateful for every invitation.

Rest in peace great lady, you will be missed.

A weekend memory

2010-03-20T08:52:00.001-05:00

So this weekend is That Dam Tourney for our hockey team, it also marks the 1 year anniversary from the last time that we saw Loni’s mom. It was the first time that she was able to make a game of ours and the first time that she got to see Loni play. She sat in the stands and commented on how cute the boy was with the mohwak (we all love goalie Joe) and listened while Vivian explained how hockey works…and of course she had her camera along with her. I will never forget how she was beaming with pride. I will never forget how 1 week later we were at her side in a hospital wondering what was happening.

Last night I got a little choked up when we walked into the rink – I know it’s not always going to be like that, each time we reach a milestone. We can talk about her now without having the tears…but sometimes they flow anyway. We still really miss her – but I am glad that the last time I talked with her she was smiling and happy, that is how I will always remember her.

Thankful

2010-03-11T09:27:00.001-06:00

I am very thankful for my true friends. Not just those that will on occasion text me and say hello..or the ones that I might see from week to week but the ones that have taken time to really get to know the real me. 
You know who you are...I am very thankful for you.

Closure

2010-03-10T14:19:00.000-06:00

Yesterday we were able to get some closure on what happened after we donated my mother-in-laws tissue when she died. Timing couldn’t be more perfect with the 1 year anniversary right around the corner; it gave us something to be happy about, that she would be proud to have helped so many people.

In a very nice letter they informed us that over 10 recipients have already had a transplant and they range in ages from 12-61 and live in Michigan, New York and Nebraska. 4 people have had their ACL repaired, 2 have had TKA (Total Knee Arthroplasty) and 3 have had cervical and spinal fusion surgery.
We also donated her eyes and before the funeral we found out that 2 people already had received her corneas in a transplant. Interesting thing about her corneas, she couldn’t see from here to there without her glasses…but under a microscope she had the most beautiful and perfect corneas – and the surgeon that did the transplant is one of the pickiest surgeons in WI and that made me feel good knowing that she has perfect eyes.

Closure is good, but it is still a difficult part of the grieving process. For so long we waited to see what would happen, how many people she would be able to help but now we need to begin the process of moving on again. We planted a tree that my friends from the eye bank sent us and this week as the rain started to clear away the snow we noticed that “mom’s tree” had grown a little bit. Life. Growth. It still goes on.

This summer, in order to appropriately sell Deb’s clothes, we are having a garage sale. This would be the most fitting way for us to clear out her clothes is having a giant garage sale in her honor and anything that remains will go to a battered women’s shelter. I know this process will be a little difficut, although I will be happy to have my garage back.

In the basement we will have her jacket, purse and clothes that she was wearing the day she went into the hospital laying on a couch. From time to time we will see Willy laying on her coat, we like to think it’s because he knows it was hers…but he might also like the fact that it’s a soft coat too.

What?!!!

2010-03-09T15:29:00.002-06:00

Life has been crazy as usual lots of work and hockey. Our team made playoffs, which is happening this weekend in Milwaukee, by the skin of our teeth. Our season was so up and down, playing really strong and together one game and then just falling apart and playing awful the next. There has been a lot of drama from the coaching issues and whether or not our team is getting what it needs. I struggle with this a lot, as a relatively novice hockey player I am soaking up hockey like a sponge every opportunity that I get, and I am playing with women that are treating this more like a social “bar” league. I am not all that interested in drinking, or hearing about who went out drinking, or what they plan on drinking later…perhaps that is actually more of an age thing. I have already been there, done that. I struggle with my ability to really fit in with this group of players, perhaps this isn’t the best team for me, maybe we want different things...I am, after all, an extremely competitive person – I genuinely like to win.

But this group, when we work together can really click, and when we don’t it’s pure disaster. We have some very, very, strong personalities on this team and this makes having a team discussion difficult. In fact, the last team meeting that we had you could see these personalities bristle at each other…very difficult to watch but also like a true life study from one of my psychology classes. On top of that fun we also have all of these extraneous expenses that are coming up with this team. I expected that if I wished to play in a tournament that I would have to pay, of course…so we signed up to play a tourney in 2 weeks- cough up $82 bucks. Then we find out that not only do we qualify for playoffs in Milwaukee (cough up another $82 bucks) we also have to pay for our coaches hotel room for the weekend. WTF??!!!! I get it if we were in IL or something further away, but hell, I am driving back and forth on Friday, Saturday and Sunday...I am paying for my own gas and my teammates, if they so choose, will be staying in hotels or driving back and forth as well. Why am I paying for my coaches to be there too?!!?! I understand the volunteer aspect, and I appreciate it, but honestly they have not earned it in my book. Oh and since it’s end of season we will have to pay for some type of gift as well…last talk I heard was $20 a player (cough up another $40 then) so in 1 month we have to spend an additional $204 – not cool with me or my budget.

Work is frustrating. One month I am on the verge of losing my job because all of a sudden we are sales people I am not good at forcing products down a customers throat and the next month all of a sudden I am a rock star. Either way the culture here has changed, it’s no longer a fun, and engaging work environment. I have friends that are leaving because they are just done with it and I have 1 friend that is feeling pushed out because one of our managers decided she doesn’t want her here anymore. There are no open positions that I can take without an apparent giant pay cut. I interviewed for a position in January and the day before was told that if I were to get it, I would have a take a pay cut – what kind of company won’t let you move to another position and at least stay at your pay? I am trapped here with no way out. Ugh.

Looking forward to spring, still trying to sort out some ideas for going back to school or what I plan on doing with my life. I need to find something that peaks my interest, challenges me and that I can stick with. I feel like I am going to be one of those people that finally figure it all out at 99 and die at 100 or something. I don’t know why it’s so hard find that something that will keep me happy. All of this stress from work does not do me any good at all, keeps me awake and just miserable. How frustrating.

Looking forward to summer scrimmage starting up, to play some hockey with more advanced players that I hope to learn from and also starting softball again with friends, it was nice to be asked back to their team again this year.

Edited note:
A few weeks ago I met with one of my coaches regarding some of the issues and I must admit I do see a change in their styles. I like to think that I did have some hand in this change that I have been seeing. I asked for them to start providing that feedback that new players so desperately need and frankly that I need too. I even said, "I need feedback, I don't know what I am doing well or what I need to work on" so imagine my suprise when I am still not getting any feedback yet Loni is just getting emails daily about positioning, shooting, her stats, blah blah blah. Well I suppose 1 out of 2 isn't bad…maybe I am slightly jealous about that....

Being an adult sucks!

2010-03-02T18:55:00.001-06:00

So we didn't get the truck tonight. It was one of those awful adult/grown up decisions that just didn't feel right in the gut and we walked out. 
Loni is crushed... 

Spring

2010-03-02T10:53:00.000-06:00

Springtime is coming

I love spring, probably my second favorite season of the year. Spring is a good time to re-evaluate things in life, clean out the personal cobwebs of your life and also the house. It’s a great time to open up the windows and hear the birds, letting in that fresh air after 5 or 6 months of being locked up during the winter.

Lots of things happening in our lives right now, we finally purchased a new truck last night – after 8 months of 1 vehicle and trying to coordinate everything it was time to take the plunge. So, this evening we will head over to the car lot and pick it up. I am quite excited because of how happy this makes Loni; she is over the moon right now actually. This will be the first new vehicle she has ever had (only 160 miles!!) and this is HER truck. Even though it will be the primary vehicle when we go on trips or anything like that, it is hers. Just seeing how excited she is makes me happy too!

We are approaching the end of regular season for hockey. I have mixed feelings about this because in some ways I am sick of the drama that has come with my team this year, but also very proud of the progress that we have made together despite that drama. I am trying to decide if I will remain with this team or not, I am looking at options and coaching that is more suited to my skill and learning capabilities.
We are also coming to an end with the co-ed league that we play with (only 3 games remaining, not like I am counting) and this is very bittersweet for me. I know I will miss certain aspects of this league but it is time for me to move on, and I will finally get my Sunday nights back. I think this is a huge part of my motivation to be able to relax on Sunday nights and not worry that I will be exhausted for my work week.

Work is really stressing me out right now and quite a few people that I consider friends are leaving the company. On one hand I am super excited for them to get out of this situation, I am selfish and I will miss them and their camaraderie through our tough times. I know with the departure of these people it’s going to put more workload on us, and there is more than enough already on our shoulders. I have been searching a lot for something more suitable to what I would like to do for a living.

It's Time

2010-02-25T17:25:00.001-06:00

I have been an Olympic fan my whole life...I used to want to BE an Olympian. So of course you can imagine that when the Olympics are on I am glued to the TV, I will also admit that I shed a few tears when I see people win their event or if something happens and they are unable to continue. The Olympians always seemed like someone that I admired, followed their careers and just watched from afar- but this year it’s a little different. 7 players on the current US Women’s Hockey team are players that I have watched in the college career, players I have seen develop and struggle and ultimately grow as a player and reach the highest level of play that women’s hockey players can get to.

Maybe that’s why this Olympic year seems to mean more to me, I feel like I am watching friends play. Speaking of...I finally posted some of the pictures I took of UW Women's Hockey vs Team USA - you can see them here.

I can speak at nauseam about the players, the game and the statistics around this team. Why couldn’t I just get a job talking about hockey I tell ya...anyway, here I sit, about 2 hours to the puck drop on the gold medal game between Team USA and Canada. I get goose bumps when I think about what those players are going to be doing, how hard they have worked and the tremendous effort that they display in their focus on this game. Was there any doubt in my mind that the final game would be between these two great countries? Absolutely not, people keep referencing what happened in 2006 (for those that don’t know they lost a game which bumped them out of the gold medal game) I think this team is much more focused, they are taking the games one at a time and they are just a different team.

Yes I admire this team, yes I admire their chemistry on the ice, yes I admire their coach, their dedication, their focus, need I go on?

In other news, I did interview with the Sheriffs Department today – I am pretty excited about how it went but now I need to wait about 4 weeks to see if I move on in the process. I was one of the top 10 so I got the interview, if I am one of the top two I will get moved onto the background and job offer. Hopefully this will be a good move for me, and finally a career that I so desperately need to find.

sigh

2010-02-19T12:46:00.002-06:00

Still a lot going on...wanting to bang my head into the wall some days.

I hate my job, I hate my job, I hate my job. I notice as the feeling of misery increases I get sick more often. I have a very good track record, or at least I am consistent with never using my sick time. Well, this year I have been sick a few times - got knocked down a week or so ago with ear & sinus infection (speaking of I need to pop that horse pill they gave me...ugh giant sucker) anyway..after that took me out for 2 days I was informed that if I call in again I will be written up.
Mind you this is after I have applied and interviewed for a different position at work and was then told if I got it I would take a pay cut. Really? A pay cut? I have worked many jobs in my life, and in all the moving around within those companies I have never been told that I would actually lose money. They have warned that I will not earn more, but cut?? WTF?
So, apparently if I get sick again, I should just report to my cubicle and get the entire place sick. I guess it just irritates me because we do not have designated "sick time" so you use PTO for all time. Oh and apparently they don't have excused ie Doctor's note or something vs unexcused ie whatever because I had a note and everything!!!

Hockey, my favourite sport in the world, is causing me some heartache and I am trying to work through it. Our team is having some coaching issues and I am trying desperately to do the right thing for this group of ladies and also doing what I need to do to keep my own sanity. I just wonder what will happen, I think some feelings will ultimately get hurt - but many already have. Sometimes having the guts or courage to finally stand up and say this is wrong is a very lonely and exhausting place.

2010-02-14T10:48:00.001-06:00

In some exciting news looks like we are planning a vacation to Vegas!! Wahoo...Plan is to go in January during the "off" time, nice thing is that since we are frugal people we already have excellent deals on one of the casino hotels (50$ a night!!) so you know we will have this whole trip at low cost. I am super excited and even the planning is a lot of fun!

So....how ya been?

2010-02-09T11:25:00.002-06:00

It's been a while. Not for lack of things happening and going on, I think it's more I have had so much happening I don't know where to start.
Short list?
*Went on vacation...real vacation - cruise to Mexico with mom & dad
*Was among the 1st to know that some friends are having a baby...and I am trying to pretend to be happy about that.
*Giving up 1 hockey team & my responsibilities on their board - learning to let go and be okay with it
*Trying to wrap my head around possibly pursuing a new career
*Watching some friends make one bad decision after another & trying to offer advice since we have been there but knowing they need to hit the bottom on their own..as much as I want them not to experience that
*Trying to offer a little leadership to my hockey team that is desperately reaching out for leadership and coaching
*Hammering out our own plan for the year, and being really excited about it
*Planning our first vacation together in what will be over 10 years, a cruise to Alaska!!
*Trying to remember to take some time for me every now and then

That's what I have been up to, just a couple of things. We'll catch up more later I am sure.

Olympians are coming to town

2010-01-05T10:58:00.004-06:00

So tonight Team USA Women's Ice Hockey Team comes to Madison to play the UW Women's Hockey Team..let's just say I am over the moon about this. My excitment is twofold actually, one I have always been a huge Olympic fan - what kid doesn't dream about some day going to the Olympics and second I am a huge women's hockey fan.

It comes without saying that my camera will be attached to my side tonight. Hopefully I will have some great pictures to post tomorrow!

My 2009 in review

2010-01-04T13:08:00.000-06:00

So this year didn’t shape up to be the perfect year, but it had important lessons throughout.
New Year started out pretty strong, both of us in good stable jobs ready to tackle the world.
January- President Obama took office this month…I remember a country so full of hope
February – My father celebrated his 73rd birthday, I am very thankful for that.
March- We unexpectedly lost Loni’s mom, I think that this was the most difficult month of all.
April – I played hockey in Canada for the first time, and first trip to Toronto. This also marked the first trip back to Canada without one of my dear friends Marianne.
May – Not much happened in May…
June – June brought about another crisis for us, Loni lost her job at the law firm. And then was in a nasty car accident totaling the car.
July- Nothing memorable happened that I can recall
Aug- Took a trip home, reconnected with an old friend, priceless memories, also another Act ride
Sept – Watched my first Ironman, Saw Pink in concert amazing month
October- Beginning of hockey season again, Lot’s of preparation for the MPD test
November- 1st holiday and 1st birthday without Loni’s mom, failing the MPD test
December – Not much happened this month, building the plan for the following year, ready for a new year.

I am leaving in about a week for a visit to Florida. And actual visit with my folks, which will be the first time I have done that since they began going down there a few years ago. My father surprised me with a 5 day cruise while I am down there as well which I am really looking forward too. This will be the first time that I have been on a cruise and one to Mexico is not half bad with me!!

We have begun working on what is being called “The Plan” which is to get back on our feet again, get debit free and plan for a vacation. I am actually super excited to do this and very energized despite the small changes we need to make. The biggest one, and most important is to curb our dining choices. Right now we do pretty well with making most meals at home, but we tend to stop at the store for “impulse” dinners, or going out to eat 1-2 times a week. As a rule, we never buy lunches since we have leftovers or meals that we make for lunches. But we are going to try and do 1 dinner every 2 weeks…that should help a lot. According to the “The Plan” we will be debit free by the end of the year (minus car, house & student loans) maybe even sooner. I am super stoked about this idea, because we can then start saving for a vacation. First one on the books is a cruise in 2012, which I know sounds far away but its Loni’s 30th birthday and my 35th so it’s a special year. And, we have some friends that said they might be interested in joining us, can’t beat that one!!

So, here is to a new year, another chance to reinvent yourself, to reshape your future and recognize that today is a gift because you are not promised tomorrow.

2009-12-16T21:58:00.001-06:00

Some days I wish I could dig a whole and just crawl inside....

2009-11-26T23:07:00.001-06:00

Really missing family today. We didn't go anywhere at all just stayed home. Felt somewhat lonley, felt kinda sad. We need to create our own traditions here but it's just tough right now.

Here's to hoping the holidays go quickly.

Giving Thanks

2009-11-23T08:35:00.001-06:00

What can I say about Thanksgiving day? This has, hands down, been one of my all- time favorite holiday’s my entire life. Over the last few years this has been more of a difficult one though being away from my family. I come from a pretty large family when you get down to counting the actual numbers. Both of my parents had a slew of brothers and sisters who also had 4-5 kids of their own and so on for the rest of them.

As far back as I can remember on Wednesday night we would pack up the car once dad got home from work and drive out to Holland for his side of the family. Along the road there was always this little hill in the middle of the highway and knowing how this was what I loved my dad would floor it as we got to this hill so you could get that stomach dropping feeling. All night we would sit with his side of the family, doing our Christmas as well at the same time, playing with my cousins, cuddling up to my Grandfather and listening to my aunts gossip. We would get home pretty late and usually I slept the whole way home waking up just in time to hear my dad say “Punky we’re home, time to wake up” and shuffle into my bed.

Thanksgiving morning was always filled with smells and excitement; my mom would do a pie or homemade buns for cream of turkey that night. We would have to get a bunch ready before church because when we got home it would be pack up and head to the VK side of life. We would head into Zeeland all day on Thursday, in the early years ALL of us would be at my Grandma’s house, filling the house with kids, smells of turkey and pies coming from the oven and a fresh pot of coffee brewing in the corner. This was what I loved the most were those early years, my cousins lived next door and we would play for hours in their back yard, out in the barns and if it was too cold out we would play in the hallways. When dinner was ready we would all head to the basement where there was a banquet sized table and of course a giant kids table to match already set up. Everyone would be jockeying for a seat next to their favorite aunt/uncle/cousin and far away from mom and dads. After dinner the “guys” would gather in front of the TV to watch football and the “ladies” would all be in the kitchen, doing as much talking as dish washing. The kids would busy ourselves playing and running around, sitting on my Uncle Larry’s computer if he would let us until the fun part of the day begun. Around 4pm everyone would leave Grandma’s and make their way to the skating rink, picking up friends and other family members along the way and we would all meet up again to skate the night away. We had limbo contests, we showed off on our skates and we just loved being a family. There was a huge spread of food again with all the leftover turkey turned into the best cream of turkey sandwiches. Those that couldn’t make family dinner would show up there at night, and there would be new squeals of excitement. As the family got bigger families started having smaller groups at their houses, splitting the family up for dinner, but always coming together again at night for the skating.

Having moved away from home and not able to get back as often as I want to I have had to search out my own traditions which drastically changed again this year. For the past few years we have spent the morning chatting with Loni’s mom while she was making her deviled eggs and heading north. We would often go to Loni’s brother’s house at some point to hang out with his family. 2 years ago we spent our Thanksgiving moving into our first house, hosting a feast via cardboard table for those that helped out. It’s been hard to find that sense of holiday over the last few years but I think this year we feel it even more. This week marks a few things for us, it’s the first holiday with Loni’s mom, Deb’s birthday would have been the 28th, and it also marks 8 months since she passed away. That’s a whole lot to absorb in 1 week; I think it’s going to be tough on Loni this year. We are going over to a friend’s for dinner, but I wouldn’t mind if we just stayed home too.

I am feeling sort of blah about the whole thing. But I am going to try and get into the holiday spirit and surprise Loni by getting the house decorated tomorrow while she is at work. I am also getting our HD service hooked up on Tuesday so there goes my day off who knows how long that will take!

So what am I thankful for this year? I am thankful that both of my parents are in good health – and will be leaving for Florida on Sunday. I am thankful for Loni & what we have together, can’t imagine life without her, even with the struggles we have gone through this year. I am thankful for the life that Deb lived, for the opportunity to know her and love such a wonderful lady. I am thankful for my friends, though the circle is large, I am thankful for those that I let in close to me and how they enrich my life. I hope they know just how much they mean to me.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Couple more thoughts

2009-11-20T13:56:00.002-06:00

So yesterday I went on some little tirade about a few things, so here are some more thoughts today.

Lot's of recent changes to guidelines for women. Changing when we should have a routine mammograms, and then today it's announced about changing the pap smears. Now, I am not a big doctor person, I don't like to go. Actually haven't been there for 3 years now that I think about it,however, I don't think it's smart to start changing these guidelines. I read today on CNN that out of every 1,000 women ages 40-49 that get their mamo 2 will be diagnosed with breast cancer. I know in this day and age money seems to run everything, but I bet if you ask those 2 women if this was important to have done they would agree it is.

These days women are finding cancers on their own in their twenty's..but wait, we're not supposed to do those pesky BSE's or breast self exams. After all, it's better that the Dr. we see every what 3 years feel around to see if they can find anything, but the boob that dwells on my own body I should check to make sure it feels okay??

UGH, this has me livid right now.

I come from a family where according my my adoption records my mother and grandmother both had breast cancer in their lives. If I am lucky, I will get to avoid this trend in my future, if I am not so lucky when will I be allowed to be screened? I am still trying to understand just how someone sitting in some office somewhere can dictate how women get screened for such a thing? Wait, these are the same asses that also decide that I am not allowed to marry my partner or how many of our soldiers get sent to a war that we should not still be fighting.

This trend is starting to make me nervous, isn't this how some other countries started? I betcha the next thing with be MRIs - there are already huge waits for these. My parents are under the belief that had all of this happened 4 years ago when my dad had his heart surgery that he wouldn't have been helped. He is under the belief that the hospital would have turned him away because for a 70 year old the cost to do a quadruple bypass would just be too high. Is that really where we are going? I certainly hope this is not the case, but I am not sure anymore.

Some Pet Peeves

2009-11-19T15:37:00.003-06:00

So in the spirit of being irritated with people these days let me just run down just a few of the pet peeves that drive me up the wall.

Smokers that stand IN FRONT OF THE DOOR. Okay, I know I am in a northern climate so it's cold sometimes. But seriously, I do no appreciate walking in and out of hockey with smokers standing at the door working on their lung cancer. And of course when I am walking into a store or out to eat and I have to walk through the puff of toxic air..thanks people. I find this extremely rude and just disgusting. Before I place all of the blame on these individuals that are just as content to share their cancerous activities with the rest of us, I should look to the establishment that places the smoking receptacles directly IN FRONT OF THE DOOR!! You people should be ashamed that the first experience someone has with your location is this. But again, this state does not have any limits on how far these bins need to be from a door. Shame on you Wisconsin!

Okay I know it's not fashionable - and I am not really up the the latest fashions out there, but why are we wearing not only our pajamas to the store these days but the slippers as well? Really? Could you not at least put some shoes on? It's interesting to see the full on pajamas too, not the sweat pants and t-shirt type of look..but the I just rolled-outta-bed and drove right here look is something else. At least if you had curlers in your hair I would be able to see that you were trying. But seriously, that's just not something you wear in public.

Leading me right to the I-do-not-pick-up-my-feet-when-I walk shuffle. This is for anyone that walks, from the kids to their parents, and don't think I am not noticing those that are old enough to have figured out how to pick up their damn feet!! Unless you have some sort of disability, there is no reason that you cannot put one foot in front of the other without shuffling along. My grandmother, who used 2 canes until the day she died, didn't even shuffle her feet as she walked. It was difficult but she was able to pick her feet up enough up off the ground to move forward.

Public displays of affection also drive me insane. Now I am not talking about the quick nobody is looking type of thing. But I am talking the groping, you are my "possession" type of thing. If you really cannot stand to be separated by a strand of hair then take it to a private place. I don't care if you are gay, straight, all alone or whatever. If you cannot pry yourselves off of each other then it's time to move it out of the public eye.

I cannot stand people that talk just to hear themselves talk. That is what the blogging world is for. If you have something to say get a blog and you can rant and rave forever. Otherwise, perhaps you should check yourself and your facts before opening that big trap.! Sadly, I know way too many of these people. Of course since I hang out a lot with hockey people this is where I see this the most. Especially in the locker rooms!! ugh, people!!

Okay since it seems like I am on a I hate people day I think I will stop...this list could go on for days I am sure. I might even update it when more inspiration comes my way. Never know if you will make the list....

In the meantime might I recommend looking at one of my favorite examples of why we need to have a committee that can determine if certain people should be allowed to ever procreate please see www.peopleofwalmart.com

Failed

2009-11-12T09:34:00.001-06:00

The word fail is defined as:
1. To fall short of success or achievement in something expected, attempted, desired, or approved.
2. To be or become deficient or lacking; be insufficient or absent; fall short
3. To lose strength or vigor; become weak

Well that sort of sums it up. I prefer to think of my weekend in terms of #1. I know that in order to succeed sometimes we must fail, but it really sucks. Especially when you put a lot of work into it and prepare for so long to accomplish something, falling short just isn’t acceptable.

People that know me know that I am competitive and I don’t like doing something if I am not good at it. This is probably why I hated piano so much, never continued in soccer and have not downhill skied since I was 21. Running is not my strongest skill, sure I can sprint from here fast – even if I haven’t done it in a while I am sure I am still pretty quick. But any distance to the run and I struggle, which is why I have been getting up at 515 in the morning to hop on a treadmill to get running. Apparently my plan didn’t quite work out for me. While doing the test over the weekend I maxed out the sit-ups (did 36 in 1 min...Probably a personal best there) and I did the bench press instead of pushups so I did 75lbs 18 times. And then we got to the run, let me tell you, when I ran against UW in college I either never noticed how dry it was in here so I was on a different planet. I have NEVER been in a gym that was THAT dry. So, it should not surprise you that on about lap 5 of 12 my mouth felt like I had cotton balls shoved into them, which started me to panic, therefore I was having to focus on my breathing while trying to stretch out a side stitch that I found myself with. Very long, painful, story short, I went 1.39 miles before I was pulled off the track for time. Remember I had 14:30 to do the 1.50 miles…that was a big NO GO.

I failed. All over. Finished.

So that’s that, it’s over – this time. I will have a year to prepare if I want to try it again.

I can at least say I tried.

Here is a fun little treat to add to this post. I got my postcard the other day for the test. Out of a possible 18.9 on the written test I scored 18.2. I don't know if that makes me happy or want to scream. I am not sure if that makes me fee even more humiliated about the whole exam process or not. I have been avoiding some of my friends that are on the department because I just don't know what to say - I feel like an idiot.

So much.

2009-11-02T14:59:00.000-06:00

So after an embarrassing loss to the Milwaukee team it was time for the party. Seemed like a decent enough time but we are just not party people so we didn’t stay too long. Long enough to see people were getting drunk and loud which is our clue to take off. Ended up home around 1030 or something. Such party poopers.

Sunday we caught the UW Women’s hockey game in an awesome, awesome performance by the team. They are starting to come together nicely – which does take time when you have a new group working together. But it’s nice to take a team like that and see that they can struggle, they can have issues but you know they are working their butts off during the week to bring it all together. Having been a student-athlete I know how much sacrifice goes into those games. You have to give up a certain part of the “college experience” to focus on your sport. Granted the payoff is traveling to other locations and getting certain perks by being an athlete, but it’s tough.

Sunday night we had our MGHA game, last one of the night again but that will be done soon enough. Anyway, as we are getting ready to take the ice our coach says “Mimi’s mom passed away this morning, we are playing this game for her” wow, what a way to start the game. This fired the team up, we came out and were on point and we did a great job. I was excited to play against 2 players that are, by far, much better players than I am but that is what drives me. The little victories of poke checking the puck, or getting in their way – those to me are worth more than the actual score. Especially when one of them is super tall, really fast and starts to act like a jerk on the ice when they are upset - like I said it’s the little things.

I am also in panic mode for the test this weekend. I was rather hoping I would break my leg this weekend so I wouldn’t have to do it, nice huh? Anyway, I do think that I pulled a groin muscle or something, hopefully that will heal and I will end up not embarrassing myself too much. I am just not very confident in my ability to pass this exam. I know I have to go in with a positive attitude (my dad has been harping on this forever) but it seems like every time I am getting ready to take this test something happens. The 1st time there was an accident and I couldn’t find the location, the 2nd time Loni’s Grandpa passed away, so 3rd time is the charm right? It’s either that or I need to move on. Have I mentioned I am terrified about this?? ugh. I guess in 6 days it will be over…16 days and I will know the outcome. What will be will be

Looking ahead

2009-10-21T17:12:00.000-05:00

Running…I really hate running… but every morning my alarm clock rings at 515 so I can drag myself to the basement and hop on the treadmill. The only company I have each day is my cat who slinks around chasing his spiders or other creatures of the basement that I would prefer not to think about. My motivation is the PT test for the PD coming up in just 20 days, the Ironman in 3 years, the fact that I USED to be able to run much faster/farther, and perhaps a little to prove to Loni that I CAN do it like I said I would. I refuse to let something like a run stand between what I want to do and what I can do.

I will be honest; I am terrified by this test. The last time I did a PT test for a PD was when I was 23 years old. I was in tip top shape; I had everything going for me. I didn’t realize then just how bad I wanted it – I know you need to get to a point to recognize this but dammit why wasn’t I paying attention?! When I am running I think about all my friends that are currently officers, especially the ones here in Madison. They all know I am testing, and I don’t want to look like a fool. I don’t want to fall flat on my face and disappoint them. I also know how excited my dad is, he is just over the moon that I am testing for the PD again, slightly sad that it’s not in Michigan I think but he is excited non-the-less. I find myself telling people that find out I am testing that I am realistic that I might not possibly pass, or that it is extremely competitive – which is all true, but I think I am also saying that because I don’t want to get my own hopes up to high.

My folks will be here in a couple weeks, they will join me for a UW Women’s hockey game & also catch one of mine – then they will really see the skill level difference  I always look forward to this visit except for the fact that this means I will not see them for the next 5-6 months when they head down to Florida. My dad has been pushing so hard for me to come down to visit, I might actually try to scrape up enough PTO days to do that but I don’t know yet. Don’t want to promise and not deliver that.

Deep breaths…1 mile at a time…Believe in Yourself.

Nightmare

2009-10-16T17:50:00.000-05:00

Last night I had a dream…actually it was a nightmare. In my dream my father died, and just like many dreams it felt real, gut-wrenching, and full of every emotion that I would expect if this truly did happen. In fact when I woke up it took me a little while to realize that this didn’t happen. On the way to work I had to actually call him just to make sure he was okay and everything was fine. But in reality this is something that terrifies me, I am always afraid of this phone call. My father is not getting any younger, at 73 is he a really active guy, seems quite healthy and things appear to be going quite well. But on the other hand he IS 73, has had a quadruple bypass almost 4 years ago now and is really starting to slow down. I think I worry because they are in MI for part of the year and Florida so if something were to happen they are not close by. Also I worry if they need more longer/skilled care how will I manage living at the closest point 5 hours away.

I know that these are natural concerns that anyone facing aging parents has, I know I am not the 1st person to wrestle with these questions and fears. I know that if/when the time comes I will figure it out, that things will happen as they are supposed to. But that doesn’t help with the present moment of what I think about every now and then.

When my folks were here last month I chatted with my dad about the Ironman and we had a really good conversation about it and I showed them around the area. I asked him if I am able to do the Ironman as I am currently planning, would he be there. He promised me that he would be there to cheer me on, he said that “there is no where else I should be” and it almost made me cry. We were standing on top of the Monona Terrace and I was taking pictures of them with the lake and the capitol in the background. I find myself doing that a lot recently, taking pictures of them, and capturing the moments.

I just don’t want to forget or miss any of these moments.

I think I am getting sick

2009-10-06T19:26:00.002-05:00

So it's the change of the season, it's the flu season, it's everything season right now and I think I am coming down with something. I actually stayed home from work today because of this but we'll have to see how that goes. Of course this always happens during hockey season...

Speaking of hockey (that was such a great transition don't you think?) Both leagues are now underway. I got my team assignment today for MGHA and it looks as though I am on blue this year, what a change to the last 2 years always having a reddish color. Anyway, I have a decent team that gives a lot of feedback so I am pretty excited about that. My other league the Sun Prairie Rage got going last wed and we actually have our first 2 games this coming weekend. Feels like I was just on the ice with my team but that is what hockey is all about.

I am also back into the swing of things again with the UW Women's Hockey team, they had their first series this past weekend and spit with 1 win a piece. It was funny while we were at the game I was filling my friend Dave in on all the players, the coaches, the US Women's National team and he looked at me and said "You should get a job doing this" wouldn't that just be a dream job? If only I could. I could talk for hours about these two teams. That one can file in the dream category I suppose. But wouldn't that be awesome?!

I did find a fun blog to follow today from one of the US Women's National players so that made me pretty happy today. We are still waiting to see when Loni will start her job, they are STILL doing her background checks - it's only been 5 or 6 weeks on that already but hey who is counting. We are still sharing 1 vehicle, pain in the ass but then again we only have 1 vehicle payment currently so with everything going on this is a plus more than a negative.

2009-10-05T22:46:00.001-05:00

share

Posted using ShareThis

Change is Good!

2009-09-30T10:46:00.000-05:00

So as you may have noticed, I have changed the name of my blog…my old title is just old and doesn’t really fit anymore as I am no longer up at midnight to have dreams or aspirations (unless it's behind my eyelids) :O) Half-Pint is just a more fitting name.

Things have been crazy in the week since Loni’s return home. In between our trips to Chicago, her getting sick and hockey season beginning we have begun to eat healthier & pay more attention to being active. Yesterday I made a purchase, originally intended to be a Christmas gift, but hey why not NOW. Anyway, I got Nike + shoes & a sports band. The purpose of this is to help me be a little more accurate in my training so I can achieve my goals. With the pt test for the police department just over 1 month away I need to buckle down and get running. Although having hockey 2 nights per week is great, it’s just not running which I am not good at and need some motivation to do.

Okay so I was able to find the shoes on sale 69.99, and since I have an older Ipod using this Nike + would have required a new one or purchasing the sports band for 59.99. I went with the sports band since it’s much cheaper and I am not in need of a new Ipod at the moment. Everything was charged and ready to go within a half hour yesterday so I started my coaching portion of the program. I am working on the walk to run program which will get me where I need to be for Nov. pt test and running at a decent pace by time that program is done. The cool thing is that I can change up my programs as my goals change. After Nov my focus will be on getting some higher calories burned, longer distances and overall fitness improvement as I start to set my sights on the Ironman WI.

I decided that I am better at actually doing my workouts first thing in the morning since I am SO bad once I get home. Usual excuses at the end of the day are that I am tired, I just want to relax, I am irritated, insert whatever excuse here actually. So, if I do it first thing in the morning, I actually feel better about myself and when I get home I really CAN relax. By using Nike + I can also prove to Loni that I am working hard and using it. This might seem like a silly thing, but this is important. I need to her to see and support my slow but sure progress. Not all of us have these mutant genes that allow us to do some sit-ups for a week and show off our 6 pack…sorry that is just not normal!!

My usual MO though is I am gung ho for a short period of time and then my motivation fades, my excitement dies down and then I lose interest. I am hoping that with this program I will start to see results which will keep me encouraged, I also know it takes time to make a routine and I need to do it and stick with it. Sadly right now that means getting up at 5 or 515am so I can do this. But, I still think this is do-able.

Now that I got my Christmas early, I am asking for a Wii for Christmas now with the Jillian Michaels workout game. Lol…I love the idea of working out to a video game, how cool is that!!

Anniversary, Funhouse, Harry Potter,Chicago & the Flu

2009-09-27T21:17:00.005-05:00

Cover of Dear Mr. President

Hard to see all of those things listed together and have a smile come to my face. This weekend we celebrated our 9 year anniversary which itself is an awesome thing. We chose to see a Pink concert in Chicago and visit the Harry Potter exhibit at Museum of Science & Industry at the same time. Might sound kind of lame but this was the first time we have gone away from the boys, overnight, together. We have not taken a vacation in almost 9 years so this was a huge thing for us. 1 night might not seem like a lot but it was a big thing in our house.

Anyway, we met some friends at the exhibit and it really was a good time - had some lunch and made our way over to the hotel to freshen up before the concert. Oh did I mention that Loni had the flu? Slight complication that would change our trip slightly but we dealt with it. We met our friend Karen at her hotel and rode together to the concert. WHAT AN AMAZING SHOW - from the moment she took the stage to the moment she left...what a show. There was a moment when she did the song Dear Mr. President that I had to fight back tears. Something about that song just gets me anyway, but hearing it live was a different experience. What a show...

Sunday I was ready to take on some Chicago experience but Loni was just not feeling up to it so we went for a short trip to IKEA (only spent 8.43 what does that tell ya) and went home.

Oh I almost forgot, when we went to pick up Karen she surprised me with a visor from Ironman. They got some schwag while they were having the after dinner and they gave it to me for coming out to support. How sweet.

Happy 9 year Loni, what an amazing ride we have had - I can't wait to see what the next 9 years bring :O)

It's Iron Baby

2009-09-13T22:03:00.003-05:00

I spent today watching and cheering on the athletes during the Ironman WI. I was down there almost the entire day with 2 short trips home to let the dogs out. For those that don't know, the Ironman consists of 2.4mile swim, 112 mile bike, and 26.2 mile run. The event started at 7am and ends at midnight. When I was watching the swimmers coming out from stage 1 it was something I found quite emotional. It was strange to have such a reaction to an event I have never had a tie to until today. This moment, right now. I remember being a kid and watching Ironman in Kona mesmerized by these people, I remember saying - I would love to do that someday. Flash forward to today, I was there to cheer on a friend, cheer on some random people and enjoy a great day. 3 years ago another friend of mine completed the Ironman and I look at that tattoo on her leg and think - I wonder if I ever could.

So of course at some point during those first 3 hours I was going to add this to my life to-do list. I know that's not like traveling to see the Grand Canyon or something...this takes training, dedication and willpower. I won't even mention the fact that you run a marathon during this little venture, a fricken marathon!! But I am giving myself 3-5 years for my turn. So there, I said it, it's in print, I would like to do the Ironman in 3-5 years. I have a friend of mine that wants to do this as well so that gives us plenty of time to train, and prepare for something like this. So that would be 2012-2015 is the target...here we go!

ugh

2009-09-10T21:07:00.002-05:00

ugh is my new favorite word, it apply's to just about everything these days. I have been betrayed by someone I thought wouldn't ever do that because they felt the same way. Apparently I was wrong on this.

So now I am not only uncomfortable, but terrified because of the repercussions this can have. This hurts, it smarts, and just again reminds me of why I don't trust people. I can't, it get's me in trouble. I can only rely on me and small group of select people.

When is the last time you were betrayed? Did it hurt worse because it was someone you thought you could trust?

Why can't things just go okay? Why can't they just flow along like normal people do? Why is everything a fight?

Recap of Act 7

2009-08-25T08:12:00.002-05:00

It's been a while since Act 7 but I figured I need to update with a few stories, it was another amazing journey for me, filled with laughter, tears and crazy stories. Here is a short list of some of the things that happened:

Jenn: Is that a tree? DJ: o it’s a stick farm (I blame lack of oxygen)
Bee Sting - on the first day,within the first 10 miles actually
Falling off a cliff- don't ask
Going to the All-you-could-ever-need gas station for food with DJ, Cal & Loni
DJ eating leftover fried chicken while riding on century day
Michelle’s undercarriage - funniest quote about how riding can hurt
Meow at the cow- yeah I totally forgot the MOOO part
The 10 bugs I ate as nutrition - no kidding, they helped!

Great ride again!!

Well Worth The Trip

2009-08-04T13:10:00.000-05:00

Last week I went home, for what I believe was my 4th trip since moving out to WI. The reason for the trip was twofold, 1. after Loni’s mom died she really felt that I should go spend more time with my father. 2. An old friend was coming to town from NJ and we have not seen each other in over 10 years so it was a great chance to catch up. I really don’t think that the trip could have gone any better than it did.

Thursday I arrived just after lunch (to a nice veggie sub by the way) and we were able to sit around, eat some yummy black cherries and then left for Grand Rapids to the Whitecaps game. My dad and I had a chance to chat the entire time, to reminisce about his days playing ball in the Army, how Grandpa would have never let him play pro (since they play on Sundays) and how much my dad was starting to say things just like his dad did. It was the best part of the trip was sitting there for that ball game, chatting over a couple of beers.

Friday was a nice slow start to the morning, sitting around the condo, gathering up as many golf balls as I could find and loading my bag, trying out some new clubs my dad was going to let me use and overall trying to figure out how I would keep my ball from zinging off to the right like it ALWAYS does. Anyway, we had a fantastic day on the course, he helped me get a little better, and I only lost 1 ball. The evening brought me out to my cousin’s boat for dinner and drinks. I was lucky enough to spend some time with Kim & Shawn as well as Kim’s husband and kids. What a great time!!! These are the moments that I really miss being closer to family, just to be around them and catch up was a lot of fun.

Saturday I was able to get together with a dear friend from high school, Jen. We have been playing phone tag for years, and have not seen each other since 1997, so we were more than ready to hang out for a while. We spent over 3 hours at Perkins…just talking, reminiscing, laughing, remembering – enjoying the company of a great friend. After hanging out with my parents in the afternoon and helping them purchasing a 50 in flat screen TV…such jealousy :O) Thank you to the wonders of Facebook I was able to get together with one of my oldest childhood friends. Wendy and I have had a complicated relationship, such great friends our whole lives and one of the first people I ever told that I was gay. Out of all the people I told, she was the one I was most nervous about because of her religion. We sort of fell out of touch after that, I was going through some pretty rough things at home and moved to WI. I asked her why she never invited me to her wedding and she said that she tried contacting me, tried my parents, even inviting them. I was supposed to be a bridesmaid for her, but I was never given any messages. Really made me sad that I missed that important day in my friends’ life.

And Sunday I came back to Madison. What a visit. Well worth the trip, great memories of great people. And some more time spent with my dad.

Pardon me while I vent

2009-07-18T08:11:00.002-05:00

I don't usually like to vent away but I am irritated, exhausted and just all-around grr this morning so I am going to vent.

I was up until about 3am today, why you might ask? Oh because Loni was out with her sister until just after 2am. I guess for the most part I don't care, that's not the point. Initally it was Loni leaving at 830 to go out for a drink or two where Jess had dinner, so I thought hour or two tops she would be home. So imagine my surprise when 2 hours later I find out that they are going to an additional location, a strip club no less, all I asked was not to be out too late since I need to be up at 630 and don't drink too much and drive. Since the dogs don't like it when we are not both home they start to bark at every sound they hear thinking the other person is home. So they had been doing this for a few hours making it impossible for me to get any sleep. At 1am I finally messaged asking if it was going to be much longer since I was not getting any sleep and needed to get up in a few hours and the responce I get back is "sorry bub (our friend is coming to meet us) it's only one night." Then at 2am she finally gets home.
When she got home she said "oh I will just sleep on the couch so I don't keep you up" when I said that I have been up the whole time the answer I received was "well now you know how I feel when your parents come to visit." Woah, where the hell did that come from? Really, where the hell did that come from? When my folks are in town it is trying on us all I think, I usually hang out at their hotel until around 11pm - we watch a movie or something usually. But that is not when anyone has to work the next morning, and I am not coming home at 2am, and I was not hanging out at a strip club!

I think my main issue is not even where they went, or how long they were out, I think it comes from not at least calling me to say hey, I need to hang out with Jess, would you mind if we went to x place, we're going to be out late. I wasn't invited, I wasn't asked and I certinaly wasn't shown any consideration last night.

So after crying myself to sleep, I woke up at 630, exhausted, eyes puffy and bloodshot and she is still sleeping on the couch. She will probaly be there for a few hours, perhaps until I am done at 1pm. And I know when I get home I will have to try and just suck it all up and move on, but right now I am just hurt and disappointed.

Things have been so stressful around here recently with Loni losing her job and then the accident, and now not being able to find a job. So I get the wanting to go out and have a good time, I do, but to be so uncaring and just rude. And to not try to make it right when getting home. I don't like the person that Loni has become in her unemployment. I know she is upset, I know she is feeling like a loser, I get that, I have been there. But it's also not easy being the one to try and keep lifing her up, to try and keep things positive and fun. I am doing all I can, I am terrified every day that we will end up losing the house or something, but I am trying to stay positive.

I am just wanting to get a way for a while, from my own life. But we can't afford to go anywhere, or do anything like that. ugh, I guess this is the valley that we all need to cross at some point, I just think it's been long enough.

Sometimes remembering the dead is more important than tending to the needs of the living

2009-07-15T11:55:00.002-05:00

Well that's how it was the last couple of nights. We were looking at pictures of you the last few nights, some made us laugh, many made us cry. Mostly we still remembered that we really miss you. And with the impending visit this weekend we know that a part of you will be coming home to stay with us. When I went into the basement yesterday I noticed that your coat, jeans, shirt & shoes are still in the bag from the hospital, we don't know what to do with them. It's like you will be coming back in a little bit to pick them up. I wonder if you know how much we think about you, or talk about you or wonder if you are watching us.

So, this weekend we will take a lot of pictures, I am sure we will have some laughs, but for each of us, we will notice you are not here. We will miss your laughter, in that way that was so distinctive. I will shoot a lot of pictures because now I realize just how important that is. And when I go home in 2 weeks I will take some more of my family, because that's how I want to remember them too...

Give me strength

2009-07-07T15:22:00.002-05:00

Image by dhammza via Flickr

The shit just seems to continue to rain down on us. It has not stopped since March, and every time I think we are starting to have a turnaround here comes something else. I haven't posted anything in a while not because I don't have anything to say but because I just don't know how to put my feelings out there. I feel like I am having to hold it all together for us, to keep us both looking forward, to keep trying to motivated. But I am tired. I am worn down. We just need things to start going good for us, not against us.
I just need to find the strength to keep my head up, to know it's not me that she is upset with, it's what is going on and I happen to be close by. In just a few weeks I will jump back on the bike for the Act ride, I haven't trained at all. There has just been too much going on. 4 days to be out there again...away for a while...each mile alone...sometimes that's a great thing. Even when you are riding 300 miles.

Feels like yesterday

2009-06-18T06:34:00.002-05:00

I can't believe it's been almost 3 months since Loni's mom died. To be honest it still doesn't seem real. I keep waiting for her to call, and sometimes when we do something ridiculous I can still hear her laugh - that smoky chuckle that she had.

Yesterday a friend of hers had to take her mom into the hospital, we call her mom La. Anyway, La ended up in ICU, intubated, mild heart attack and pneumonia. Reading Nancy's posts yesterday made everything that we went through with mom seem like it was yesterday...just too similar. The big difference is that she got to talk to her La and it looks like she might get out in the next day or so. This is awesome news..and it also makes me sad. Why didn't we get that chance? Why couldn't we talk to her?

This is how life is supposed to be, the ups and downs, sorrow and joy. It's just hard, and it feels like yesterday.

Bad things always come in three's

2009-06-05T20:52:00.002-05:00

So today Loni lost her job, "due to the economy" in a budget cut sweep they say. Great. Fabulous. Wonderful.
Of course the first things that go through my mind are

1. How will we pay the mortgage
2. No more health insurance (damn my job for not having domestic partner benefits)
3. How will we pay the mortgage
4. Will we have to give up hockey?
5. Damn her work for doing this
6. Damn, Damn, Damn
7. Shit, Shit, Shit
8. What do we do?

So, now that we have all that out, we are taking it in stride. She has 1 months worth of pay, some really good legal connections and there is always unemployment.
So they say bad things come in threes...
1. Grandpa died in Sept.
2. Mom died in March
3. Loni loses job in June.

Okay universe, we have taken the 3 hits, can we please, please, get something to start going in our favor? I know things happen for a reason, I know this means something, I know I should see the sign.
I'm looking!

Signs

2009-06-01T11:00:00.000-05:00

Do you believe in signs? Messages or directions sent to you buy “someone” that lead you in the direction you are supposed to go?

Funny litany of events has happened over the past couple of days that has me thinking someone is trying to tell me something. Friday I hit my threshold of what I could tolerate at the moment and was feeling really down about my life, well my job rather. I spent the majority of my day relaying this information to 2 people that I trust, one that seems to “get” me and really does understand how I “tick” and the other that has known me over 25 years. Just seeking some advice, some counsel, something to say yes you can, or you’re an idiot…something.

What kind of sparked this was a feeling that I am just unsatisfied with what I do for a living, still questioning my desire to be a police officer. It’s been a nagging thing in the pit of my stomach for months; well if I am honest it’s been years. I play softball with almost an entire team of cops as well, which has had my brain working overtime as well, the “that could be you” mentality. It’s been eating at me for a while. So on Friday I get an email from Loni asking how serious I was about doing the cop thing. When I asked her why she said that one of her friends (who is on my softball team & whose partner is also a cop) said that they would help you get ready and I was surrounded by cops to help me. I will be honest, this made me cry, sitting here at work in my little cubicle I broke down. Signs.

Then, yesterday, while on the way home from an air show I got a phone call from an old friend of mine. We were very close while in high school & have been playing phone & email tag for years. She said that on Friday she was thinking about me and wanted to call me and catch up. Signs.

So, what to do next, do I follow the signs, put the sweat and blood & tears behind it and do it? It almost seems ironic to me that next year marks 10 years since I started Army basic training. I did that a little older, a little wiser than the young kids going through it at the time. Do I trust my “gut” and go for it, knowing that I don’t have that many more chances to go for it, age is taking care of that too quickly. Can I stick with it?? I am my own worst enemy on these types of things. I don’t’ want to live with regret in my life, but I am terrified to fail.

I don’t want to be a person that had all the opportunity, and didn’t listen to the signs.

blah blah blah

2009-05-22T13:17:00.001-05:00

So I am on my lunch right now and although I would prefer to be reading I have too many thoughts to get out of my head. First and probably the most ridiculous is my elbow. It’s been so bad recently (meaning the last 6 months or so) and I finally broke down and set up an appointment with my dr. to take a look at it. What that means I have no clue, but I can’t stand it, it consumes my every waking moment, I just can’t tolerate it anymore – I give up!

Work is frustrating – I know, I know, what else is new with me. I just get so bored & I don’t like repetition all that much. Not to mention the evaluation of what I do, don’t get me wrong, I think evaluation is important and necessary. But when it’s not done in a constructive and supportive way it’s worthless to me.

Some of this might also stem from the fact that we have been hanging out with a couple recently that we really enjoy. Both are upbeat & active & just as crazy as we are and it’s such an easy friendship without stupid drama. The hard part for me is that 1 of them is a cop, which is awesome. This brings a lot of feelings and issues right in my face each time like “that could have been me” and only I stop myself from making that happen. She has also completed the Ironman & various triathlons’ which makes me feel like I am a slop and of course the competitive side of me wonders if I could ever do anything like that. I have always wanted to compete in the Ironman. I was considering a marathon but it falls during the Act ride. Perhaps some year I will take off the Act ride and do something crazy like that.

Speaking of the Act ride, I am lucky enough to have a sponsor for this year’s ride which is cool, but today I found out that they want to interview me on the radio – eek!! No one said that was in the deal! Ugh, we’ll have to see what happens, not sure if I can squeeze out time from work yet to do that but we’ll see.

I have no willpower, or motivation or whatever. In my mind I have all these things that I would love to do, who I would like to be yet when push comes to shove, I don’t do anything, I just continue to wish and hope. I need myself to kick my own ass, I just don’t know how to do it. I am so sick of who I have become yet I don’t know how to change!!! Ugh!

We are finally getting the house looking like a home, with a nice little garden, some shrubs & mom’s tree that we planted last weekend. It was exhausting but now that it’s done it really does look good. Now if we can get some things finished on the inside it might not be all bad after all. Still, lots of work and it can’t all happen overnight. Supposedly we have a couple renting the house across the street from us – they like kayaking & triathlons – hmm do I sense a pattern?

Blah blah blah…that’s how it is today…blah blah blah!

Makes Me Sad

2009-05-05T14:33:00.000-05:00

I just don’t know what I need to say anymore to help you understand. How every time you berate me on this topic it really hurts me, simply because it does mean a lot to me. Every comment, every snide remark just makes the cut a little deeper. I try to make sure that I do not spend too much time away that I am not involved in too much. I try to make sure that you understand my priority is with you. But I believe in certain thing, I believe in what I am doing. Can’t you understand that? Don’t you see that even though it takes me away from you I feel better for it?
You tell me you want me to be able to have “my time” yet it seems like that is only when it is convenient for you. When it doesn’t interfere with something you want. As long as you are working, or as long as you have other plans then it is okay.

Sadly, when I try to tell you that it is more than just a “meeting” you just dismiss that and tell me it’s stupid. It hurts. Makes me feel like what I am doing, how hard I am working to make this program work is just a waste of time. It’s already a stressful, thankless position, but your rejection of it makes me feel like it really doesn’t matter.

That’s the hopelessness that many in our community feel, I am working so hard to give people a safe and welcoming environment, just to have it thrown in my own face when I walk in the door. That makes me sad.

I know it's friday but....

2009-05-01T14:01:00.001-05:00

Restless
Bored
Listless
Frustrated
Irritated
Ugh, that is how I sum everything up these days. I am losing my interest in many things, well mainly where I work right now. I just get bored to easily, it’s sad really. I have a good job, but I am growing bored with it, with the monotonous functions. Granted, I get to talk to people for a living and not many people get to say that. I just get bored when I do the same thing over and over. That’s why I like working for companies that offer me the ability to learn new things, or move around a little more.
I don’t know, just irritating.
Sick of people not keeping their commitments, sick of people that are disrespectful to others. I am sick of people referring to others like they are a possession.
Perhaps I just need a break from certain people in my life, a chance to re-evaluate why certain people are in my life. Be a little bit more picky to who I allow around me to surround me with their baggage and issues. We all carry around our own “stuff” good or bad, it comes with us into relationships and either that is a good energy or it’s a negative one, I just need to decide what type of energy I want surrounding me. I still love that old quote, ‘some people bring happiness where ever they go, others whenever they go’ so fitting and so true.

Back to Reality

2009-04-29T15:28:00.000-05:00

So it’s been a while since I have posted on here. Not that I don’t have anything to share, but I think that my thoughts are having a mind of their own these days. The last month has been difficult, it has been emotional, it has been trying, it has brought me closer to those that I care about, it has changed my perspectives.

Last week Thursday I loaded up the truck, packed in 2 teammates and drove out to Toronto Canada. We played 4 games from Friday night to Sunday morning and then made the trip back to Madison. We had a great time, we played a lot of hockey which always equals a great time in my book. Toronto was a wonderful city, there was always something to look at and watch. Even going out to dinner was a wonderful experience. This weekend was much needed in my book, after the month I have had I just needed to get away, to be in a new environment and see something new. The only thing that was really missing was Loni. Granted we didn’t know in January when I was getting my passport that within 4 months so much would change for us. That even if we would have gotten her a passport, planned the trip and booked the hotels she wouldn’t have been able to go anyway. When her mom passed away 1 month ago today both of us used a lot of benefit time from work. I was lucky enough for how my work does the PTO that I could still take the trip. I know it was actually very good for both of us, and I am thankful for the trip’s timing.

As for how the hockey was…we kicked ass I think- we have nothing to hang our heads about that’s for sure. We won on Friday night and lost the other 3 games but hey, when you’re playing the national sport of a country you need to expect they will be slightly better than you in it. I think the average years of experience on my team was about 2, theirs was closer to 10-15. I had some issues with position and my sticks went missing for a little while but we all had a fabulous time and I even got a beer from the opposing team for my sportsmanship after 1 particularly rough game.

Can’t wait to go with Loni next year, it should be a blast! But for now it’s back to reality, time to switch from hockey skates to cycling gear. The Act ride is a few months away and it’s time to train. I have 2 great mentees for the ride so this should actually motivate me to get out there and train this year. Straightaways are fine; it’s those darn hills that get me!!