Half-Pint

So much.

2009-11-02T14:59:00.000-06:00

So after an embarrassing loss to the Milwaukee team it was time for the party. Seemed like a decent enough time but we are just not party people so we didn’t stay too long. Long enough to see people were getting drunk and loud which is our clue to take off. Ended up home around 1030 or something. Such party poopers.

Sunday we caught the UW Women’s hockey game in an awesome, awesome performance by the team. They are starting to come together nicely – which does take time when you have a new group working together. But it’s nice to take a team like that and see that they can struggle, they can have issues but you know they are working their butts off during the week to bring it all together. Having been a student-athlete I know how much sacrifice goes into those games. You have to give up a certain part of the “college experience” to focus on your sport. Granted the payoff is traveling to other locations and getting certain perks by being an athlete, but it’s tough.

Sunday night we had our MGHA game, last one of the night again but that will be done soon enough. Anyway, as we are getting ready to take the ice our coach says “Mimi’s mom passed away this morning, we are playing this game for her” wow, what a way to start the game. This fired the team up, we came out and were on point and we did a great job. I was excited to play against 2 players that are, by far, much better players than I am but that is what drives me. The little victories of poke checking the puck, or getting in their way – those to me are worth more than the actual score. Especially when one of them is super tall, really fast and starts to act like a jerk on the ice when they are upset - like I said it’s the little things.

I am also in panic mode for the test this weekend. I was rather hoping I would break my leg this weekend so I wouldn’t have to do it, nice huh? Anyway, I do think that I pulled a groin muscle or something, hopefully that will heal and I will end up not embarrassing myself too much. I am just not very confident in my ability to pass this exam. I know I have to go in with a positive attitude (my dad has been harping on this forever) but it seems like every time I am getting ready to take this test something happens. The 1st time there was an accident and I couldn’t find the location, the 2nd time Loni’s Grandpa passed away, so 3rd time is the charm right? It’s either that or I need to move on. Have I mentioned I am terrified about this?? ugh. I guess in 6 days it will be over…16 days and I will know the outcome. What will be will be

Looking ahead

2009-10-21T17:12:00.000-05:00

Running…I really hate running… but every morning my alarm clock rings at 515 so I can drag myself to the basement and hop on the treadmill. The only company I have each day is my cat who slinks around chasing his spiders or other creatures of the basement that I would prefer not to think about. My motivation is the PT test for the PD coming up in just 20 days, the Ironman in 3 years, the fact that I USED to be able to run much faster/farther, and perhaps a little to prove to Loni that I CAN do it like I said I would. I refuse to let something like a run stand between what I want to do and what I can do.

I will be honest; I am terrified by this test. The last time I did a PT test for a PD was when I was 23 years old. I was in tip top shape; I had everything going for me. I didn’t realize then just how bad I wanted it – I know you need to get to a point to recognize this but dammit why wasn’t I paying attention?! When I am running I think about all my friends that are currently officers, especially the ones here in Madison. They all know I am testing, and I don’t want to look like a fool. I don’t want to fall flat on my face and disappoint them. I also know how excited my dad is, he is just over the moon that I am testing for the PD again, slightly sad that it’s not in Michigan I think but he is excited non-the-less. I find myself telling people that find out I am testing that I am realistic that I might not possibly pass, or that it is extremely competitive – which is all true, but I think I am also saying that because I don’t want to get my own hopes up to high.

My folks will be here in a couple weeks, they will join me for a UW Women’s hockey game & also catch one of mine – then they will really see the skill level difference  I always look forward to this visit except for the fact that this means I will not see them for the next 5-6 months when they head down to Florida. My dad has been pushing so hard for me to come down to visit, I might actually try to scrape up enough PTO days to do that but I don’t know yet. Don’t want to promise and not deliver that.

Deep breaths…1 mile at a time…Believe in Yourself.

Nightmare

2009-10-16T17:50:00.000-05:00

Last night I had a dream…actually it was a nightmare. In my dream my father died, and just like many dreams it felt real, gut-wrenching, and full of every emotion that I would expect if this truly did happen. In fact when I woke up it took me a little while to realize that this didn’t happen. On the way to work I had to actually call him just to make sure he was okay and everything was fine. But in reality this is something that terrifies me, I am always afraid of this phone call. My father is not getting any younger, at 73 is he a really active guy, seems quite healthy and things appear to be going quite well. But on the other hand he IS 73, has had a quadruple bypass almost 4 years ago now and is really starting to slow down. I think I worry because they are in MI for part of the year and Florida so if something were to happen they are not close by. Also I worry if they need more longer/skilled care how will I manage living at the closest point 5 hours away.

I know that these are natural concerns that anyone facing aging parents has, I know I am not the 1st person to wrestle with these questions and fears. I know that if/when the time comes I will figure it out, that things will happen as they are supposed to. But that doesn’t help with the present moment of what I think about every now and then.

When my folks were here last month I chatted with my dad about the Ironman and we had a really good conversation about it and I showed them around the area. I asked him if I am able to do the Ironman as I am currently planning, would he be there. He promised me that he would be there to cheer me on, he said that “there is no where else I should be” and it almost made me cry. We were standing on top of the Monona Terrace and I was taking pictures of them with the lake and the capitol in the background. I find myself doing that a lot recently, taking pictures of them, and capturing the moments.

I just don’t want to forget or miss any of these moments.

I think I am getting sick

2009-10-06T19:26:00.002-05:00

So it's the change of the season, it's the flu season, it's everything season right now and I think I am coming down with something. I actually stayed home from work today because of this but we'll have to see how that goes. Of course this always happens during hockey season...

Speaking of hockey (that was such a great transition don't you think?) Both leagues are now underway. I got my team assignment today for MGHA and it looks as though I am on blue this year, what a change to the last 2 years always having a reddish color. Anyway, I have a decent team that gives a lot of feedback so I am pretty excited about that. My other league the Sun Prairie Rage got going last wed and we actually have our first 2 games this coming weekend. Feels like I was just on the ice with my team but that is what hockey is all about.

I am also back into the swing of things again with the UW Women's Hockey team, they had their first series this past weekend and spit with 1 win a piece. It was funny while we were at the game I was filling my friend Dave in on all the players, the coaches, the US Women's National team and he looked at me and said "You should get a job doing this" wouldn't that just be a dream job? If only I could. I could talk for hours about these two teams. That one can file in the dream category I suppose. But wouldn't that be awesome?!

I did find a fun blog to follow today from one of the US Women's National players so that made me pretty happy today. We are still waiting to see when Loni will start her job, they are STILL doing her background checks - it's only been 5 or 6 weeks on that already but hey who is counting. We are still sharing 1 vehicle, pain in the ass but then again we only have 1 vehicle payment currently so with everything going on this is a plus more than a negative.

2009-10-05T22:46:00.001-05:00

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Change is Good!

2009-09-30T10:46:00.000-05:00

So as you may have noticed, I have changed the name of my blog…my old title is just old and doesn’t really fit anymore as I am no longer up at midnight to have dreams or aspirations (unless it's behind my eyelids) :O) Half-Pint is just a more fitting name.

Things have been crazy in the week since Loni’s return home. In between our trips to Chicago, her getting sick and hockey season beginning we have begun to eat healthier & pay more attention to being active. Yesterday I made a purchase, originally intended to be a Christmas gift, but hey why not NOW. Anyway, I got Nike + shoes & a sports band. The purpose of this is to help me be a little more accurate in my training so I can achieve my goals. With the pt test for the police department just over 1 month away I need to buckle down and get running. Although having hockey 2 nights per week is great, it’s just not running which I am not good at and need some motivation to do.

Okay so I was able to find the shoes on sale 69.99, and since I have an older Ipod using this Nike + would have required a new one or purchasing the sports band for 59.99. I went with the sports band since it’s much cheaper and I am not in need of a new Ipod at the moment. Everything was charged and ready to go within a half hour yesterday so I started my coaching portion of the program. I am working on the walk to run program which will get me where I need to be for Nov. pt test and running at a decent pace by time that program is done. The cool thing is that I can change up my programs as my goals change. After Nov my focus will be on getting some higher calories burned, longer distances and overall fitness improvement as I start to set my sights on the Ironman WI.

I decided that I am better at actually doing my workouts first thing in the morning since I am SO bad once I get home. Usual excuses at the end of the day are that I am tired, I just want to relax, I am irritated, insert whatever excuse here actually. So, if I do it first thing in the morning, I actually feel better about myself and when I get home I really CAN relax. By using Nike + I can also prove to Loni that I am working hard and using it. This might seem like a silly thing, but this is important. I need to her to see and support my slow but sure progress. Not all of us have these mutant genes that allow us to do some sit-ups for a week and show off our 6 pack…sorry that is just not normal!!

My usual MO though is I am gung ho for a short period of time and then my motivation fades, my excitement dies down and then I lose interest. I am hoping that with this program I will start to see results which will keep me encouraged, I also know it takes time to make a routine and I need to do it and stick with it. Sadly right now that means getting up at 5 or 515am so I can do this. But, I still think this is do-able.

Now that I got my Christmas early, I am asking for a Wii for Christmas now with the Jillian Michaels workout game. Lol…I love the idea of working out to a video game, how cool is that!!

Anniversary, Funhouse, Harry Potter,Chicago & the Flu

2009-09-27T21:17:00.005-05:00

Cover of Dear Mr. President

Hard to see all of those things listed together and have a smile come to my face. This weekend we celebrated our 9 year anniversary which itself is an awesome thing. We chose to see a Pink concert in Chicago and visit the Harry Potter exhibit at Museum of Science & Industry at the same time. Might sound kind of lame but this was the first time we have gone away from the boys, overnight, together. We have not taken a vacation in almost 9 years so this was a huge thing for us. 1 night might not seem like a lot but it was a big thing in our house.

Anyway, we met some friends at the exhibit and it really was a good time - had some lunch and made our way over to the hotel to freshen up before the concert. Oh did I mention that Loni had the flu? Slight complication that would change our trip slightly but we dealt with it. We met our friend Karen at her hotel and rode together to the concert. WHAT AN AMAZING SHOW - from the moment she took the stage to the moment she left...what a show. There was a moment when she did the song Dear Mr. President that I had to fight back tears. Something about that song just gets me anyway, but hearing it live was a different experience. What a show...

Sunday I was ready to take on some Chicago experience but Loni was just not feeling up to it so we went for a short trip to IKEA (only spent 8.43 what does that tell ya) and went home.

Oh I almost forgot, when we went to pick up Karen she surprised me with a visor from Ironman. They got some schwag while they were having the after dinner and they gave it to me for coming out to support. How sweet.

Happy 9 year Loni, what an amazing ride we have had - I can't wait to see what the next 9 years bring :O)

It's Iron Baby

2009-09-13T22:03:00.003-05:00

I spent today watching and cheering on the athletes during the Ironman WI. I was down there almost the entire day with 2 short trips home to let the dogs out. For those that don't know, the Ironman consists of 2.4mile swim, 112 mile bike, and 26.2 mile run. The event started at 7am and ends at midnight. When I was watching the swimmers coming out from stage 1 it was something I found quite emotional. It was strange to have such a reaction to an event I have never had a tie to until today. This moment, right now. I remember being a kid and watching Ironman in Kona mesmerized by these people, I remember saying - I would love to do that someday. Flash forward to today, I was there to cheer on a friend, cheer on some random people and enjoy a great day. 3 years ago another friend of mine completed the Ironman and I look at that tattoo on her leg and think - I wonder if I ever could.

So of course at some point during those first 3 hours I was going to add this to my life to-do list. I know that's not like traveling to see the Grand Canyon or something...this takes training, dedication and willpower. I won't even mention the fact that you run a marathon during this little venture, a fricken marathon!! But I am giving myself 3-5 years for my turn. So there, I said it, it's in print, I would like to do the Ironman in 3-5 years. I have a friend of mine that wants to do this as well so that gives us plenty of time to train, and prepare for something like this. So that would be 2012-2015 is the target...here we go!

ugh

2009-09-10T21:07:00.002-05:00

ugh is my new favorite word, it apply's to just about everything these days. I have been betrayed by someone I thought wouldn't ever do that because they felt the same way. Apparently I was wrong on this.

So now I am not only uncomfortable, but terrified because of the repercussions this can have. This hurts, it smarts, and just again reminds me of why I don't trust people. I can't, it get's me in trouble. I can only rely on me and small group of select people.

When is the last time you were betrayed? Did it hurt worse because it was someone you thought you could trust?

Why can't things just go okay? Why can't they just flow along like normal people do? Why is everything a fight?

Recap of Act 7

2009-08-25T08:12:00.002-05:00

It's been a while since Act 7 but I figured I need to update with a few stories, it was another amazing journey for me, filled with laughter, tears and crazy stories. Here is a short list of some of the things that happened:

Jenn: Is that a tree? DJ: o it’s a stick farm (I blame lack of oxygen)
Bee Sting - on the first day,within the first 10 miles actually
Falling off a cliff- don't ask
Going to the All-you-could-ever-need gas station for food with DJ, Cal & Loni
DJ eating leftover fried chicken while riding on century day
Michelle’s undercarriage - funniest quote about how riding can hurt
Meow at the cow- yeah I totally forgot the MOOO part
The 10 bugs I ate as nutrition - no kidding, they helped!

Great ride again!!

Well Worth The Trip

2009-08-04T13:10:00.000-05:00

Last week I went home, for what I believe was my 4th trip since moving out to WI. The reason for the trip was twofold, 1. after Loni’s mom died she really felt that I should go spend more time with my father. 2. An old friend was coming to town from NJ and we have not seen each other in over 10 years so it was a great chance to catch up. I really don’t think that the trip could have gone any better than it did.

Thursday I arrived just after lunch (to a nice veggie sub by the way) and we were able to sit around, eat some yummy black cherries and then left for Grand Rapids to the Whitecaps game. My dad and I had a chance to chat the entire time, to reminisce about his days playing ball in the Army, how Grandpa would have never let him play pro (since they play on Sundays) and how much my dad was starting to say things just like his dad did. It was the best part of the trip was sitting there for that ball game, chatting over a couple of beers.

Friday was a nice slow start to the morning, sitting around the condo, gathering up as many golf balls as I could find and loading my bag, trying out some new clubs my dad was going to let me use and overall trying to figure out how I would keep my ball from zinging off to the right like it ALWAYS does. Anyway, we had a fantastic day on the course, he helped me get a little better, and I only lost 1 ball. The evening brought me out to my cousin’s boat for dinner and drinks. I was lucky enough to spend some time with Kim & Shawn as well as Kim’s husband and kids. What a great time!!! These are the moments that I really miss being closer to family, just to be around them and catch up was a lot of fun.

Saturday I was able to get together with a dear friend from high school, Jen. We have been playing phone tag for years, and have not seen each other since 1997, so we were more than ready to hang out for a while. We spent over 3 hours at Perkins…just talking, reminiscing, laughing, remembering – enjoying the company of a great friend. After hanging out with my parents in the afternoon and helping them purchasing a 50 in flat screen TV…such jealousy :O) Thank you to the wonders of Facebook I was able to get together with one of my oldest childhood friends. Wendy and I have had a complicated relationship, such great friends our whole lives and one of the first people I ever told that I was gay. Out of all the people I told, she was the one I was most nervous about because of her religion. We sort of fell out of touch after that, I was going through some pretty rough things at home and moved to WI. I asked her why she never invited me to her wedding and she said that she tried contacting me, tried my parents, even inviting them. I was supposed to be a bridesmaid for her, but I was never given any messages. Really made me sad that I missed that important day in my friends’ life.

And Sunday I came back to Madison. What a visit. Well worth the trip, great memories of great people. And some more time spent with my dad.

Pardon me while I vent

2009-07-18T08:11:00.002-05:00

I don't usually like to vent away but I am irritated, exhausted and just all-around grr this morning so I am going to vent.

I was up until about 3am today, why you might ask? Oh because Loni was out with her sister until just after 2am. I guess for the most part I don't care, that's not the point. Initally it was Loni leaving at 830 to go out for a drink or two where Jess had dinner, so I thought hour or two tops she would be home. So imagine my surprise when 2 hours later I find out that they are going to an additional location, a strip club no less, all I asked was not to be out too late since I need to be up at 630 and don't drink too much and drive. Since the dogs don't like it when we are not both home they start to bark at every sound they hear thinking the other person is home. So they had been doing this for a few hours making it impossible for me to get any sleep. At 1am I finally messaged asking if it was going to be much longer since I was not getting any sleep and needed to get up in a few hours and the responce I get back is "sorry bub (our friend is coming to meet us) it's only one night." Then at 2am she finally gets home.
When she got home she said "oh I will just sleep on the couch so I don't keep you up" when I said that I have been up the whole time the answer I received was "well now you know how I feel when your parents come to visit." Woah, where the hell did that come from? Really, where the hell did that come from? When my folks are in town it is trying on us all I think, I usually hang out at their hotel until around 11pm - we watch a movie or something usually. But that is not when anyone has to work the next morning, and I am not coming home at 2am, and I was not hanging out at a strip club!

I think my main issue is not even where they went, or how long they were out, I think it comes from not at least calling me to say hey, I need to hang out with Jess, would you mind if we went to x place, we're going to be out late. I wasn't invited, I wasn't asked and I certinaly wasn't shown any consideration last night.

So after crying myself to sleep, I woke up at 630, exhausted, eyes puffy and bloodshot and she is still sleeping on the couch. She will probaly be there for a few hours, perhaps until I am done at 1pm. And I know when I get home I will have to try and just suck it all up and move on, but right now I am just hurt and disappointed.

Things have been so stressful around here recently with Loni losing her job and then the accident, and now not being able to find a job. So I get the wanting to go out and have a good time, I do, but to be so uncaring and just rude. And to not try to make it right when getting home. I don't like the person that Loni has become in her unemployment. I know she is upset, I know she is feeling like a loser, I get that, I have been there. But it's also not easy being the one to try and keep lifing her up, to try and keep things positive and fun. I am doing all I can, I am terrified every day that we will end up losing the house or something, but I am trying to stay positive.

I am just wanting to get a way for a while, from my own life. But we can't afford to go anywhere, or do anything like that. ugh, I guess this is the valley that we all need to cross at some point, I just think it's been long enough.

Sometimes remembering the dead is more important than tending to the needs of the living

2009-07-15T11:55:00.002-05:00

Well that's how it was the last couple of nights. We were looking at pictures of you the last few nights, some made us laugh, many made us cry. Mostly we still remembered that we really miss you. And with the impending visit this weekend we know that a part of you will be coming home to stay with us. When I went into the basement yesterday I noticed that your coat, jeans, shirt & shoes are still in the bag from the hospital, we don't know what to do with them. It's like you will be coming back in a little bit to pick them up. I wonder if you know how much we think about you, or talk about you or wonder if you are watching us.

So, this weekend we will take a lot of pictures, I am sure we will have some laughs, but for each of us, we will notice you are not here. We will miss your laughter, in that way that was so distinctive. I will shoot a lot of pictures because now I realize just how important that is. And when I go home in 2 weeks I will take some more of my family, because that's how I want to remember them too...

Give me strength

2009-07-07T15:22:00.002-05:00

Image by dhammza via Flickr

The shit just seems to continue to rain down on us. It has not stopped since March, and every time I think we are starting to have a turnaround here comes something else. I haven't posted anything in a while not because I don't have anything to say but because I just don't know how to put my feelings out there. I feel like I am having to hold it all together for us, to keep us both looking forward, to keep trying to motivated. But I am tired. I am worn down. We just need things to start going good for us, not against us.
I just need to find the strength to keep my head up, to know it's not me that she is upset with, it's what is going on and I happen to be close by. In just a few weeks I will jump back on the bike for the Act ride, I haven't trained at all. There has just been too much going on. 4 days to be out there again...away for a while...each mile alone...sometimes that's a great thing. Even when you are riding 300 miles.

Feels like yesterday

2009-06-18T06:34:00.002-05:00

I can't believe it's been almost 3 months since Loni's mom died. To be honest it still doesn't seem real. I keep waiting for her to call, and sometimes when we do something ridiculous I can still hear her laugh - that smoky chuckle that she had.

Yesterday a friend of hers had to take her mom into the hospital, we call her mom La. Anyway, La ended up in ICU, intubated, mild heart attack and pneumonia. Reading Nancy's posts yesterday made everything that we went through with mom seem like it was yesterday...just too similar. The big difference is that she got to talk to her La and it looks like she might get out in the next day or so. This is awesome news..and it also makes me sad. Why didn't we get that chance? Why couldn't we talk to her?

This is how life is supposed to be, the ups and downs, sorrow and joy. It's just hard, and it feels like yesterday.

Bad things always come in three's

2009-06-05T20:52:00.002-05:00

So today Loni lost her job, "due to the economy" in a budget cut sweep they say. Great. Fabulous. Wonderful.
Of course the first things that go through my mind are

1. How will we pay the mortgage
2. No more health insurance (damn my job for not having domestic partner benefits)
3. How will we pay the mortgage
4. Will we have to give up hockey?
5. Damn her work for doing this
6. Damn, Damn, Damn
7. Shit, Shit, Shit
8. What do we do?

So, now that we have all that out, we are taking it in stride. She has 1 months worth of pay, some really good legal connections and there is always unemployment.
So they say bad things come in threes...
1. Grandpa died in Sept.
2. Mom died in March
3. Loni loses job in June.

Okay universe, we have taken the 3 hits, can we please, please, get something to start going in our favor? I know things happen for a reason, I know this means something, I know I should see the sign.
I'm looking!

Signs

2009-06-01T11:00:00.000-05:00

Do you believe in signs? Messages or directions sent to you buy “someone” that lead you in the direction you are supposed to go?

Funny litany of events has happened over the past couple of days that has me thinking someone is trying to tell me something. Friday I hit my threshold of what I could tolerate at the moment and was feeling really down about my life, well my job rather. I spent the majority of my day relaying this information to 2 people that I trust, one that seems to “get” me and really does understand how I “tick” and the other that has known me over 25 years. Just seeking some advice, some counsel, something to say yes you can, or you’re an idiot…something.

What kind of sparked this was a feeling that I am just unsatisfied with what I do for a living, still questioning my desire to be a police officer. It’s been a nagging thing in the pit of my stomach for months; well if I am honest it’s been years. I play softball with almost an entire team of cops as well, which has had my brain working overtime as well, the “that could be you” mentality. It’s been eating at me for a while. So on Friday I get an email from Loni asking how serious I was about doing the cop thing. When I asked her why she said that one of her friends (who is on my softball team & whose partner is also a cop) said that they would help you get ready and I was surrounded by cops to help me. I will be honest, this made me cry, sitting here at work in my little cubicle I broke down. Signs.

Then, yesterday, while on the way home from an air show I got a phone call from an old friend of mine. We were very close while in high school & have been playing phone & email tag for years. She said that on Friday she was thinking about me and wanted to call me and catch up. Signs.

So, what to do next, do I follow the signs, put the sweat and blood & tears behind it and do it? It almost seems ironic to me that next year marks 10 years since I started Army basic training. I did that a little older, a little wiser than the young kids going through it at the time. Do I trust my “gut” and go for it, knowing that I don’t have that many more chances to go for it, age is taking care of that too quickly. Can I stick with it?? I am my own worst enemy on these types of things. I don’t’ want to live with regret in my life, but I am terrified to fail.

I don’t want to be a person that had all the opportunity, and didn’t listen to the signs.

blah blah blah

2009-05-22T13:17:00.001-05:00

So I am on my lunch right now and although I would prefer to be reading I have too many thoughts to get out of my head. First and probably the most ridiculous is my elbow. It’s been so bad recently (meaning the last 6 months or so) and I finally broke down and set up an appointment with my dr. to take a look at it. What that means I have no clue, but I can’t stand it, it consumes my every waking moment, I just can’t tolerate it anymore – I give up!

Work is frustrating – I know, I know, what else is new with me. I just get so bored & I don’t like repetition all that much. Not to mention the evaluation of what I do, don’t get me wrong, I think evaluation is important and necessary. But when it’s not done in a constructive and supportive way it’s worthless to me.

Some of this might also stem from the fact that we have been hanging out with a couple recently that we really enjoy. Both are upbeat & active & just as crazy as we are and it’s such an easy friendship without stupid drama. The hard part for me is that 1 of them is a cop, which is awesome. This brings a lot of feelings and issues right in my face each time like “that could have been me” and only I stop myself from making that happen. She has also completed the Ironman & various triathlons’ which makes me feel like I am a slop and of course the competitive side of me wonders if I could ever do anything like that. I have always wanted to compete in the Ironman. I was considering a marathon but it falls during the Act ride. Perhaps some year I will take off the Act ride and do something crazy like that.

Speaking of the Act ride, I am lucky enough to have a sponsor for this year’s ride which is cool, but today I found out that they want to interview me on the radio – eek!! No one said that was in the deal! Ugh, we’ll have to see what happens, not sure if I can squeeze out time from work yet to do that but we’ll see.

I have no willpower, or motivation or whatever. In my mind I have all these things that I would love to do, who I would like to be yet when push comes to shove, I don’t do anything, I just continue to wish and hope. I need myself to kick my own ass, I just don’t know how to do it. I am so sick of who I have become yet I don’t know how to change!!! Ugh!

We are finally getting the house looking like a home, with a nice little garden, some shrubs & mom’s tree that we planted last weekend. It was exhausting but now that it’s done it really does look good. Now if we can get some things finished on the inside it might not be all bad after all. Still, lots of work and it can’t all happen overnight. Supposedly we have a couple renting the house across the street from us – they like kayaking & triathlons – hmm do I sense a pattern?

Blah blah blah…that’s how it is today…blah blah blah!

Makes Me Sad

2009-05-05T14:33:00.000-05:00

I just don’t know what I need to say anymore to help you understand. How every time you berate me on this topic it really hurts me, simply because it does mean a lot to me. Every comment, every snide remark just makes the cut a little deeper. I try to make sure that I do not spend too much time away that I am not involved in too much. I try to make sure that you understand my priority is with you. But I believe in certain thing, I believe in what I am doing. Can’t you understand that? Don’t you see that even though it takes me away from you I feel better for it?
You tell me you want me to be able to have “my time” yet it seems like that is only when it is convenient for you. When it doesn’t interfere with something you want. As long as you are working, or as long as you have other plans then it is okay.

Sadly, when I try to tell you that it is more than just a “meeting” you just dismiss that and tell me it’s stupid. It hurts. Makes me feel like what I am doing, how hard I am working to make this program work is just a waste of time. It’s already a stressful, thankless position, but your rejection of it makes me feel like it really doesn’t matter.

That’s the hopelessness that many in our community feel, I am working so hard to give people a safe and welcoming environment, just to have it thrown in my own face when I walk in the door. That makes me sad.

I know it's friday but....

2009-05-01T14:01:00.001-05:00

Restless
Bored
Listless
Frustrated
Irritated
Ugh, that is how I sum everything up these days. I am losing my interest in many things, well mainly where I work right now. I just get bored to easily, it’s sad really. I have a good job, but I am growing bored with it, with the monotonous functions. Granted, I get to talk to people for a living and not many people get to say that. I just get bored when I do the same thing over and over. That’s why I like working for companies that offer me the ability to learn new things, or move around a little more.
I don’t know, just irritating.
Sick of people not keeping their commitments, sick of people that are disrespectful to others. I am sick of people referring to others like they are a possession.
Perhaps I just need a break from certain people in my life, a chance to re-evaluate why certain people are in my life. Be a little bit more picky to who I allow around me to surround me with their baggage and issues. We all carry around our own “stuff” good or bad, it comes with us into relationships and either that is a good energy or it’s a negative one, I just need to decide what type of energy I want surrounding me. I still love that old quote, ‘some people bring happiness where ever they go, others whenever they go’ so fitting and so true.

Back to Reality

2009-04-29T15:28:00.000-05:00

So it’s been a while since I have posted on here. Not that I don’t have anything to share, but I think that my thoughts are having a mind of their own these days. The last month has been difficult, it has been emotional, it has been trying, it has brought me closer to those that I care about, it has changed my perspectives.

Last week Thursday I loaded up the truck, packed in 2 teammates and drove out to Toronto Canada. We played 4 games from Friday night to Sunday morning and then made the trip back to Madison. We had a great time, we played a lot of hockey which always equals a great time in my book. Toronto was a wonderful city, there was always something to look at and watch. Even going out to dinner was a wonderful experience. This weekend was much needed in my book, after the month I have had I just needed to get away, to be in a new environment and see something new. The only thing that was really missing was Loni. Granted we didn’t know in January when I was getting my passport that within 4 months so much would change for us. That even if we would have gotten her a passport, planned the trip and booked the hotels she wouldn’t have been able to go anyway. When her mom passed away 1 month ago today both of us used a lot of benefit time from work. I was lucky enough for how my work does the PTO that I could still take the trip. I know it was actually very good for both of us, and I am thankful for the trip’s timing.

As for how the hockey was…we kicked ass I think- we have nothing to hang our heads about that’s for sure. We won on Friday night and lost the other 3 games but hey, when you’re playing the national sport of a country you need to expect they will be slightly better than you in it. I think the average years of experience on my team was about 2, theirs was closer to 10-15. I had some issues with position and my sticks went missing for a little while but we all had a fabulous time and I even got a beer from the opposing team for my sportsmanship after 1 particularly rough game.

Can’t wait to go with Loni next year, it should be a blast! But for now it’s back to reality, time to switch from hockey skates to cycling gear. The Act ride is a few months away and it’s time to train. I have 2 great mentees for the ride so this should actually motivate me to get out there and train this year. Straightaways are fine; it’s those darn hills that get me!!

Medical Professionals

2009-03-30T18:15:00.002-05:00

I will never forget the faces of those that were with us over the last week. I might not remember names a few years from now, but I might. I will never forget Keri staying past her shift day after day just to make sure everything was okay. And when she came into the room to let us know we could see her, how she broke down saying "I'm so sorry we couldn't save her" I knew she did try her best. I knew we were more than just any family, she did everything she could. And her Dr. how she would be honest and frank with us, even when it was hard to hear, she told us what we needed to hear - not wanted to hear. When she walked out and told us "I'm sorry, we lost her. She is gone" my heart shattered. It felt like all of the oxygen was sucked out of the room at that moment.

They say when you experience crisis like this and are in the medical profession it makes you better. When Doctors are patients they understand the value of bedside manner, when they are the family in the waiting room, they understand that just 10 minuets is pure agony. Nurses learn compassion from doing this job over and over, and being compassionate people.

I know I will never look at Medflight the same again. When I walk into the EMS station and I get a call for chest pain or a heart attack I will never think of it the same again.

The chiropractor that realized her issue and brought her to the hospital gave us 4 more days. Although they were not the most ideal, it gave us a chance to come together, say goodbye and ultimatly her gift after her life ended was to help other people. This week 2 people will recieve the gift of sight. We don't know how many people she will help with the other donations but I am sure it will be many. I have never been so happy to have worked in the professions I have.

Sorrow

2009-03-29T21:58:00.001-05:00

I don't know if I can cry anymore right now. I don't know what words to say. I always expected to be the one losing one of my parents first, especially after my dad's open heart surgery. I never thought at her age we would be dealing with this. I have known her for 8.5 years, and she has always treated me like one of her kids. She has been more of a mom to me than my own mother.

I don't know how I am supposed to feel, I was introduced as a daughter-in-law, that's just what I am.

Reminds me of how much can change in an instant. Some people do not get second chances, they can't save everyone like they do in ER. Dr. House was not walking around ready to solve the problem. Sometimes people do not recover, they don't come back to us.

I am thankful for my friends, especially the come up to the hospital and just be there kind, or the drop some soup on your front porch while your not home kind.

Just reminds me not to take my life for granted, not to take those I love for granted. To remember we don't always get another chance.

In a second

2009-03-27T18:29:00.002-05:00

In a second life can change. drastically.
in a second,the phone can ring and everything you know is now unknown.

life is so precious, treat it that way. hug more, love more, fight less, hold tight to those you care about. Take a long, hard look at how you live your life, make those hard choices.

Standing by again, watching life being held in the balance between okay, and detriment. Watching a family struggle, cope, fall apart, try to keep it together. Watching a mother, wife, daughter, sister struggle with her life. Its the balance. Too far one way or the other can be major, in a second, life can change.

When i saw her fly over us on Med Flight I knew we were in trouble. When I had friends from the organ teams call me to say they knew, and they were watching, I knew we were in trouble. They don't know, the family that is, what the doctors are really saying. They hear "it was a quite night" must mean it's good, they hear "if she makes it out of this" must mean she will be just fine - tomorrow right?! They didn't hear heart failure or major heart damage, loss of function. I know what this means, I know what it can mean.

Yes I know there are miracles, I know people are strong, I know bodies have a wonderful way of repairing themselves, but sometimes the damage is too far. She didn't listen to the signs, she didn't take care of herself. Now most of her family are still out there smoking, right now even, not bothering that the doctors have said that is a major reason why she is laying there right now. 6 months ago last week we did this with grandpa.....6 months....what will it take for people to learn that life can change...in a second.

Ahh the good 'ole days

2009-03-09T13:09:00.002-05:00

Now that I am a UW Women's Hockey superfan I can't help but remember my good old days of college. I went to a Division II school that had a lot of Division I sports teams, (including hockey..why the heck wasn't i watching it then huh??) but anyway, I was on the track team for my university. I remember the fridays that we would have to wear our uniforms to class because we were leaving by noon to drive the rest of the day and sometimes into the night to make our meets. We would be gone saturday, some of Sunday before we got home. Because our team was pretty decent, we would be focouse all year, including summer breaks. I remember the binders worth of workouts that we had to do each day of break...do not show up to camp before school not ready. Your scholarship depended on that.
I remember my freshman year making it to the NCAA II indoor championships at University of Michigan. I remember the pride I had in being a college athleat at that moment. Student athleats give up so much to put on the show that we enjoy watching. The daily balance of practice, weights and class. Not to mention when you travel all over the region to compete. But that's what they do, it's what they live for. Sitting on the bus for hours, trying to get the homework done or read something that you won't have time for later. The getting up at 5am to hit the weight room, going to class, and then having to go to practice in the afternoon. Repeat daily. I love student athleates...I love the work ethic. I remember my glory days, I hope they treasure theirs.